Being Human Series 3

Lia

2011.01.23    

Kai Owen  Lacey Turner  Michael Socha  Paul Kaye  Philip Brook  Rhys Matthews  Robson Green  Trudi Jackson

George: So, um, it was a bed and breakfast?
Blodwen (Trudi Jackson): I saw their ad in the free paper. “A slice of heaven in Barry.” I bet heaven didn’t have chemical toilets.

Blodwen: So it’s the three of you, is it?
Mitchell: A friend will be joining us.
George: Well that’s… Yeah, we hope so. It’s not definite.
Mitchell: No no. She should be here pretty soon. I don’t know what’s taking her so long. {Nina gives him the finger.}
Blodwen: Do what you want as long as the rent’s covered. We’ve been trying to shift this place for months. I reckon it’s haunted. {the three pause for a moment}
Nina: No, it’s fine.
George: Nope, there’s nothing here.

George: Do you know what really really excited us? It was the, um, it was the basement gym. See? She’s excited. Could we, uh, could we have a look?
Blodwen: Depends how good you are at handling disappointment.

Newsreader: Four weeks since the attacks in Box Tunnel, and the police have yet to make any arrests. However— {the screen breaks up and Annie cuts in}
Annie: Mitchell? Mitchell? Can you hear me?
Mitchell: Annie?
Annie: Help, Mitchell. I’m so scared.
Mitchell: Don’t go! Can you see me? Are you okay? Oh god, Annie.

Blodwen: I think gym is more a statement of intent.

George: Is it soundproof? It’s just um, yeah, I can get pretty… Rawr! Rawr! when I’m working out, you know. “Feel the burn!” “Who’s your daddy!”… “Say what you see.”
Nina: Oh god.

Annie: They call this the waiting room. We wait here until… they know where they want us to go.
Mitchell: But have they told you where?
Annie: They’re going to build a special room just for me. They’re gonna lock the door and they’re gonna burn the key.
Mitchell: But what does that mean?
Annie: It’s Hell, Mitchell! They’re gonna take me to Hell!
Mitchell: No, Annie! Annie, listen to me. I’m coming to get you. We just need to find out what—

Mitchell: Annie was there. She was on the screen.
George: What, you’re kidding.
Nina: Is she okay? What did she say?
Mitchell: We’re running out of time.

Blodwen: Okay, look. I’ve had a pow-wow with my boss. And how is this: sign now and we’ll give this place a spruce. Lose the swirly carpet, get some strip floorboards, blinds and stuff. Make it look all catalogue-y.
George: Okay. Well, how long will that take?
Blodwen: Two weeks tops. I know a lot of Polish fellas. Peasant-stock. Very driven.
George: Okay, right. No. We want to move in now.
Blodwen: Really?
Nina: Please. Can we?
George: Mitchell?
Mitchell: Yeah. Whatever.
Blodwen: But it’s…. Well, look at it.
George: It’s fine. We wouldn’t change a thing, would we? We just, we can’t wait to start our… Hawaiian dream.

McNair (Robson Green): And he’s a werewolf?
Tom McNair (Michael Socha): Benicio del something. He’s a Spanish actor. The special effects are amazing, Dad. I’ve seen the pictures. Anyway, there’s an 11am screening for OAPs. I thought you’d feel at home.
McNair: I dunno. Makes it seem trivial.
Tom McNair: You liked The English Patient.
McNair: Because there weren’t any werewolves in The English Patient. It had elegance.

McNair: Are they really going to show The Wolfman to a lot of OAPs? Even old people are weird now.

Mitchell barging in: Have you got a radio?
George: What?
Mitchell: I need a radio. I have an idea. {he dives across the bed}
George: Mitchell. We don— Ow! Mitchell— What are you doing?
Mitchell barging out: Cheers!
Nina: Just give me a bloody kiss. Oh look. Forget about it.
George: Okay, but— He’s just ruined everything!
Nina: I know. Another night.

Nina: Sean Hancock. Diagnosed a year ago with malignant melanoma. Secondaries in the brain and lung. He’s on a morphine infusion and maintenance fluids but his condition’s deteriorating rapidly. We’re talking hours now.
George: Wait a sec. You’re doing this now? It’s a full moon, we’ve just moved into a new house. There’s enough going on without you crossing over to the afterlife.
Nina: We could be waiting weeks for another opportunity like this.
George: There could be consequences.
Mitchell: I don’t care about the consequences. She’s our friend and we lost her.
George: And I don’t want to lose you as well!

Mitchell: I’m doing this. I’ll take everything they’ve got. Death, God, the Devil. None of it frightens me.
George: Right. Well, I feel totally reassured.
Nina: Look, we all saw Annie on that screen in the cottage. We saw how terrified she is. And this is the only idea we’ve got.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Nina: But I want one of us in there with you.
Mitchell: What?
Nina: Death is a personal, private moment and we’re gate-crashing. I want that man treated with dignity and kindness.

Mitchell: What’s that you’re doing?
George: It’s a prayer. It’s Jewish.
Mitchell: Yeah. I’m not great with religious rituals.
George: Aw… Tough.
Mitchell: Is he even Jewish?
George: It doesn’t matter. His body’s let him down, medicine’s let him down. It’s a gesture of sympathy.
Mitchell: I’m trying to get in the zone here.
George: Yeah, may I refer to my earlier statement of: “Tough.” {he goes back to the prayer… briefly} I can’t remember the rest.

Mitchell: Five letters. Something-A-something-something-something. The clue is just the letters H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.
George: Mitchell! {he indicates the dying man.} The answer’s water. Yes, it’s the letters. H to O. H2O. It’s the molecular formula for water.
Mitchell: Get it!
George: Okay, give me another one.

Mitchell: Sean, isn’t it? Sean, you’ve been very ill. I’m so sorry, but I’m afraid you’ve just died.
Sean (Philip Brook): What happens now?
Mitchell: You’re going on a journey. No, it’s okay! It’s cool. I’m coming with you.
Sean: Are you… Death?

Mitchell: Okay, boys. Let’s get goin’. {he tries the Door.} Oh yeah. You need to get it. When you’re ready. Take your time.
George: Goodbye, Sean.

Sean: Is this it? Is it all over now?
Mitchell: Yeah. You did good, Sean. You can rest now. {he turns back to George} None of this is your fault. Anything that happened would have happened a lot sooner, and a lot worse, if I hadn’t have met you.
George: Just come back.

Mitchell: You’re my guide then?
Lia (Lacey Turner): Yes. What’s got two thumbs and just lucked out? Hello. No, I’ve always been lucky. You should rub me. I’m serious. Rub me.
Mitchell: Do you know who I am, Lia?
Lia: Well I know you’re a vampire. Can I say that, or are you funny about the word? ‘Cause I’ve got this cousin who’s in a wheelchair and I called him disabled once, he ran over my foot.
Mitchell: What else?
Lia: Just that you’re… really hot.
Mitchell: Have we met before?
Lia: H-twelve.
Mitchell: “H Twelve.” What does that mean?
Lia: It’s a riddle. I love riddles, don’t you? Like the one about the midget. So, there’s this midget who gets into a lift and— I’ve just given away the answer. Am I rambling?

Mitchell: So this is purgatory? I remember this.
Lia: Well strictly speaking, it’s your purgatory. You know we’ve all got a corridor filled with all the good things and the bad and … well, you’ve been busy.

Mitchell: So. We choose a door.
Lia: Do we?
Mitchell: I’m asking you.
Lia: Yes. It’s like a quiz show. And tonight’s star prize: someone’s soul. Frickin’ weird quiz show. {he picks a door.} After you. And just so you know, I will be looking at your ass.

Mitchell: Why are we here?
Lia: I don’t even know where here is.
Mitchell: France. July 17, 1917.
Lia: Who’s the guy?
Mitchell: Corporal Arthur Hanley.

Lia: Well we must be here for a reason. Maybe we’re meant to find a clue or something. Who was he? Mitchell! Tell me about the guy.
Mitchell: He was my first. I was recruited by the vampires about four weeks earlier. But I ran away. Found my regiment again. I didn’t want to believe what had happened to me. But then the hunger came. I’d steal from the medical supplies—a little bit everyday—when I had enough, I slipped it into his tea.

Lia: Where are you now?
Mitchell: Running away. That’s my captain. He thought I was deserting them, but I was running to find Herrick. I was one of them now.
Lia: How did it make you feel?
Mitchell: How do you think? I killed my friend. The shame of that. The horror knowing what I was now.
Lia: You know it’s funny, because most people would have walked into a minefield and found a way to end it all. But you didn’t. And I think that’s really brave. Sorry—why didn’t you do that?
Mitchell: I wasn’t going to let it win.
Lia: Quite right! I’m sure that’s what Arthur would have wanted. You running around with lots of girls and stuff for another century.

Lia: Arthur wasn’t the only victim, was he?
Mitchell: I don’t understand.
Lia: You! You numpty! You’re the other victim! You had your humanity ripped away from you.
Mitchell: Right. Yeah yeah yeah.
Lia: What did you think I meant?
Mitchell: Nothing. I knew what you meant.

Annie: There’s going to be a parade. They’ll scatter ashes in front of me like petals, they said.
Mitchell: Listen to me, I’m coming to get you. I swear I’m on my way.
Annie: Oh no. They’re coming! They’ve got drums. They’re cheering. I can hear children cheering.
Lia: Must be a concept album.

George: What are you doing? Why have you got a… chicken… on a string?

Bob (Kai Owen): Woah woah! Easy, soldier.
George: Ah, there was a young guy, ran through here.
Bob: No need to panic. Nothing happens until it gets dark. Now then. You gonna watch or play?
George: Sorry? Play? Play what?
Bob: See where the mood takes you. My sciatica’s back so I’m just going to watch Sue and Pete in the Volvo and touch myself.

Mitchell: Who are you? How do I know you?
Lia: H-Twelve.
Mitchell: Why do you keep saying that?
Lia: We better make tracks. {a train sounds in the distance.}

Lia: Where are we now?
Mitchell: Sheffield. December 24, 1960. This is ridiculous. We’re supposed to be finding Annie.
Lia: Well maybe she’s hiding. Yoo hoo! Annie!
Mitchell: Don’t go around there.
Lia sees the body: Oh. Guess you ran out of poison.

Lia: You know I’m a bit confused, with this soldier guy you’d just become a vampire so it was all new and overwhelming.
Mitchell: I was a victim.
Lia: Yes. You were a victim. We agreed on that. But this is different somehow. You screwed her, I’m guessing. Then what did you use to kill her? Oh my god, you used the pot of her little Christmas tree! So that’s what people mean when they say, “Christmas does my head in.”
Mitchell: I was out of control.
Lia: You were in control enough to have sex.

Lia: The soldier guy—
Mitchell: His name was Arthur.
Lia: Oh, sorry. Sorry! I should be a bit more respectful about the people you killed. There was stuff in his room you could have taken. Money. But you didn’t. It was all about the hunger.
Mitchell: What are you getting at?
Lia: Nothing. I just think it’s curious. With Arthur it was kind for him and torture for you. But with Sally there was drinks… there was sex…. Someone could look at this and think you enjoyed it.
Mitchell: Why are you bringing me to these places? To punish me, is that it?
Lia: You chose the door. Next time pick one where you’re building an orphanage on the other side.

Mitchell: Tell me where she is.
Lia: You know what to do.
Mitchell: What are you— ? Of course I don’t!
Lia: What happens next is your choice.

Vincent the Rhyming Vampire (Paul Kaye): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Are you all in for a maulin’? Do the children of the night, wanna see a fight? So shall I introduce you to tonight’s competant. Well there ain’t a lot I can tell you about our first noble warrior. On account of the fact we picked him up yesterday and he ain’t said a fucking word since! Silent, but violent type. We’re gonna welcome him into our bosom, aren’t we? Treat him like a member of the family. Our pet dog! He’s hairy, oh he’s scary! The mute, most hirsute. The canine destined for the big time! The creature who’s pleased to meet ya! Ladies and gentlemen, the beast.

George: Kill me.
Bob: What did you say?
George: It’s the only way you’ll survive.
Bob: I’m not killing you.
George: Kill me. Or I will tear your fucking head off.

Nina: Have you got someone in custody called George Sands?
Policeman (Rhys Matthews): Are you a friend of his?
Nina: As I said to the nine-year-old in reception, he’s a patient of mine. He has a serious medical condition and he needs constant supervision and medication. Did he, did he tell you that he’s got a medical condition?
Policeman: When we processed him he might have mentioned something.
Nina: And you still brought him in? You didn’t think to contact the hospital, or- or- ? Oh man, we’re gonna have fun with you.

George: I’m so sorry for all this.
Nina: I know. We could have had the house redecorated after all. I love you.
George: I love you too.

Lia: You don’t have to do this. You could go back to George and your old life and say you tried to get Annie back but it was impossible. They’ll understand. It was brave of you to even try.
Mitchell: No. I need to do this.
Lia: Okay then. End of the line.

Lia: I’ve got to say, I was kind of hurt that you didn’t recognize me. Given you remembered so much about the other two. Guess you were a bit preoccupied that night.
Mitchell: Yeah. I’m sorry.
Lia: What, I didn’t catch that.
Mitchell: I’m sorry.
Lia: Oh, you’re sorry.

Lia: Anyway, let me introduce you to the guys. Your twelve good men and true. Although there is twenty of us and nine are women but I’ll crack on. So this is Donna. She was a primary school teacher. You know all the kids in her class have been having nightmares since you killed her. Some have even needed counseling. Funny, isn’t it? The ripples of your actions. And that’s Glenn. The driver, your first victim. Remember him? Five kids! Can you believe it? And that’s Mary. She’d just recovered from breast cancer. She was given a whole new lease of life, she was. Until you tore her throat out, obviously. And next to her is Dean—
Mitchell: Please. Please stop. I don’t know what I can say.
Lia: Don’t say anything. Because every word that comes out of your mouth is a fucking excuse. It’s misdirection.
Mitchell: I’m not trying to trick you.
Lia: Not us. You’re lying to yourself.
Mitchell: But I’m trying to change.
Lia: How’s that working out for you?

Mitchell: You know, it wasn’t just me anyway. It was Daisy.
Lia: Ah, you’re doing it again. I was twenty-two. I had a peanut allergy. I wanted to be a vet. I had a little brother that I love more than anything in the world. Those are the things that make a human being! Do you taste them in our blood? The arrogance to call yourself the victim. How dare you insult us like that!

Lia: You want forgiveness every day. You get a smile from me and it proves you’re not completely evil. You do a thousand small nice things and you put them against the bad. You actually do the sums in your head, don’t you? Why did you come here? For Annie or for you?
Mitchell: For Annie.
Lia: Crossing into to purgatory. That’s a big deposit in the Good account.
Mitchell: No! I just want Annie back.
Lia: Which one of us does that wipe off the slate? Donna? Glenn? Me?

Mitchell: I’m not—
Lia: You’re not what?
Mitchell: I’m not a victim.
Lia: So you’re what? What? Misunderstood?!
Mitchell: I’m an animal! I don’t deserve mercy or forgiveness! I’m a murderer. I couldn’t help myself. I loved it. The sensation. The power. I was dead but I never felt so alive. I wasn’t human anymore. I lost my conscience. I was free. And that’s what I was addicted to. I hacked my way through the world. I left a trail of blood a thousand miles long. And I loved it. I’m a disease. I’m a plague. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Lia: Budge up. {he scoots over} You can have Annie back. But there’s a price.
Mitchell: I’ll stay. I want you to take me to all my victims. I want to feel it. I want to suffer. I don’t want to hide anymore. I just want her back.
Lia: It’s not that simple. The time and cause of your death have already been set. But there are things that need to happen first. You see, you’re the final piece in someone else’s story. And they need to complete their journey and in order to do that… they have to kill you.
Mitchell: What?
Lia: You’re gonna be killed by a werewolf. A wolf-shaped bullet. Bang!
Mitchell: Who?

Lia: We’ll see you soon, Mitchell.
Mitchell: You’re letting me go?
Lia: Well, as punishments go it’s pretty cruel and interesting. Isn’t it?

Lia: Annie, isn’t it? I’m Lia. Sorry about all this palaver. It’s been chaos here. Lots of people turning up early. Everyone’s in a bit of a tizz.
Annie: You’re going to take me to the room now.
Lia: Oh, the train station! Oh, sorry. This was for my three o’clock. No, you’re free to go.
Annie: I can go, really?
Lia: Yeah. You will still be dead. I should make that clear. Your body… well. It’s been over two years. No one really wants to see that.

Annie: And, um, will I come back here one day?
Lia: Well. We all end up here eventually. The problem with you was you came through the wrong door. But next time you’ll come through the right one and it’ll be Boggle and pina coladas 24-7. Spit spot! Mitchell’s waiting. Is anything going on between you guys? I mean he came to purgatory to find you. Puts my ex-boyfriend’s tattoo into perspective.
Annie: Just friends.
Lia: You’d be so adorable, you two. I could eat you up.
Annie: I’m dead.
Lia: So’s he. I think it’s meant to happen. I think it’s… fate.

Annie: What happened to you, Lia?
Lia: A very bad thing. It’s okay. We play the long game here.

Annie: You saved me.
Mitchell: You saved me too.
Annie: What happened? Did you— Was there like, I don’t know, some kind of trade off?
Mitchell: Nothing. There was nothing. Mind games, that’s all. I don’t believe a word of it.

Annie: Where are we? This isn’t Bristol.
Mitchell: No. That’s the, uh, the other thing. We sort of moved to Wales.
Annie: Wales!
Mitchell: Yeah. Barry Island.
Annie: I wanna go back.
Mitchell: To Bristol?
Annie: No. To purgatory.

Annie: My name is Annie Clare Sawyer. And two years ago I died. But in so many ways that’s when my life began. In the company of horrors, I learned about friendship and loyalty, sacrifice and courage. Humanity isn’t a species. It’s a state of mind. It can’t be defeated. It moves mountains, it saves souls. We were blessed as much as we were cursed. In this little enclave of the lost, I witnessed the very best of being human. We were safe here. While outside, the monsters prowled.

McNair: My name is McNair.
Vincent: McNair. McNair the Bear would be a good name if you were a bear, but you’re not, you’re a dog! You’re my dog. My mad dog. Mad Dog McNair. Oy, is your name Mad Dog McNair?
McNair: No, you misunderstand. You see I told you my name. Because I want it to be the last thing you ever hear. {Tom stakes Vincent}
Vincent: Stake and chips, anyone?

McNair: How did you know I was here?
Tom: Spidey Sense, Dad. Wasn’t your fault.
McNair: Come on. There’s more coming. Tom.
Tom: Dad. I saw another one. There’s another one of us.