Being Human Other Characters

Series 5


The Trinity

Northern France, 1918

Hal Yorke (Damien Molony): I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist a chance to kill me.
Lady Catherine (Victoria Ross): I’m surprised there wasn’t a queue.

Hal: This civil war between our clans has been raging for seven years. In fact, I believe it is what triggered the current war in the human world. Obviously there’s nothing we enjoy more than a good rough-and-tumble. But we have reason to believe we’re being manipulated. Someone else–something else–is fanning the flames of this conflict. So the same thought has occurred to you too.
Lady Catherine: But who? Who could do that?
Hal: Lady Catherine, we are not at war with each other. We are at war with the Devil.

Hetty (Madeleine Harris): Okay, dicksplash. For the last time, I’m not planning anything. Don’t get me wrong. I could pull your kidneys out through your nostrils. If I wanted. But lucky for you, I’m getting way too old for this shit.
Mr. Rook (Steven Robertson): Hetty. You’re the last of the Old Ones. Of course you’re planning something. Malevolence and greed are hard-wired into your DNA.
Hetty: Yeah? And your mum’s so fat her blood type’s Ragu. Besides, who says I’m the last one?
Mr. Rook: What?
Hetty: Can I smoke in here?
Mr. Rook: Hetty.
Hetty: There’s another Old One. In fact, it’s ‘cos of him our whole “world domination” thing went tits-up.
Mr. Rook: Who?
Hetty: Hal. A human
sympathizer. He was always kinda skittish.

Martin (Wayne Cater): Your position’s up for review. I’m shaking up the whole floor. Separating the wheat from the boys. Bringing new blood in like… well I don’t know. Gavin.
Crumb (Colin Hoult): What, your nephew Gavin?
Martin: Is he my nephew? Well he’s a smart lad.
Crumb: In my Christmas quiz he said alopecia was a mountain!
Martin: So he doesn’t know much about plants. Big deal.

Rook: When you talk to other vampires–as even you must from time to time–how do you account for your continued anonymity? Luck? Skill? Or humanity’s stupidity?
Hal: I know you. The basement of that nightclub a month or so ago. You took my friend’s body. Who are you?
Rook: My name is Dominic Rook. My job is to maintain the illusion that man is alone. And it has been the job of people like me for hundreds of years.
Hal: By telling me all this aren’t you rather missing the point of a clandestine organization?
Rook: I have a proposition for you. You are a rare creature, Hal. A human sympathizer with an eminent position in vampire society. It gives us an opportunity. If you were to take charge of the vampires, we could strike an accord between our two worlds.
Hal: Me? No, that… I can’t do that.
Rook: In exchange for a cessation of chaos and violence, we will provide you with per diems, premises, and the means to acquire blood consensually.
Hal: I… I don’t need blood anymore. I’ve been dry for over sixty years.
Rook: You’re sweating, Hal. Your hands are shaking.

Hal: What happened to my friend’s body?
Rook: Offhand I don’t recall. Some are returned to their families with an appropriate cover story. Others we let the families create their own narratives. But if you were to help me I’m sure I could find–
Hal: No, I… No, that’s… Look I can’t return to that world.
Rook: I’ve seen vampires try to live a human life before. It always ends in tears.

Rook: Incidentally we’ve been monitoring this place. Thirty-seven people have committed suicide here in as many years. As far as we can tell it’s not werewolf- or vampire-related. But, if you get the job, keep an eye out. Perhaps it’s the decor.

Rook: The Old Ones are gone, Hal. The remaining vampires are rudderless and volatile. We can mold them into any shape we wish.
Hal: Trust me. You don’t want to see a world where I’m leading the vampires.

Tom: I’m sorry again about the crying.
Patsy (Claire Cage): Yeah. No worries.

Lady Catherine: If this is a trick I shall plunge this into your calcified heart.
Hal: And you wonder why you’re single.

Hal: Lady Catherine, head of the werewolves. Emil Parsons, dead wizard.
Emil (Jeremy Swift): Necromancer. I was master of the black arts. Sorcerer supreme. Gatekeeper to the forbidden world.
Lady Catherine: How did you die?
Emil: I had to be silenced. I knew too much.
Hal: He fell out of a tree trying to see into his sister-in-law’s bathroom.

Hal: My name is Hal. It’s Ian, isn’t it? I’m sorry, I looked through your wallet. Ian… ?
Crumb: Cram. Like the runner.
Hal: What runner?
Crumb: Steve Cram. He was awarded an MBE in 1986.
Hal: I did not know that.

Crumb: I feel weird. Have you drugged me? I’m allergic to aspirin. If you’ve given me aspirin then it’s actually murder.
Hal: I haven’t drugged you. Your body is going through an extraordinary transformation. One I went through many years ago. You feel nauseous because your blood pressure has dropped. Your heart rate is about one beat per minute now. But you won’t die. Because you healing process has got spectacularly fast.
Crumb: I’m thirsty.
Hal: Yes, but you don’t want water. All you’ve been able to think about since you awoke is one word. But you don’t know why. If I told you there was some underneath this floor, you’d dig through the concrete with your fingers. Accept it, and I can help you. But you have to say it.
Crumb: I don’t know what you mean.

Crumb: What have you done to me?
Hal: You’re a vampire. I made you into a vampire and I’m so sorry.
Crumb: A vampire.

Crumb: It’s a trick.
Hal: It’s not a trick. Vampires were born out of a pact with the Devil. He gets our souls and to remind us he takes our reflections. We call it Old Nick’s Wink.
Crumb: I don’t believe in the Devil.
Hal: I’m not sure I did until I met him.

Alistair Frith (Toby Whithouse): Um, there’s no easy way to say this so I’ll be blunt. Your department is to be dissolved, its responsibilities handed to Special Branch.
Rook: But… But you can’t. Our work is essential.
Frith: Your work is clandestine, unregulated, and eye-wateringly expensive.

Hal: Remind me, what will this do?
Emil: I shall summon the Devil by telling him that the vampire and werewolf armies are battling here. He’ll come to warm his hands on the fire of your conflict.

Captain Hatch (Phil Davis): Another dirty race is the Mexicans. Are there any in the kitchen? They spit in the food, you know. It’s like Clarkson says.

Sophie (Non Haf): I’m so sorry Captain, if you’ll just take your cardigan off I can, um–
Captain Hatch: Oh, these things happen. And just to show there’s no hard feelings I’d like to share a secret with you. Come closer, I’ll whisper it. I’ll whisper it. It’ll tickle you. {he whispers in her ear}

Rook: I liked that pen.

Rook: Well Mr. Cram, someone certainly hit the ground running.
Crumb: It’s Crumb.
Rook: I’m sorry?
Crumb: That’s what they used to call me. I like it now. The Crumb that choked the world. It’s rather clever isn’t it?

Patsy: Everything all right, Captain? Where’s Sophie?
Hatch: I’m not sure. I think she had some news and decided to slip away.
Patsy: What on Earth? I’m sorry, Captain.
Hatch: Oh you carry on, my love. I’m fine. In fact I haven’t felt this good for years.

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Sticks and Rope

three months earlier

Deckey (Daniel Kerr): Why are you in such a hurry? This place is friggin’ mint.
Alex: I told ya. I’m meeting someone.
Deckey: Ah. So that’s why you’re dressed like a girl. You know Ryan says this fella must be a right munter.
Alex: Well
actually, he’s dead handsome, has all his own teeth, and speaks really nicely. Whereas Ryan’s last girlfriend looks like Chris Moyles.
: But hang on, if you’re going out tonight who’s going to make us dinner and do the washing up?
Alex: I just want one night to myself, all right? It’s my holiday too. Right let’s go, Deckey.
Deckey: Oh just one go, please?
Alex: We’ll come back tomorrow. Okay? We’ve got loads of time.
Deckey: Promise?
Alex: Cross my heart and hope to die.

Patsy: Now I know we’ve all been down in the dumps lately what with things getting a bit… suicide-y. But one of the guests has given me the perfect idea to perk us up. As of today, I’m going to be watching you all like a hawk, and whoever impresses me most… {she trails off as she sees Hal}
Hal: You do realize you’ve stopped speaking.
Patsy: Will be named employee of the month!

Alex: How do you know my name?
Oliver: Because I’ve been watching you.
Alex: All right good. ‘Cos I thought it’d be something creepy.
Oliver (Ben Greaves-Neal): And hiding outside are Hal and Tom. The vampire and the werewolf. {they come in} Hello!
Alex: And you are?
Oliver: Oliver Fitzwilliam Pryor, at your service.
Alex: And what are you doing here?
Oliver: Playing soldiers, you great ninny.

Hal: Hiding? From what?
Oliver: From the monster of course. The Men with Sticks and Rope.
Tom: Men with what and what?
Oliver: Sticks and rope, McNair. Guardians of the afterlife. Ghastly things.
Hal: But they can’t cross over to this plane. They only exist on the other side of the doors.
Oliver: I thought it best to keep a low profile nonetheless.

Oliver: What did happen to your hair by the way? Some sort of industrial accident?

Alex: So what do you want to do then? Play some football? Climb some trees?
Oliver: What kind of low-born ruffian do you take me for?
Alex: TV it is.

Patsy: Nice of you to pop by. Nice of you to join us.
Hal: Uh, sorry Patsy. We were called away to deal with a domestic emergency.
Patsy: No, Hal, I see what you’re doing. It’s very noble of you to try and take the bullet, but I’ve got the smoking gun. I saw him on the security cam, sauntering up, bold as brass. On his own. Not good enough, Thomas. You need to pull your socks up. {she leaves}
Hal: Oh come on, that’s funny. You’ve got to admit. Tom!

Oliver: All right, who’s first? Eeny-meeny, miney-mo, catch a ni-
Everyone: NO!

Oliver: Never have I met a less ladylike lady. You can’t dance, you can’t conjugate Latin verbs. And your madrigal singing is subpar at best!
Alex: Right. That’s it. Naughty step for you.

Crumb: So what’s the mission? What’s the SP?
Rook: That’s for you to decide. It’s all about instinct. Reading the room, gauging the situation. Making a judgment call.
Crumb: Making a situation. Reading the instincts. I getcha! I getcha!

Rook: We don’t really do badges. I mean it’s undercover work and a badge would rather give the game away.
Crumb: That makes total sense! You’re smart. You’re very smart.
Rook: Instead. You get this pen. This very special pen.
Crumb: Does it shoot poison gas? Or pellets? or poison gas pellets?
Rook: No.
It’s essentially a pen.

Alan (Hamza Jeetooa): Sorry, I need to speak to you.
Rook: For god’s sake, Alan, what is it?!
Alan: She’s brought her daughter.

Alex: What in the name of Little Baby Cheeses are you doing?
Oliver: It’s part of my routine. Just because one is dead doesn’t mean one shouldn’t let standards drop.

Oliver: Why all these questions?
Alex: I just want to get to know you. How you lived. How you died…
Oliver: How I died?
Alex: Oh, great idea. Let’s start with that one. So how did you die?
Oliver: That’s a very personal question.
Alex: You said that you were hiding from The Men with Sticks and Rope. What do they want with you?
Oliver: They want every ghost, who hasn’t passed over properly.
Alex: They’ve not come looking for me. So you must be special. So why is that then?
Oliver: If I tell you, you’ll hate me. {the room goes haywire}
Alex: Of course I’m not going to hate you. What is it? What are you hiding? Oliver!
Oliver: I did a terrible thing. I killed my brother.

Alex: What happened to Albert, Oliver, wasn’t your fault. Just as what happened to me wasn’t mine.
Oliver: Do you really believe that?
Alex: Neither of us asked for this. We have both had to pay the biggest price imaginable for things that, for things that we can’t even control. But what’s done is done and we have to look forward now. Or else eternity’s going to seem like a very long time.

Rook: After everything I’ve done… after all I’ve sacrificed!
Frith: Oh for gods sake, grow up. You think you’re the only one losing funding? Losing a job? I have to oversee this, I have to implement it. And if I don’t, I lose my job. And that, my friend, is not an option.

Hal: Wasn’t Rook supposed to be taking care of you?
Crumb: Yeah, yeah no. Yeah, that I was but that’s sort of finished now. I got a bit confused and I did some really bad things! And now I feel like I’m on the verge, not just of doing more bad things but of not caring. And the last bit of me, the last crumb of Crumb, he wants you to stop it. To save him.
Hal: Listen to me, listen to me. You stay away, because I will kill you. you are nothing to me now. You are sediment, you are detritus, you are regret and disgust. Nothing more. So stay away! I have killed men and women and children, so just think how easy it will be to kill you.
Crumb: Well that’s something we have in common then.
Hal: You stay away! No more warnings!

Oliver: Should we pop in? Surprise them?
Alex: They’re working, they’ll be really grumpy. Yeah, come on.

Alex: Boo!
Oliver: Did we scare you?
Alex: What’s wrong with him?
Hal: Nothing a silver bullet wouldn’t cure.

Captain Hatch grabbing Oliver: Get her back to the house!
Oliver: Alex, I want to go home.
Alex: Yeah, good call. We’ll see you guys back at the house.

Oliver: There’s something I need to tell you. About why I’m here.
Alex: What is it?
Oliver: I’m sorry Alex.

Alex: What’s going on?
Oliver: We need to get out of here. What’s wrong?
Alex: I can’t rent-a-ghost. Right, it’s okay. We’re just going to have to do this the old-fashioned way, all right?

Oliver: This isn’t fair! I didn’t agree to this!

Albert: I just want to play. Please Oliver. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Why do you keep running away from me?
Alex: Open the door.
Oliver: What?
Alex: Oliver, you can’t keep hiding. You have to talk to him. You have to face him.

Oliver: I didn’t make it happen?
Alex: I think that’s what Albert’s been trying to tell you all this time. I think that’s why he’s been looking for you. Come on. Open the door.

Oliver: I’m sorry, Albert. I’m so sorry.
Alex: Go with him. It’s okay.
Oliver: Thank you..

Leader (Martin Hancock): Give him to us.
Alex: Not gonna happen.
Leader: One of you is coming with us.
Alex: Well take me.
Leader: You would take his place in Hell?
Alex: He’s just a kid!
Oliver: Alex.
Alex: No. No. I promised you that I would look after you, okay? This is just what big sisters do. Right. Now when Hal and Tom get back tell them exactly what happened. Tell them that this was my choice, okay? Have you got that? Okay. Let’s do this.
Oliver: No. This is what they wanted. It was a trap. The whole thing was a trap. That’s why they sent me here!

Leader: So. You want to play with us, little girl.
Alex: Oliver… somebody needs you.
Oliver: I can’t just leave you!
Alex: Oliver, just go.

Alex: How you going to get back, eh? How long do you think you can survive in this world? Not long I reckon. Slash hope. Okay, any time you want to start bursting into flames or whatever you do, just… feel free.
Leader: You’re too late. The end has begun. night will fall. And he will rise.

Patsy: He may look like someone’s pulled a monkey from a tree and shaved it, but that’s how he pulls people in to his theater of lies.
Hal: You’ve met Tom, haven’t you? I mean you’ve spoken to him.

Patsy: This whole experience has been incredibly stressful so if you wanted to, to give me a back rub that would be fine.

Alan: Mr. Crumb.
Crumb: Sent you to find me, did he?
Alan: No. I’m not part of that world anymore.
Crumb: I’d run along if I were you. I haven’t had my tea.
Alan: That’s why I wanted to see you, Mr. Crumb. My work with the department has compromised me. I’ve got very little humanity left to lose now. I want you to recruit me.

Captain Hatch: You made the right decision. It’s gonna be all hands on deck, because um… come here sweetheart. Your blood pressure’s about to go through the roof. But that’s modern living for you. The stress.

Captain Hatch: Best part of a century I’ve waited for this. Stuck in this chair. In this body. And now here they are. A vampire and a werewolf, under the same roof. It’s as if someone smuggled in a file in a cake. And all I have to do is stir them up a bit, and wait for the power to rise and carry me out of here on a great wave. Trinity though. Don’t like that. The ghost will have to go. I’ll think of something. I’m getting stronger every day. And when the time is right I will rise. And then I’m going to drain the world dry. I’m going to laugh up every drop of hope and love and feel it run down my chin. I’m going to turn men into beasts and ruin their women and spit poison into their children. I’m going to scorch the earth with proper Old Testament despair and teach them that the gods are there to be feared and everything you love will die and everything you’re scared of will come true.

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Pie and Prejudice


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The Greater Good


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No Care, All Responsibility


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The Last Broadcast


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