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Jack: Okay, okay, I’ve got you!
Rose: Who’s got me? Who’s got me and, you know, how?
Jack: I’m just programming your descent pattern. Stay as still as you can and keep your hands and feet inside the light field.
Rose: Descent pattern?
Jack: Oh, and can you switch off your cellphone? No, seriously. It interferes with my instruments.
Rose: You know, no one ever believes that.
Jack: Thank you. Much better.
Rose: Oh yeah, that’s real load off, that is. I’m hanging in the sky in the middle of a German air raid with a Union Jack across my chest, but hey! My mobile phone’s off!
Rose: So, um, who’re you supposed to be then?
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness. 133 Squadron, Royal Air Force. American volunteer.
Rose: Liar. This is psychic paper. It tells me whatever you want it to tell me.
Jack: How do you know?
Rose: Two things. One, I have a friend that uses this all the time. And two, you just handed me a piece of paper telling me you’re single and you work out.
Jack: Tricky thing, psychic paper.
Rose: Yeah. can’t let your mind wander when you’re handing it over.
Jack: Oh. You sort of have a boyfriend called Mickey Smith but you consider yourself to be footloose and fancy free.
Jack: Actually, the word you use is “available”.
Rose: No way.
Jack: And another one: “very”.
Jack: The London Blitz is great for self-cleaners. Pompeii’s nice if you want to make a vacation of it though. But you gotta set your alarm for Volcano Day.
Jack: I don’t know what’s happening here, but believe me, I had nothing to do with it.
The Doctor: I’ll tell you what’s happening. You forgot to set your alarm clock. It’s Volcano Day.
The Doctor: Sonic Blaster. 54th century. Weapons factory at Villengard?
Jack: You’ve been to the factories?
The Doctor: Once.
Jack: Well they’re gone now. Destroyed. Main reactor went critical. Vaporized the lot.
The Doctor: Like I said: once. There’s a banana grove there now. I like bananas. Bananas are good.
Jack: Who has a sonic screwdriver?
The Doctor: I do!
Jack: Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, “Ooh, this could be a little more sonic.”?
The Doctor: What, you’ve never been bored? Never had a long night? Never had a lot of cabinets to put up?
Rose: You used to be a Time Agent and now you are trying to con it?
Captain Jack: If it makes me sound any better, it’s not for the money.
Rose: It’s for what?
Captain Jack: Woke up one morning when I was still working for them, found they had stolen two years of my memories. I’d like ’em back.
Rose: They stole your memories?
Captain Jack: Two years of my life: no idea what I did. Your friend over there doesn’t trust me, and for all I know he is right not to.
Jack: Doctor, that bomb— we’ve got seconds.
Rose: You can teleport us out.
Jack: Not you guys. The Navcom’s back online. Gonna take too long to override the protocols.
The Doctor: So it’s Volcano Day. Do what you’ve got to do.
Jack: Okay computer, how long can we keep the bomb in stasis?
Computer: Stasis decaying at 90% cycle. Detonation in three minutes.
Jack: Can we jettison it?
Computer: Any attempt to jettison the device will precipitate detonation. 100% probability.
Jack: We could stick it in an escape pod.
Computer: There is no escape pod on board.
Jack: Okay, see the flaw in that. I’ll get in the escape pod.
Computer: There is no escape pod on board.
Jack: Did you check everywhere?
Jack: Under the sink!
Jack: Okay, out of 100, exactly how dead am I?
Computer: Termination of Captain Jack Harkness in under two minutes. 100% probability.
Jack: Lovely. Thanks. Good to know the numbers.
Computer: You’re welcome.
Jack: Okay then. Think we better initiate emergency protocol 417.
Jack: Oo. A little too much vermouth. See if I come here again! laughs. Funny thing. Last time I was sentenced to death I ordered four hyper-vodkas for my breakfast. All a bit of a blur after that. Woke up in bed with both my executioners. Lovely couple. They stayed in touch. Can’t say that about most executioners. Anyway. Thanks for everything, computer. It’s been great.
Rose: Welcome to the TARDIS.
Jack: Much bigger on the inside.
The Doctor: You better be.
Rose: I think what the Doctor is trying to say is, you may cut in.
The Doctor: Rose, I’ve just remembered.
The Doctor: I can dance. I can dance!
Rose: Actually, Doctor, I thought Jack might like this dance.
The Doctor: I’m sure he would Rose. I’m absolutely certain. But who with?
Mickey: So what are you doing in Cardiff and who the hell is Jumpin’ Jack Flash? I mean I don’t mind you hanging out with big ears up there—
The Doctor: Oy!
Mickey: Look in the mirror. But this guy, I don’t know. He’s kinda—
Mickey: More like cheesy.
Jack: Early 21st century slang. Is cheesy good or bad?
Mickey: It’s bad.
Jack: But bad means good, isn’t that right?
The Doctor: Are you saying I’m not handsome?
Mickey: That old lady’s staring.
Jack: Probably wondering what four people could do inside a small wooden box.
Mickey: What are you captain of? The innuendo squad? Jack gives him the universal sign for Whatever.
Jack: See ya in hell.
Finding himself on What Not to Wear:
We’re going to have to find you some new colors. Maybe get rid of that Oklahoma-Farm-Boy thing you’ve got going on. Just stand still and let the Defabricator work its magic.
Jack: What’s the Defabricator?
Okay. Defabricator. Does exactly what it says on the tin. Am I naked in front of millions of viewers?
Jack: Ladies, your viewing figures just went up.
Android 1: And now it’s time for the face off.
Jack: What does that mean? Do I get to compete with someone else?
Android 1: No. Like I said, “Face. Off.” I think you’d look good with a dog’s head.
Android 2: Or maybe no head at all. That would be so outrageous.
Android 1: And we could stitch your legs to the middle of your chest.
Android 2: Nothing is too extreme. It’s to die for.
Jack: Hold on, ladies. I don’t want to have to shoot either one of you.
Android 1: But you’re unarmed.
Android 2: You’re naked!
Android 1 : But that’s a compact laser deluxe!
Android 1: Where were you hiding that?
Jack: You really don’t want to know.
Jack: Well ladies, the pleasure was all mine. Which is the only thing that matters in the end.
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness.
Lynda: Lynda Moss.
Jack: Nice to meet you, Lynda Moss.
The Doctor: You mind flirting outside?
Jack: I was just saying hello.
The Doctor: For you that’s flirting.
Lynda: I’m not complaining.
Jack: Muchas gracias. kisses her hand.
Captain Jack: Don’t you touch him! Leave him alone! You killed her! Your stupid friggin’ game show killed her!
You’re not allowed in there. Archive Six is out-of-bounds.
Captain Jack brandishing his guns: Do I look like an out-of-bounds sort of guy?
Captain Jack: Everybody watching? Okay, 3-2-1.
The Doctor: But you killed her.
Captain Jack: Oh, do you think?
Lynda: What the hell was that?
Captain Jack: It’s a transmat beam. Not a disintegrator, a secondary transmat system. People don’t get killed in the games. They get transported across space. Doctor, Rose is still alive.
Davitch Pavale: Use that, it might contain the final numbers. I kept a log of all the unscheduled transmissions.
Captain Jack: Nice. Thanks. Captain Jack Harkness, by the way.
Davitch Pavale: I’m Davitch Pavale.
Captain Jack: Nice to meet you, Davitch Pavale.
The Doctor: There’s a time and a place.
Captain Jack: The extrapolator’s working. We’ve got a fully functional force field. Try saying that when you’re drunk.
Captain Jack: One minute they’re the greatest threat in the Universe, the next minute they vanished out of time and space.
The Doctor: They went off to fight a bigger war. The Time War.
Captain Jack: I thought that was just a legend.
The Doctor: I was there. The war between the Daleks and the Time Lords. With the whole of creation at stake. My people were destroyed, but they took the Daleks with them. I almost thought it was worth it. Now it turns out they died for nothing.
The Doctor: Is that it? Useless! Nul points. It’s alright, c’mon out. That force field can hold back anything.
Captain Jack: Almost anything.
The Doctor: Yes, but I wasn’t going to tell them that. Thanks.
Captain Jack: Sorry.
Captain Jack: It’s been fun, but I guess this is goodbye.
Rose: Don’t talk like that. The Doctor’s gonna do it. You just, watch him.
Captain Jack: Rose, you are worth fighting for. kisses her. Wish I’d never met you Doctor. I was much better off as a coward. kisses him. to both: See you in hell.
Captain Jack: If you hear fighting up above—if you hear us dying—then tell me that the Daleks aren’t real.
The Doctor to the Dalek: The whole universe is in danger if I let you live. D’you see, Jack? That’s the decision I’ve got to make for every living thing. Die as a human or live as a Dalek. What would you do?
Captain Jack: You sent her home. She’s safe. Keep working.
Dalek Emperor: But he will exterminate you!
Captain Jack: Never doubted him, never will.
The Doctor: Now you tell me, god of all Daleks, ’cause there’s one thing I never worked out. The words Bad Wolf. Spread across time and space. Everywhere. Drawing me in. How’d you manage that?
Dalek Emperor: I did nothing.
The Doctor: Oh c’mon, there’s no secrets now, your worship.
Dalek Emperor: They’re no part of my design. This is the truth of god.
The Doctor: Jack, how’re we doing?
Captain Jack: 495 should be good. I like 495.