Hoban “Wash” Washburne

Serenity (Part 1 & 2)

Hoban “Wash” Washburne playing with a toy dinosaur: Yes. Yes. This is a fertile land and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land! And we will call it… this land!
Wash as Ceratosaurus: I think we should call it your grave!
Wash as the other dinosaur: Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
Wash as Ceratosaurus: Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now die!
Wash as the other dinosaur: Oh no god! Oh, dear God in heaven!

Wash: Kaylee, go to blackout! We’re being buzzed.
Kaylee: Goin’ dark. {turns off all running lights.} Okay. Now I can’t get down.

Wash: Hang on, travelers.
Jayne: Let’s moon ’em.

Zoe: I know something ain’t right.
Wash: Sweetie, we’re crooks. If everything were right we’d be in jail.

Wash: Picking up a lot of radiation. They’re operating without core containment. That’s… {…} That’s suicide.
Mal: Reavers.
Wash: Oh god. Oh god oh god.

Mal: I believe that woman’s planning to shoot me again.
Jayne: She meant to pay you, she’d have haggled you down some.
Wash: Just a little effort to hide it would have been—
Zoe: Sir, we don’t have to deal with her.
Mal: Yes we do.
Jayne: Here’s a little concept I’ve been working on. Why don’t we shoot her first?
Wash: It is her turn.

Mal: How close they need to be to fire those grapplers?
Jayne: C’mon, Wash, you dumb ass! Dodge ’em!
Wash: If everyone could just be quiet a moment.

Mal: How we doing?
Wash: I don’t mean to alarm anybody, but I think we’re being followed.

The Train Job

Wash: Are you getting my wife into trouble?
Mal: Wha- ? I didn’t start it! Just wanted a quiet drink.
Zoe: Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself in an Alliance-friendly bar, come U-Day, lookin’ for a quiet drink.

Jayne: Niska’s people are waiting. They’re not partial to waiting.
Wash: Let ’em read a magazine. We don’t make the sale until Mal and Zoe are back on the boat.

Jayne: You got the light from the… console to keep you… lift you up… shine like— {starts grabbing at the air} little angels. {he keels over.}
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?

Wash: What about Niska? Won’t this put him in more or less a killing mood?

Bushwhacked

Zoe: Proximity alert. We must be coming up on something.
Wash: Oh my god! What could it be? We’re all doomed! Who’s flying this thing?! Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.

Mal: Wash, you have a stroke or something?
Wash: Near enough.
Zoe: What happened?

Mal: Anybody home?
Wash: I’ve been hailing here, but whoever’s there is as healthy as the guy we just ran over. I can’t imagine anybody’s gonna be picking up.
Mal: Bring us in a little closer.
Wash: I’ll get you close enough to ring the doorbell.

Jayne: Tell you what I think, I figure that fella we run into did everyone on board. Killed em. Then he decided to take a swim, see how fast his blood could boil out of his ears.
Wash: You’re a very up person.

Mal: Stack everything right here, in plain sight. wouldn’t want to seem like we got anything to hide. Might give them Alliance boys the wrong impression.
Wash: Or the right one.
Mal: That too.

Shindig

Wash: Well, I’ve been sane too long anyway.

Mal: We sniff the air, we don’t kiss the dirt.
Zoe: I wasn’t planning on the dirt kissin’, sir.
Wash: I wouldn’t stand for it anyway, Captain. Jealous man like me.

Kaylee: Look at the pretties!
Wash: What am I looking at? The girls or the clothes?
Jayne: The girls.
Zoe: The clothes, please.
Kaylee: Say, look at the fluffy one!
Zoe: Too much foofarah. If I’m gonna wear a dress I want something with some slink.
Wash: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?
Jayne: I’ll chip in.
Zoe: I can hurt you.

Wash: Don’t fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask anyone.
Zoe: It is not.
Wash: You are acting Captain. Know what happens if you fall asleep now?
Zoe: Jayne slits my throat and takes over.

Safe

Zoe: Next time we smuggle livestock let’s make it something smaller.
Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black market beagles.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Wash: Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met I spent six months on a moon where the principle form of recreation was juggling geese. Hand to God. Baby geese—goslings. They were juggled.

Wash: Is there anything else on your mind that I should know about? There’s all sort of twists and cul-de-sacs. It’s wild.

Wash: Okay. Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.

Wash: Captain, don’t you know kissin’ girls makes you sleepy?
Mal: Sometimes I just can’t help myself.

Jaynestown

Wash: What happened to Simon? And who’s this diabolical master of disguise?

Wash about Jayne’s statue: I think they captured him though. Captured his essence.
Kaylee: Looks sorta angry, don’t he?
Wash: Kinda what I meant.

Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I’m a hero.

Out of Gas

Ariel

Mal: …Could have been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden right now.
Jayne: Beats just sitting.
Wash: It is just sitting.

Wash: You know, it’s all very sweet—stealing from the rich, selling to the poor…

War Stories

Zoe: Is there any way I’m gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
Wash: You’re pretty much down to ritual suicide, Lamby Toes.

Wash: I’m the one she swore to love, honor, and obey.
Mal: Listen— She swore to obey?
Wash: Well no.

Trash

Wash: I’m confused.
Saffron: You’re asking yourself, if I’ve got the security codes why don’t I go in and grab it for myself.
Wash: No. Actually. I was wondering, What’s she doing on this ship? Didn’t she try to kill us?!
Saffron: Please. Nobody died last time.
Wash: We’re in space! How did she get here?
Mal: She hid.
Wash: I don’t recall pulling over!

The Message

Wash: Oh my god, it’s grotesque! Oh, and there’s something in a jar.

Wash to the cow fetus: Do not fear me! Ours is a peaceful race. And we must live in harmony.

Wash: Police procedure has changed since I was little.
Mal: He calls back, you keep him occupied.
Wash: What do I do? Shadow puppets?

Heart of Gold

Objects in Space

Wash: Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What’ll she do next.
Zoe: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It’s a toss up.
Wash: I hope she does the soup thing. It’s always a hoot and we don’t all die from it.

Zoe: Where’s River at now?
Mal: In her room, which I’m thinking of bolting the outside from now on.
Wash: That’s a little extreme, isn’t it?
Jayne: Anybody remember her coming at me with a butcher’s knife?
Wash: Wacky fun.
Jayne: You want to go, little man?
Wash: Only if it’s someplace with candlelight.

Mal: I find River pleasant enough myself. But she does have an oddness to her. And I ain’t just talkin’ about her proficiency with firearms. Girl knows things. Things she shouldn’t. Things she couldn’t.
Jayne: Are you, are you saying she’s a witch?
Wash: Yes Jayne. She’s a witch. She has had congress with the Beast.
Jayne: She’s in congress?

Mal: I don’t think she’s intuitive, Doctor. I think she’s a Reader.
Zoe: Psychic?
Wash: Is that even remotely possible?
Mal: You tell me. You’ve been studying what they’ve done to her.
Simon: They’ve, uh, they’ve definitely altered the way she reacts to things. Even the way she perceives. But I’m not—
Wash: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.
Zoe: You live on a space ship, dear.

Zoe: This is really not my area of expertise, Doctor. I tend to be putting these into people more than the other thing.
Wash: Can I mop your brow? I am at the ready with the fearsome brow-mop.