Being Human Series 5

The Trinity


Claire Cage  Colin Hoult  Jeremy Swift  Madeleine Harris  Non Haf  Phil Davis  Steven Robertson  Toby Whithouse  Victoria Ross  Wayne Cater

Northern France, 1918

Hal Yorke (Damien Molony): I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist a chance to kill me.
Lady Catherine (Victoria Ross): I’m surprised there wasn’t a queue.

Hal: This civil war between our clans has been raging for seven years. In fact, I believe it is what triggered the current war in the human world. Obviously there’s nothing we enjoy more than a good rough-and-tumble. But we have reason to believe we’re being manipulated. Someone else—something else—is fanning the flames of this conflict. So the same thought has occurred to you too.
Lady Catherine: But who? Who could do that?
Hal: Lady Catherine, we are not at war with each other. We are at war with the Devil.

Hal: This isn’t about rehabilitation anymore, this is vindictive.
Tom McNair (Michael Socha): You stay in the chair until you’re over the blood lust. {feeding him} Come on, it’ll make you big and strong.
Hal: I don’t mean the chair. I implore you. Put a screen in front of me, give me a blindfold. No one should have to look at this.

Tom: When you go, let me know if you’d like me to accompany ya. There’s some weird people out there.
Alex Millar (Kate Bracken): Says the werewolf spoonfeeding mashed banana to the vampire.

Hal: Please! This is torture.
Alex: If we wanted to torture you we would show you a picture of the bathroom.

Tom: What do you reckon, is he safe?
Alex: Well a few days ago he stopped shouting abuse and started correcting my grammar again, so… I guess that’s got to be a good sign.

Tom: If you’re still dangerous, say so now.
Hal: What?
Tom: I mean it, Hal. We can wait some more. Don’t let me do this if you’re still a risk.
Hal: There must be structure.
Tom: First off, you steer clear of vampires. They’re a bad influence. That goes for all of us. No more supernatural nonsense.
Hal: Agreed.
Alex: And if you drink blood again, then–
Hal: You’ll kill me.
Alex: I was thinking more along the lines of a fine.
Hal: Drinking blood means I have become the man I fear. Drinking blood is the overture to a greater catastrophe.
Tom: You need to swear on summat. On the memory of Eve.
Hal: On the memory of Eve.
Tom: Right then!

Hetty (Madeleine Harris): Okay, dicksplash. For the last time, I’m not planning anything. Don’t get me wrong. I could pull your kidneys out through your nostrils. If I wanted. But lucky for you, I’m getting way too old for this shit.
Mr. Rook (Steven Robertson): Hetty. You’re the last of the Old Ones. Of course you’re planning something. Malevolence and greed are hard-wired into your DNA.
Hetty: Yeah? And your mum’s so fat her blood type’s Ragu. Besides, who says I’m the last one?
Mr. Rook: What?
Hetty: Can I smoke in here?
Mr. Rook: Hetty.
Hetty: There’s another Old One. In fact, it’s ‘cos of him our whole “world domination” thing went tits-up.
Mr. Rook: Who?
Hetty: Hal. A human sympathizer. He was always kinda skittish.

Hal: I’ve split the domestic duties into three subgroups. Tom, Alex and I.
Alex: Why is there one for me? I’ll be passing over soon.
Hal: Yes, but until then you’re part of this household.

Tom: How are you going to complete your business and pass over?
Alex: Find my body somehow and get it to my family I guess. So they can all grieve and stuff.
Tom: Well didn’t them blokes take it?
Alex: Yeah, so we just find out who they are and then go to the papers or something.
Hal: Well that’s obviously out of the question.
Alex: Why?
Hal: We cannot risk werewolves and vampires and ghosts being revealed to the world. The consequences could be catastrophic.

Alex: You of all people don’t get to dictate what we tell my dad and brothers.
Hal: What does that mean? Me of all people?
Alex: I’m not letting a good man die of grief just to protect the fucking Twilight franchise.
Hal: We can discuss it later.
Alex: You can discuss it later. With yourself.
Hal: That doesn’t even make sense!

Martin (Wayne Cater): Your position’s up for review. I’m shaking up the whole floor. Separating the wheat from the boys. Bringing new blood in like… well I don’t know. Gavin.
Crumb (Colin Hoult): What, your nephew Gavin?
Martin: Is he my nephew? Well he’s a smart lad.
Crumb: In my Christmas quiz he said alopecia was a mountain!
Martin: So he doesn’t know much about plants. Big deal.

Hal about the sign: People on board a ship that’s capsizing don’t use that many exclamation marks.

Tom: I’ve always wanted to work in a hotel. Ever since me and dad snuck into the Bristol Hilton was I was 14. We were hunting a vampire called Radley.
Hal: Radley? I know Radley. Big ginger fellow.
Tom: Yeah.
Hal: How was he?
Tom: Yeah good until we killed him obviously.

Rook: When you talk to other vampires—as even you must from time to time—how do you account for your continued anonymity? Luck? Skill? Or humanity’s stupidity?
Hal: I know you. The basement of that nightclub a month or so ago. You took my friend’s body. Who are you?
Rook: My name is Dominic Rook. My job is to maintain the illusion that man is alone. And it has been the job of people like me for hundreds of years.
Hal: By telling me all this aren’t you rather missing the point of a clandestine organization?
Rook: I have a proposition for you. You are a rare creature, Hal. A human sympathizer with an eminent position in vampire society. It gives us an opportunity. If you were to take charge of the vampires, we could strike an accord between our two worlds.
Hal: Me? No, that… I can’t do that.
Rook: In exchange for a cessation of chaos and violence, we will provide you with per diems, premises, and the means to acquire blood consensually.
Hal: I… I don’t need blood anymore. I’ve been dry for over sixty years.
Rook: You’re sweating, Hal. Your hands are shaking.

Hal: What happened to my friend’s body?
Rook: Offhand I don’t recall. Some are returned to their families with an appropriate cover story. Others we let the families create their own narratives. But if you were to help me I’m sure I could find—
Hal: No, I… No, that’s… Look I can’t return to that world.
Rook: I’ve seen vampires try to live a human life before. It always ends in tears.

Rook: Incidentally we’re been monitoring this place. Thirty-seven people have committed suicide here in as many years. As far as we can tell it’s not werewolf- or vampire-related. But, if you get the job, keep an eye out. Perhaps it’s the decor.

Rook: The Old Ones are gone, Hal. The remaining vampires are rudderless and volatile. We can mold them into any shape we wish.
Hal: Trust me. You don’t want to see a world where I’m leading the vampires.

Tom: I’m sorry again about the crying.
Patsy (Claire Cage): Yeah. No worries.

Hal: Okay, can we all just remind ourselves, I didn’t kill you. We’ve indulged this myth long enough.
Alex: Right. Well, a) you of all people do not get to say when my death is old news. And, b) I never actually said—
Hal: —Me of all people.
Alex: —you killed me.
Hal: —You’re doing it again.
Alex: I mean you weren’t exactly an innocent bystander to it all either, were you? When you asked me out on that date, you knew exactly what kind of world you were bringing me into. You shouldn’t be wearing suits and talking to girls and being charming. You should have a fucking sign ’round your neck and a bell! You should be living in a cave! {Hal walks off}
Tom: What the hell happened there then?

Lady Catherine: If this is a trick I shall plunge this into your calcified heart.
Hal: And you wonder why you’re single.

Hal: Lady Catherine, head of the werewolves. Emil Parsons, dead wizard.
Emil (Jeremy Swift): Necromancer. I was master of the black arts. Sorcerer supreme. Gatekeeper to the forbidden world.
Lady Catherine: How did you die?
Emil: I had to be silenced. I knew too much.
Hal: He fell out of a tree trying to see into his sister-in-law’s bathroom.

Tom: What are you lot doing down here?
Alex: Hal’s building a sauna.
Tom: A sauna? Here? That’s ridiculous.
Hal: Excuse me, weren’t you planning on putting a swimming pool in the garden?
Tom: I said that cos we’d only just met. And you know as well as I do I was really making a bomb.
Hal: Fine. I’m making a bomb.
Tom: Thank you. It’s the lying that hurts.

Hal: My name is Hal. It’s Ian, isn’t it? I’m sorry, I looked through your wallet. Ian… ?
Crumb: Cram. Like the runner.
Hal: What runner?
Crumb: Steve Cram. He was awarded an MBE in 1986.
Hal: I did not know that.

Crumb: I feel weird. Have you drugged me? I’m allergic to aspirin. If you’ve given me aspirin then it’s actually murder.
Hal: I haven’t drugged you. Your body is going through an extraordinary transformation. One I went through many years ago. You feel nauseous because your blood pressure has dropped. Your heart rate is about one beat per minute now. But you won’t die. Because your healing process has got spectacularly fast.
Crumb: I’m thirsty.
Hal: Yes, but you don’t want water. All you’ve been able to think about since you awoke is one word. But you don’t know why. If I told you there was some underneath this floor, you’d dig through the concrete with your fingers. Accept it, and I can help you. But you have to say it.
Crumb: I don’t know what you mean.

Crumb: What have you done to me?
Hal: You’re a vampire. I made you into a vampire and I’m so sorry.
Crumb: A vampire.

Crumb: It’s a trick.
Hal: It’s not a trick. Vampires were born out of a pact with the Devil. He gets our souls and to remind us he takes our reflections. We call it Old Nick’s Wink.
Crumb: I don’t believe in the Devil.
Hal: I’m not sure I did until I met him.

Alex: Can you please stop treating me like I’m made of glass or cobwebs or something. All right, I’m dead. My health and wellbeing has pretty much bottomed out.
Tom: So what am I supposed to do?
Alex: I don’t know, just treat me like an equal. Treat me like a bloke.
Tom: But you’re a lady. And my dad taught me how to treat ladies. Always be polite and courteous. If a lady came in the room you stood up and took off any hats, and if it was a vampire, you staked ’em.
Alex: And I’m sure that growing up in the paramilitary wing of the Amish had many pluses, but I find it patronizing.

Alistair Frith (Toby Whithouse): Um, there’s no easy way to say this so I’ll be blunt. Your department is to be dissolved, its responsibilities handed to Special Branch.
Rook: But… But you can’t. Our work is essential.
Frith: Your work is clandestine, unregulated, and eye-wateringly expensive.

Alex: I drowned according to this. Walking along the canal bank, I slipped and fell, no sign of struggle or trauma. Just a random, stupid accident. {reading} I was buried. Christ! Three weeks ago. “In a private service attended by family and friends. Alex’s father Brendan said, ‘Alex was beautiful in every sense. We will never forget her strength, kindness and determination. She lit up our lives and we will miss her so much.'” They’ve started getting better without me. I thought that I would take my body back to them and all this would end. But it’s already happened, and they’re talking about me in the past tense and I’m still here.
Tom: You’ve got us.
Alex: I don’t want you!

Tom: Most parents are worried about messing their kids up. I’m worried about eating mine.
Alex: Oh, this world sucks. Even with superpowers.
Tom: I’m sorry if the way I speak to you is annoying. It’s just what my dad would expect me to do. And that keeps him alive in my mind. Makes me feel safe.
Alex: You’re an excellent person, Thomas. I just need to remember that.

Hal: Remind me, what will this do?
Emil: I shall summon the Devil by telling him that the vampire and werewolf armies are battling here. He’ll come to warm his hands on the fire of your conflict.

Hal: But he’s a predator! He’s only been a vampire for about seventeen hours.
Alex: How was I supposed to know?
Hal: I should have left a clue. Like, I don’t know, locking him in a cellar and tying him to a fucking radiator!

Hal: Evil doesn’t die. It just passes like a parcel, from year to year, body to body. But I survive. I live on while good people die around me. Heroes die. Grab your coat, Ian. We’re leaving.
Tom: Don’t! Stand down, it’s all right.
Hal: What are you doing?
Alex: Oh, something we’re going to regret.
Hal: Don’t you see? I’m his future and he’s mine.
Alex: So you need something to stay good for. We’re giving it to you.

Captain Hatch (Phil Davis): Another dirty race is the Mexicans. Are there any in the kitchen? They spit in the food, you know. It’s like Clarkson says.

Sophie (Non Haf): I’m so sorry Captain, if you’ll just take your cardigan off I can, um—
Captain Hatch: Oh, these things happen. And just to show there’s no hard feelings I’d like to share a secret with you. Come closer, I’ll whisper it. I’ll whisper it. It’ll tickle you. {he whispers in her ear}

Rook: I liked that pen.

Rook: Well Mr. Cram, someone certainly hit the ground running.
Crumb: It’s Crumb.
Rook: I’m sorry?
Crumb: That’s what they used to call me. I like it now. The Crumb that choked the world. It’s rather clever isn’t it?

Hal: What about your unfinished business?
Alex: Must be something else. I just hope it’s not blowing up any babies. {she laughs} Too soon?
Hal: A little.
Alex: Okay. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, like it or not, this is my world now.
Tom: Welcome!
Hal: Welcome?
Tom: I panicked.
Hal: What Tom is trying to say is, it’s a world in which we’ve spend the majority of our lives. As you explore it, we’ll be by your side.

Patsy: Everything all right, Captain? Where’s Sophie?
Hatch: I’m not sure. I think she had some news and decided to slip away.
Patsy: What on Earth? I’m sorry, Captain.
Hatch: Oh you carry on, my love. I’m fine. In fact I haven’t felt this good for years.