Mummy on the Orient Express

The Doctor: Start the clock.

Mrs. Pitt (Janet Henfrey): Is there some sort of fancy dress thing on this evening?
Maisie Pitt (Daisy Beaumont): I don’t think so. Why do you ask?
Mrs. Pitt: Well that fellow over there. Dressed as a mummy monster thing.
Maisie: What do you mean? I can’t see him.
Mrs. Pitt: Hello. You! You! {indicating the mummy} Throw that man out of my dining car. It’s disgusting!
Waiter: I’m sorry, madam. Which man?
Mrs. Pitt: Which man? I’ll have your job! That man right there, dressed as a monster.
Maisie: Mama, there isn’t anyone there. Are you feeling okay?
Mrs. Pitt: Don’t you dare lie to me, girl! I won’t be made a fool of. Stop it! Stop him at once. Right now!
Maisie: Mama, there’s no one there. You’re worrying me. Do you want one of your pills?
Mrs. Pitt: No! No! Get it off! Get it off!

The Doctor: Your train await, my lady.
Clara looking around: Wonderful.
The Doctor: The baggage car. But thanks for lying.

The Doctor: There were many trains to take the name “Orient Express” but only one— {he opens the door} —in space.
Clara: Of course it is.
The Doctor: Completely faithful recreation of the original Orient Express, except slightly bigger. And in space. Oh, and the rails are actually hyperspace ribbons. But in every other respect, identical. Painstaking attention to detail. Most of the time.

The Doctor: You’re doing it again.
Clara: Doing what?
The Doctor: The smile.
Clara: Yeah, I’m smiling.
The Doctor: Yes, the sad smile. It’s a smile but you’re sad. It’s confusing. It’s like two emotions at once. It’s like you’re malfunctioning.
Clara: Sorry.

The Doctor: I just thought that this would be a good one—
Clara: To end it. Yeah. It is. It’s a good choice. Good one to end on.
The Doctor: Yeah? Shall we?

Clara: I really thought I hated you, you know.
The Doctor: Well thank God you kept that to yourself. There’s this planet, Obsidian, the planet of perpetual darkness—
Clara: I did. I did hate you. In fact I hated you for weeks.
The Doctor: Good, fine. I’m glad that we cleared that up. But there’s also this planet that was made completely of shrubs—
Clara: I went to a concert once. Can’t remember who it was. But you know that the singer said?
The Doctor: Well, frankly, that would be an absolutely astonishing guess if I did know.
Clara: She said, “Hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on someone that you don’t like.”
The Doctor: Were people really confused? ‘Cause I’m confused. What, did everybody leave?
Clara: Oh shut up. Look, what I’m trying to say is, I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. But I can’t do this anymore. Not the way you do it.
The Doctor: Can I talk about the planets now?
Clara smiling: Yes. Go.

Captain Quell (David Bamber): Sorry about that. I suppose it’s understandable in the circumstances. I don’t believe we’ve been introduced. Captain Quell.
Clara: I’m Clara. This is the Doctor.
Captain Quell: Ah. Another one.
Clara: Sorry? Another what?
Captain Quell: Well we’ve got doctors and professors coming out of our ears on this trip. So what are you a doctor of?
The Doctor: Now there’s a question that’s never asked often enough. Let’s say… intestinal parasites.
Captain Quell: I’m beginning to think Miss Pitt was right about you.
What’s wrong with her? Did something happen?
Captain Quell: You mean you really don’t know?

Clara: There’s a body and there’s a mummy. I mean can you not just get on a train? Did a wizard put a curse on you about mini-breaks?
The Doctor: Might be nothing. Old ladies die all the time. It’s practically their job description.
Clara: And the monster?
The Doctor: Well, seen by no one except her, which suggests it wasn’t there. A dying brain. Lack of oxygen. Hallucinations. Anyway, people do just die sometimes. She was over a hundred years old.
Clara: Says the 2,000 year old man.

The Doctor: Clara, you actually sound as if you want this to be a thing. Do you?
Clara: No. No. Look, fine. You know, if you think that there is nothing to worry about then that is fine by me.
The Doctor: Are you sure?
Clara: Ah yes, I’m sure.
The Doctor: To our last hurrah.
Clara: Our last, yeah. But I mean it’s not like I’m never going to see you again.
The Doctor: Isn’t it?
Clara: Is it?
The Doctor: I thought that’s what you wanted.
Clara: No, well, I mean you’re going to come around for dinner or something aren’t you? Do you do that? Do you come ’round to people’s houses for dinner?
The Doctor: Of course, why wouldn’t I do that?
Clara: I don’t know, I thought you might find it boring.
The Doctor: Is it boring?
Clara: No. To the last hurrah.

The Doctor talking to himself: It’s nothing. Nothing. Definitely sure. 99 percent sure. Really? 99 percent? That’s quite high. Is that the figure you’re sticking with? Okay, okay. 75. Well that’s jumped quite a bit. You just lost 24 percent.

Danny (Samuel Anderson): A train in space. Sounds pretty cool.
Clara: So what, you’re saying just because he’s brought me somewhere cool I shouldn’t dump him?
Danny: Well, one, you can’t dump him because he’s not your boyfriend and, two, dumping him sounds little scorched earth. You still basically get on. I think you should just enjoy your space train. At least it’s not dangerous.
Clara: Yeah, it’s pretty… boring really.

The Doctor still talking to himself: Because you know what this sounds like? No, do tell me. “A mummy that only the victim can see?” I was being rhetorical! I know exactly what this sounds like.

Perkins (Frank Skinner): Beautiful bit of kit, isn’t it, sir? The Excelsior Life Extender. It’s like driving around in a portable hospital.
The Doctor: Yes, well it didn’t do Mrs. Pitt much good, did it?
Perkins: You’ve got me there, sir. Certainly got me there. Maybe it malfunctioned.
The Doctor: Oh, I don’t think so.  The records show that the machine did everything it could to keep her alive.
Perkins: Yeah. And almost drained the battery doing it.
The Doctor: What do you know?
Perkins: Well… I know that when I find a man fiddling with a chair that someone died in it’s best to play my cards close to my chest.
The Doctor: Really? Well I know that when I find a man loitering near a chair that someone died in, I do just the same.

Perkins: Perkins. Chief Engineer.
The Doctor: The Doctor. Nosy parker.

Maisie: My name’s Maisie. I’m not mad.
Clara: Oh. Okay. Um, I didn’t say you were. But you’ve had a bad day. I think anybody could do with a little bit of help after a day like today.

Maisie: Computer. Open the door.
Gus (John Sessions): Call me Gus. I’m afraid this door can only be opened by executive order.

Clara: Okay, I have a friend who is really good with locks. Do you want to come with me, see if we can find him? {Maisie slams her heel into the interface} Or you could do that because… that works too.

The Doctor: What’s the most interesting thing about the Foretold?
Professor Emil Moorhouse (Christopher Villiers): I’m terribly sorry, I don’t think we’ve met.
The Doctor: You know. The Foretold. Mythical mummy. Legend has it that, if you see it, you’re a dead man.
Prof. Moorhouse: Yes, I know what it is. You see, I happen to be—
The Doctor: Emil Moorhouse, professor of alien mythology. I’m the Doctor. Please to meet you. So, the most interesting thing about the Foretold. Go!
Prof. Moorhouse: Ah… Well it would have to be the time limit given before it kills you. I can’t think of another myth where it’s so specific. How does it go? Um… “The number of evil twice over. They that bear the Foretold’s store have 66 seconds to live.”
The Doctor: No no no. Nice try. Very atmospheric. But that’s not it. Try again.
Prof. Moorhouse: A cynical man might say that you were trying to pump me for information.
The Doctor: The myth of the Foretold first appeared over 5,000 years ago. In some stories there is a riddle or secret word that is supposed to make it stop. Some characters try to bargain with it. Offer riches. Confess sins. All to no avail.
Prof. Moorhouse: Well you certainly know a little mythology.
The Doctor: I know a lot. Because from time to time it turns out to be true.
Prof. Moorhouse: But that’s the great appeal isn’t it? Earth legends are such dry, dusty affairs and always fiction. But up here, in the stars, anything’s possible. That’s why I chose this field to be honest. Hoping one day I might meet a real monster.
The Doctor: Isn’t that everyone’s dream. But you still haven’t answered my riddle. What’s the most interesting thing about the Foretold?
Prof. Moorhouse: Well you can’t run from it, that’s for sure. There are accounts of people trying but it never works. No matter how far you run, it’s always right there behind you.

Prof. Moorhouse: All right, I give up. You tell me.
The Doctor: Mrs. Pitt, the woman who died.
Prof. Moorhouse: She died of old age. Nothing supernatural.
The Doctor: No, that’s my answer.
Prof. Moorhouse: Her death?
The Doctor: No. The fact that you were here to witness it.

Maisie: Do you ever wished bad things on people?
Clara: Oh yeah. All the time. Whoever designed this door for a start.

Maisie: She wasn’t really my mum. She just made me call her that. She was my gran. Do you know why I wanted to see her body?
Clara: Because you loved her very much and were missing her?
Maisie: You’ve obviously never met her. No, I just felt really guilty. Like I’ve been picturing her dying for years, like a daydream. Not really meaning it—at least I don’t think I did. But now it just feels like I made this happen.

The Doctor: I think we need to talk.
Captain Quell: This matter does not concern the passengers.
The Doctor: I’m not a passenger, I’m your worst nightmare. {shows him the psychic paper}
Captain Quell: A mystery shopper. Oh great.
The Doctor: Really? That’s your worst—? Okay, I’m a mystery shopper. I could do with an extra pillow and I’m very disappointed with your breakfast bar. And… all of the dying.

Perkins: Uh, passenger manifest, plan of the train, and a list of stops for the past six months.
The Doctor: Quick work, Perkins. Maybe too quick.
Perkins: Yes sir. I’m obviously the mummy. Or perhaps I was already looking into this.

Maisie: This Doctor, he’s your what exactly?
Clara: Mm. He’s not my anything.

Prof. Moorhouse: In all of the legends, conventional weapons have no effect on the Foretold. It’s immortal. Unstoppable. Unkillable.
Perkins: Can we get a new expert?

Maisie: Life would be so much simpler if you liked the right people—the people you’re supposed to like. But then I guess there’d be no fairytales.

The Doctor: Now the stupid sonic screwdriver’s not working.
Clara: What do you mean it’s not working? Why?
The Doctor: I don’t know. Some sort of a suppression field I would guess. And it has to be a guess because as I say, the stupid sonic screwdriver’s not working.

Clara as the sarcophagus opens: Turns out the sonic is working, just not on the door we needed.

The Doctor in handcuffs: I’m going to have to mark you down for this.
Captain Quell: You are not a mystery shopper.

The Doctor: There’s a monster on this train that can only be seen by those about to die. If you do see it, you will have exactly 66 seconds left in which to live. But that isn’t even the strangest thing. Do you know what is? You. The passengers. Experts in alien biology, mythology, physics. If I was putting together a team to analyze this thing, I’d pick you. And I think somebody has. Someone of immense power and influence has orchestrated this whole trip. Someone who I have no doubt is listening to us right now. So are you going to step out from behind the curtain and give us our orders?
Perkins: The engines. They’ve stopped.
And the façade drops away, because what use are a bunch of scientists without a lab.

Gus: Good morning, everyone! Around the room you will find a variety of scientific equipment.  Your goal is to ascertained the Foretold’s true nature, probe for weaknesses with a view to capture, after which we will reverse engineer its abilities. Isn’t this exciting!
The Doctor: You said “capture,” implying that you can’t control this thing, and yet somehow you got it on board. How?
Gus: There is an artifact—an ancient scroll. I have highlighted it for your convenience. For reasons currently unknown, the Foretold appears in the vicinity of this artifact.

Prof. Moorhouse seeing the mummy: Actually, seeing it in the flesh isn’t nearly as rewarding as I thought it might be.
The Doctor: Oh dear. Hard cheese.

The Doctor: The sarcophagus is actually a secure stasis unit. Yes. It’s where they want us to put the Foretold if we capture it.
Clara: Well that would have been good to know.

The Doctor: Less valuable passengers. How does it choose?
Perkins: Well I’m assuming qualifications…
The Doctor: No no, not the computer. The Foretold. How does it choose who to kill? We’ve assumed that it’s random. What if it’s not?

The Doctor: If you move, will it follow?
Captain Quell: You want me to move? Because I can certainly do that.

The Doctor: If only I could see this thing.
Perkins: Don’t even joke about that!
The Doctor: I’m not even joking. One minute with me and this thing, it would be over!
Perkins: You know Doctor, I can’t tell if you’re a genius or just incredibly arrogant.
The Doctor: Well on a good day I’m both.

The Doctor: You sir are a genius! This explains everything! Apart from what it is and how it’s doing it. Sorry, I jumped the gun there with the “You’re a genius, that explains everything” remark.

Clara: Okay, so you can save her. Right?
The Doctor: Of course not. Why would you think that? This is another chance to observe it in action.
Clara: As it kills her.

Clara: We passed the TARDIS on the way here. Thought about getting inside, hiding or pulling the levers and hoping for the best. But we couldn’t get in. There was a force field around it.
The Doctor: It’s probably Gus trying to block our escape route.
Clara: But how does he even know what it is? Because if he knows what it is then he knows what you are.
Well he has tried to entice me here before. Free tickets. Mysterious summons. He even phoned the TARDIS once and you know how difficult—
You knew. You knew this was no relaxing break. You knew this was dangerous.
I didn’t know. I certainly hoped.
Okay, this. This is why I’m leaving you. This. Because you lied. You lied to me again. And now you’ve made me lie. You’ve made me your accomplice.

The Doctor: Hello. I’m so pleased to finally see you. I’m the Doctor and I will be your victim for the evening. Are you my mummy? But you can’t hurt me until my time is up. I think. So are there magic words? Is there any way to stop you in your tracks? {an aside to Maisie} Oh, you really didn’t like your gran, did you? There’s something visible under the bandages. {to Maisie} By the way, you weren’t being paranoid. She really did poison your pony. Markings like the ones on the scroll! {Maisie again} Oh, and your father. Sorry.
Maisie: What?
The Doctor: A tattered piece of cloth attached to a length of wood that you will kill for.
Perkins: 30 seconds.
The Doctor: That doesn’t sound like a scroll that sounds like… a flag! And if that sounds like a flag. if this is a flag, that means that you are a soldier. Wounded in a forgotten war, thousands of years ago. But they’ve worked on you, haven’t they, son? They filled you full of kit. State of the art phase camouflage. Personal teleported.
Perkins: Ten seconds.
The Doctor: And all that tech inside you, it just won’t let you die, will it? It won’t let the war end. It just won’t you stop until the war is over. We surrender!
Maisie: I can see it again!
Clara: It’s okay. I think we all can.

The Doctor: You’re relieved, soldier.
Perkins: Whew. He’s not the only one.

Gus: Unfortunately, survivors of this exercise are not required.
The Doctor: Oh well there’s a shocker.
Gus: Air will now be removed from the entire train. We hope you have enjoyed your journey on the Orient Express.

The Doctor: My enemy of my enemy is my friend, especially when he has a built in teleported.
Clara: Great. So use it.
The Doctor: A little more work.
Clara: Doctor—
The Doctor: A couple minutes, max. I’ll give you a shout.

Clara: So you saved everyone?
The Doctor: No, I just saved you and I let everyone else suffocate. Ha ha ha.
Clara: Mm.
The Doctor: Yeah, this is just my cover story.
Clara: So when you lied to Maisie, when you made me lie to Maisie—
The Doctor: I couldn’t risk Gus finding out my plan and stopping me.
Clara: So you were pretending to be heartless.
The Doctor: Would you like to think that about me? Would that make it easier? I didn’t know if I could save her. I couldn’t save Quell, I couldn’t save Moorhouse. There was a good chance that she’d die too.

The Doctor: Sometimes the only choices you have are bad ones. But you still have to choose.

Perkins: It’s quite a vehicle you have here, Doctor. I won’t pretend to understand half of it. having said that, I did notice you’ve got a couple drive stacks need replacing.
The Doctor: Oh you did, did you?
Perkins: Yeah. You should get someone in. And a job like that takes forever.
The Doctor: Really? Well I suppose whoever I did get in, might be easier to have them stay on board for a while. I don’t suppose you’d know of anyone.
Perkins: No. Sorry, Doctor, but I don’t think I do. That job could, ah, change a man.
The Doctor: Yes it does. Frequently.

Clara: Do you love it?
The Doctor: Love what?
Clara: I know it’s scary and difficult, but do you love being the man making the impossible choice?
The Doctor: Why would I?
Because it’s what you do all day, every day.