The Doctor’s Wife

Idris (Suranne Jones): Will it be me, Uncle?
Uncle (Adrian Schiller): Yeah, it’s gonna be you. I only wish I could go in your place, Idris. Nah I don’t, ’cause it’s really gonna hurt. {an Ood with yellow glowing eyes comes up behind her}.
Idris: It’s starting. What will happen?
Auntie (Elizabeth Berrington): Oh! Um, Nephew will drain your mind and your soul from your body and leave your body empty.
Idris: I’m scared!
Aunt: Oh, I expect so, dear. But soon you’ll have a new soul. There’ll be a Time Lord comin’.

The Doctor: …and then we discovered it wasn’t the Robot King after all, it was the real one. Fortunately I was able to reattach the head.
Rory: Do you believe any of this stuff?
Amy: I was there.

The Doctor: Oh, it’s the warning lights! I’m getting rid of those. They never stop!

Rory: Hey. You’re still thinking about it, aren’t you?
Amy: Shh! We saw him die.
Rory: Yeah. Two hundred years in the future.
Amy: Yes, but it’s still gonna happen.

Amy: What was that?
The Doctor: The door. It knocked.
Rory: Right. We are in deep space.
The Doctor: Very very deep. And somebody’s knocking.

The Doctor: Oh come here. Come here, you scrumptious little beauty.
Rory: A box?
Amy: Doctor, what is it?
The Doctor: I’ve got mail!

The Doctor: Time Lord emergency messaging system. In an emergency we wrap up our thoughts in psychic containers and send them through time and space. Anyway. There’s a living Time Lord still out there! And it’s one of the good ones.
Rory: You said there weren’t any other Time Lords left.
The Doctor: There aren’t! No Time Lords left anywhere in the Universe. But the Universe isn’t where we’re going. {he tosses it to Amy} See that snake. The mark of The Corsair. Fantastic bloke. He had that snake as a tattoo in every regeneration. Didn’t feel like himself unless he had that tattoo. Or herself a couple of times. Oo hoo! She was a bad girl!
Rory: What is happening!?
The Doctor: We are leaving the Universe!
Amy: How can you leave the Universe?
The Doctor: With enormous difficulty. Right now I’m burning up TARDIS rooms to give us some [wally]. Goodbye swimming pool! Goodbye scullery! Sorry for this, squash court seven.

Amy: Okay. Okay. Where are we?
The Doctor: Outside the Universe. Where we’ve never ever been.

Rory: Is that meant to be happening?
The Doctor: The power, it’s draining. Everything’s draining. But it can’t, that’s… that’s impossible.
Rory: What is that?
The Doctor: It’s as if the matrix—the soul of the TARDIS—has just vanished. Where would it go?

Amy: So what kind of trouble is your friend in?
The Doctor: He was in a bind. A bit of a pickle. Sort of… distressed.
Amy: Ah, you can’t just say you don’t know?
Rory: What is this place? The Scrapyard at the End of the Universe?
The Doctor: Not end of. Outside of.
Rory: How can we be outside the Universe? The Universe is everything.
The Doctor: Imagine a great big soap bubble with one of those tiny little bubbles on the outside.
Rory: Okay.
The Doctor: Well it’s nothing like that.

The Doctor: Completely drained. Look at her!
Amy: Wait, so we’re in a tiny bubble universe sticking to the side of the bigger bubble universe?
The Doctor: Yeah. No! But if it help, yes. This place is full of rift energy. She’ll probably refuel just by being here. Now, this place. What do we think, eh? Gravity’s almost Earth normal. Air’s breathable. But it smells like—
Amy: Armpits.
The Doctor: Armpits!
Rory: What about all this stuff? Where did this come from?
The Doctor: Well there’s a rift. Now and then stuff gets sucked through it. Not a bubble, a plughole. The Universe has a plughole and we’ve just fallen down it.

Idris: Hey! Hey! You’re my thief!
Auntie: She’s dangerous! Guard yourselves!
Idris: Look at you! Goodbye! No. Not goodbye. What’s the other one? {she kisses him}
Uncle: Watch out. Careful. Keep back from her.

Uncle: Welcome strangers. Lovely. Sorry about the mad person.
The Doctor: Why am I a thief? What have I stolen?
Idris: Me. Are you going to steal me. You have stolen me. You are stealing me. Oh! Tenses are difficult, aren’t they?
Auntie: Oh. Oh we are sorry, my dove. She’s off her head.

Auntie: They call me Auntie.
Uncle: I’m Uncle. I’m everybody’s uncle. Just keep back from this one. She bites!
Idris: Do I? Excellent! {She bites him} Biting’s excellent! It’s like kissing. Only there’s a winner.
Uncle: Oh, sorry. She’s doolally.
Idris: No, I’m not doolally. I’m mmmm. I’m mmm…. It’s on the tip of my tongue. I’ve just had a new idea about kissing. Come here, you!
Auntie: Idris! No!
Idris: Oh, but now you’re angry. No, you’re not. You will be angry. The little boxes will make you angry.
The Doctor: Sorry? Little what? Boxes?
Idris: Your chin is hilarious!

Idris: It means “the smell of dust after rain.”
Rory: What does?
Idris: Petrichor.
Rory: But I didn’t ask.
Idris: Not yet. But you will.

Auntie: No, Idris. I think you should have a rest.
Idris: Rest! Yes yes. Good idea. I’ll just… see if there’s an off switch. {she collapses)
Uncle: Is that it? She’s dead now. So sad.
Rory: She’s still breathing.
Uncle: Nephew, take Idris somewhere she cannot bite people, hm?

The Doctor: Oh hello!
Amy: Doctor, what is that?
The Doctor: Oh, no, it’s all right. It’s an Ood. Oods are good. Love an Ood.

The Doctor: Hello Ood! Can’t you talk? Oh, I see. It’s, ah, damaged. May I? Might just be on the wrong frequency.
Auntie: Nephew was broken when he came here. Why he’s half-dead. House repaired him. He’s actually repaired all of us.

If you are receiving this message, please help me. Send a signal to the High Council of the Time Lords of Gallifrey. Tell them that I am still alive! I don’t know where I am, I’m— […] planet.

Rory: What was that? Was that him?
The Doctor: No, no. It’s picking up something else. But that’s, that’s not possible. That’s, that’s— Who else is here? Tell me! Show me! Show me!
Auntie: Just what you see. Just the four of us. And the House.

The Doctor: The House. What’s the House?
Auntie: The House is all around you, my sweets. You are standing on him. This is the House. This world. would you like to meet him?
Rory: Meet him?
The Doctor: I’d love to.

Amy: What’s wrong? What were those voices?
The Doctor: Time Lords. It’s not just the Corsair. Somewhere close by there are lots and lots of Time Lords.

Idris: I’m— I’m—. Big word. Sad word. Why is that word so sad? No. Will be sad. Will be sad.

Uncle: Come. Come come. You can see House and he can look at you.
The Doctor: I see. This asteroid is sentient.
Auntie: We walk on his back, breathe his air, eat his food—
Amy: Smell its armpits.
House (Michael Sheen): —and do my will. You are most welcome, travellers.
The Doctor: Doctor, that voice. That’s the, um, the asteroid talking?
The Doctor: Yes. So you’re like a… sea urchin. Hard on the surface—that’s the planet we’re walking on. Big squashy ugly thing inside. That’s you.
House: That is correct, Time Lord.
The Doctor: Ah! So you’ve met Time Lords before.
House: Many travellers come through the rift. Like Auntie and Uncle and Nephew. I repair them when they break.
The Doctor: So there are Time Lords here then.
House: Not anymore. But there have been many TARDISs on my back in days gone by.
The Doctor: Ah. Well there won’t be anymore after us. Last Time Lord. Last TARDIS.
House: A pity. Your people were so kind. Be here in safety, Doctor. Rest. Feed, if you will.

Rory: We’re not actually gonna stay here, are we?
The Doctor: Well it seems like a friendly planet. Literally.

Idris: What was that? Do fish have fingers? Like a nine-year-old trying to rebuild a motorbike. What am I saying? Why am I saying that? Thief? Where’s my thief? Thief!

Rory: So as soon as the TARDIS is refueled we go, yeah?
The Doctor: No! There are Time Lords here. I heard them and they need me.
Amy: But you told me about your people and you told me what you did.
The Doctor: Yes, yes. But if they’re like The Corsair they’re good ones and I can save them.
Amy: And then tell them you destroyed all the others?
The Doctor: I can explain. Tell them why I had to.
Amy: You want to be forgiven.
The Doctor: Don’t we all?

The Doctor: My screwdriver, I left it in the TARDIS. It’s in my jacket.
Rory: You’re wearing your jacket.
The Doctor: My other jacket.
Rory: You have two of those?

Amy: I told you to look after him.
Rory: He’ll be fine. He’s a Time Lord.
Amy: It’s just what they’re called. It doesn’t mean he actually knows what he’s doing.

Amy: Hey, we’re here. The screwdriver’s in your jacket, yeah?
The Doctor: Yeah. It’s around somewhere. Have a good look. {he locks the TARDIS door with his screwdriver}

The Doctor: Just admiring your Time Lord distress signal collection. Nice job. Brilliant job. Really thought I had some friends here. But this is what the Ood translator picked up. Cries for help from the long dead.

The Doctor: How many Time Lords have you lured here the way you lured me? And what happened to them all?
Auntie: House, House is kind and he is wise.
The Doctor: “House repairs you when you break.” Yes I know! But how does he mend you? You’ve got the eyes of a twenty-year-old.
Uncle: Oh, thank you.
The Doctor: No, no. I mean it literally. Your eyes are thirty years younger than the rest of you. Your ears don’t match. Your right arm is two inches longer than your left. And how’s your dancing? ‘Cause you’ve got two left feet. Patchwork people. You’ve been repaired and patched up so often I doubt there’s anything left of what used to be you.

The Doctor: I had an umbrella like you once.
Auntie: Oh. No. It’s been a great arm for me, this.
The Doctor: The Corsair.
Auntie: He was a strapping big bloke, wasn’t he Uncle?
Uncle: Big fellah.
Auntie: I got the arm and Uncle got the spine and the kidneys.
The Doctor: You gave me hope and then you took it away. That’s enough to make anyone dangerous. God knows what it’ll do to me. Basically, run!

The Doctor: How did you know about the boxes? You said they’d make me angry. How did you know?
Idris: Ah. It’s my thief.
The Doctor: Who are you?
Idris: Hm. It’s about time.

The Doctor: I don’t understand. Who are you?
Idris: Do you really not know me? Just because they put me in here?
The Doctor: They said you were dangerous.
Idris: Not the cage, stupid. In here. They put me in here. I’m the… Oh, what do you call me? We travel. I go {she makes the TARDIS sound}.
The Doctor: The TARDIS?
Idris: Time and Relative Dimension in Space. Yes that’s it. Names are funny. It’s me. I’m the TARDIS.
The Doctor: No you’re not! You’re a bitey mad lady. The TARDIS is up-and-downy stuff in a big blue box.
Idris: Yes, that’s me. A type 40 TARDIS. I was already a museum piece when you were young. And the first time you touched my console, you said—
The Doctor: I said you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever known.
Idris: Then you stole me. And I stole you.
The Doctor: I borrowed you.
Idris: Borrowing implies the eventual intention to return the thing that was taken. What makes you think I would ever give you back?
The Doctor: You’re the TARDIS.
Idris: Yes.
The Doctor: My TARDIS?
Idris: My Doctor. Oh! We have now reached the point in the conversation where you open the lock. {he opens the lock}

Idris: Are all people like this?
The Doctor: Like what?
Idris: So much bigger on the inside. I’m— Oh, what is that word? It’s so big. And so complicated. And so sad.

The Doctor: But why? Why pull the living soul from a TARDIS and pop it in a tiny human head? What does it want you for?
Idris: Oh, it doesn’t want me.
The Doctor: How do you know?
Idris: House eats TARDISs.
The Doctor: House what? What do you mean?
Idris: I don’t know, something I heard you say.
The Doctor: When?
Idris: In the future.
The Doctor: House eats TARDISs?
Idris: Oh, there you go. What are fish fingers?
The Doctor: When do I say that?
Idris: Any second.
The Doctor: Of course! House feeds on rift energy and TARDISs are bursting with it. And not raw. Lovely and cooked. Processed food. Mmmm. Fish fingers.
Idris: Do fish have fingers?
The Doctor: But you can’t eat a TARDIS. It would destroy you, unless. Unless.
Idris: Unless. You deleted the TARDIS matrix first.
The Doctor: So it deleted you?
Idris: But House just can’t delete a TARDIS consciousness. That would blow a hole in the Universe. So he pulls out the matrix, sticks it into a living receptacle, and then it feeds off the remaining [Artron] energy. Ah! You were about to say all that. I don’t suppose you have to now.

The Doctor: Okay, right. I don’t… I really don’t know what to do. That’s a new feeling.

Rory: Listen. Whatever happens at least we’re together. And we’re in the TARDIS, so we’re safe.
House: You’re half-right. I mean, you are in the TARDIS. What a great adventure. I should have done this half-a-million years ago. So. Amy. Rory. Why shouldn’t I just kill you now?

The Doctor: It’s gone.
Idris: Eaten?
The Doctor: No, it left. Not eaten, hijacked. But why?
Auntie: It’s time for us both to go, Uncle, together.
The Doctor: Woah woah woah. Go? What do you mean “go”? Where are you going?
Auntie: Well we’re dying, my love. It’s time for Auntie and Uncle to pop off.
Uncle: I’m against it.
Auntie: It’s your fault, isn’t it, Sweets? ‘Cause you told House it was the last TARDIS. House can’t feed on them if there’s none more coming, can he?
Uncle: So now he’s off to your universe to find more TARDISs.
The Doctor: It won’t.
Auntie: Oh it’ll think of something. {she collapses}
Uncle: Actually, I feel fine. {he collapses}

Idris: We need to go to where we landed, Doctor. Quickly.
The Doctor: Why?
Idris: ‘Cause we are there in three minutes. We need to go now!

Idris: Roughly how long do these bodies last?
The Doctor: You’re dying.
Idris: Yes, of course I’m dying. I don’t belong in a flesh body. I could blow the casing in no time. No. Stop. Don’t get emotional. That’s what the orange girl says.

Idris: You’re the Doctor. Focus.
The Doctor: On what?! How? I’m a mad man with a box without a box. I’m stuck down the Plughole at the End of the Universe in a stupid old junkyard! Oh.
Idris: Oh what?
The Doctor: No, I’m not.
Idris: Not what?
The Doctor: ‘Cause it’s not a junkyard. Don’t you see it’s not a junkyard?
Idris: What is it then?
The Doctor: It’s a TARDIS junkyard. Come on!

The Doctor: Oo. Sorry. Do you have a name?
Idris: Seven hundred years, finally he asks.
The Doctor: And what do I call you?
Idris: I think you call me… Sexy.
The Doctor: Only when we’re alone.
Idris: We are alone.
The Doctor: Oh. Come on then, Sexy.

Rory: Killing us quickly wouldn’t be any fun. And you need fun, don’t you? That’s what Auntie and Uncle were for, wasn’t it? Someone to make suffer. I had a PE teacher just like you.

The Doctor: Valley of half-eaten TARDISs. You thinking what I’m thinking?
Idris: I’m thinking all of my sisters are dead. That they were devoured. And that we are looking at their corpses.
The Doctor: Ah. Sorry, no. I wasn’t thinking that.
Idris: No. You were thinking you could build a working TARDIS console out of broken remnants of a hundred different models. And you don’t care that it’s impossible?
The Doctor: It’s not impossible as long as we’re alive. Rory and Amy need me. So yeah, we’re gonna build a TARDIS.

Idris: Bond the tube directly into the tacking diverter.
The Doctor: Yes. Yes, I have actually rebuilt a TARDIS before, you know. I know what I’m doing.
Idris: You’re like a nine-year-old trying to rebuild a motorbike in his bedroom. And you never read the instructions.
The Doctor: I always read the instructions.
Idris: There’s a sign on my front door. You have been walking past it for seven hundred years. What does it say?
The Doctor: That’s not instructions!
Idris: There’s an instruction at the bottom. What does it say?
The Doctor: “Pull to open.”
Idris: Yes, and what do you do?
The Doctor: I push!
Idris: Every single time. Seven hundred years. Police box doors open out the way.
The Doctor: I think I have earned the right to open my front doors anyway I want.
Idris: Your front doors? Have you any idea how childish that sounds?
The Doctor: Oh. You are not my mother.
Idris: And you are not my child.

The Doctor: You know, since we’re talking with mouths—not really an opportunity that comes along very often—I just want to say, you know you have never been very reliable.
Idris: And you have?
The Doctor: You didn’t always take me where I wanted to go.
Idris: No, but I always took you where you needed to go.
The Doctor: You did.

The Doctor: Look at us! Talking! Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could always talk, even when you’re stuck inside the box?
Idris: But you know I’m not constructed that way. I exist across all space and time and you talk and run around and bring home strays!

The Doctor: You okay?
Idris: One of the kidneys has already failed. It doesn’t matter, we need to finish assembling the console.
The Doctor: Using a console without a proper shell. Whew. It’s not going to be safe.
Idris: This body has about eighteen minutes left to live. The universe we’re in will reach absolute zero in three hours. Safe is relative.

Idris: Do you ever wonder why I chose you all those years ago?
The Doctor: I chose you. You were unlocked.
Idris: Of course I was. I wanted to see the Universe so I stole a Time Lord and I ran away. And you were the only one mad enough.

The Doctor: Right. Perfect. Look at that. What could possibly go wrong? {something springs out}. That’s fine. That always happens.

Rory: Two thousand years I waited for you and you did it to me again!
Amy: I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.

The Doctor: I’ve got nothing.
Idris: Oh my beautiful idiot. You have what you’ve always had. You’ve got me.

The Doctor: Can you get a message to Amy? The telepathic circuits are online.
Idris: Which one’s Amy? The pretty one?

Idris: Hello Pretty!
Rory: What the hell is that?
The Doctor popping into view: Don’t worry! Telepathic messaging. {to Idris} No, that’s Rory.
Idris: You have to go to the old control room. I’m putting the root in your head. When you get there use the purple slider on the nearest panel to lower the shields.
The Doctor popping back: The pretty one?

The Doctor: How’s he going to be able to take down the shields anyway? The House is in the control room.
Idris: I directed him to one of the old control rooms.
The Doctor: There aren’t any old control rooms. They were all deleted or remodeled.
Idris: I archived them. For neatness. I’ve got about thirty now.
The Doctor: I’ve only changed the desktop what, a dozen times?
Idris: So far, yes.
The Doctor: You can’t archive something that hasn’t happened yet.
Idris: You can’t!

The Doctor: You’re doing it, you sexy thing!
Idris: See, you do call me that. Is it my name?
The Doctor: You bet it’s your name!

Amy: Crimson. Eleven. Delight. The smell of dust after rain.

House: I had hoped you two could join Nephew as my servants. But you two are nothing but trouble. Nephew. Kill them.

The Doctor: She’s a woman. And she’s the TARDIS.
Amy: Did you wish really hard?
The Doctor: Shut up! Not like that.
Idris: Hello. I’m Sexy.
The Doctor: Oh! Still shut up.

Rory: Where’s Nephew?
Amy: He was standing right where you materialized.
The Doctor: Ah. Well. He must have been redistributed.
Rory: Meaning what?
The Doctor: You’re breathing him. Another Ood I failed to save.

House: Doctor. I did not expect you.
The Doctor: Well that’s me all over, isn’t it? The lovely old unexpected me.

The Doctor: Hey. Hang in there, Old Girl. Not long now. It’ll be over soon.
Idris: I always liked it when you called me Old Girl.

The Doctor: Yes. I mean you could do that but it just won’t work. Hardwired fail safe. Living things from rooms that are deleted are automatically deposited in the main control room. But thanks for the lift.

House: Fear me. I’ve killed hundreds of Time Lords.
The Doctor: Fear me. I’ve killed all of them.

Rory: I don’t understand. There isn’t a forest in here.

The Doctor: Yep, you’ve defeated us. Me, my lovely friends here. And last—but definitely not least—the TARDIS matrix herself. A living consciousness you ripped out of this very control room and locked up into a human body. And look at her.
Rory: Doctor, she’s stopped breathing.
House: Enough. That is enough.
The Doctor: No. It’s never enough. You’ve forced the TARDIS into a body so she’d burn out safely, a very long way away from this control room. A flesh body can’t hold the TARDIS matrix and live. Look at her body, House.
House: And you think I should mourn her?
The Doctor: No. I think you should be very very careful about what you let back into this control room. You took her from her home. And now she’s back in her box again. And she’s free.
House: No! Doctor! Stop this! Stop this now!
The Doctor: Look at my girl. Look at her go. Bigger on the inside! See, House. That’s your problem. Size of a planet but inside you are just so small.
House: Make it stop.
The Doctor: Finish him off, girl.

Idris: Doctor. Are you there? It’s so very dark in here.
The Doctor: I’m here. Hey.
Idris: I’ve been looking for a word. A big, complicated word, but so sad. I found it now.
The Doctor: What word?
Idris: “Alive.” I’m alive.
The Doctor: Alive isn’t sad.
Idris: It’s sad when it’s over. I’ll always be here. But this is when we talked. And now even that has come to an end.

Idris: There’s something I didn’t get to say to you.
The Doctor: Goodbye.
Idris: No. I just wanted to say, Hello. Hello Doctor. It’s so very very nice to meet you.
The Doctor: Please. I don’t want you to.
Idris: I love you.

Rory: How’s it going under there?
The Doctor: Just putting a firewall around the matrix. Almost done.
Amy: Are you going to make her talk again?
The Doctor: Can’t.
Rory: Why not?
Amy: Spacey wacey, isn’t it?
The Doctor: Well actually it’s because the Time Lords discovered that if you take an eleventh dimensional matrix and fold it into a mechanical then— Yes, it’s spacey wacey!

Rory: At the end, she was talking. She kept repeating something. I don’t know what it meant.
The Doctor: What did she say?
Rory: “The only water in the forest is the river.” She said we’d need to know that someday. It doesn’t make sense, does it?
The Doctor: Not yet.

The Doctor: You okay?
Rory: No. I watched her die. I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it still does. I’m a nurse.
The Doctor: Letting it get to you. You know what that’s called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now is all that counts.

The Doctor: Big finish. Two more minutes, then we’re off. The Eye of Orion’s restful. If you like restful. I could never really get the hang of restful. What do you think, dear? Huh? Where should we take the kids this time?
Amy: Look at you pair. It’s always you and her isn’t it? Long after the rest of us have gone. A boy and his box off to see the universe.
The Doctor: Well you say that as if it’s a bad thing. But honestly it’s the best thing there is.

The Doctor: The House deleted all the bedrooms. I should probably make you two a new bedroom. You’d like that wouldn’t you?
Amy: Okay. Um. Doctor, this time could we lose the bunkbeds?
The Doctor: No! Bunk beds are cool. A bed. With a ladder. You can’t beat that.

The Doctor: Are you there? Can you hear me? No. Obviously not. Okay. The Eye of Orion or wherever we need to go. {the lever moves on its own and the TARDIS takes off}.