Being Human Hal Yorke

Series 5


Damien Molony

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The Trinity

Northern France, 1918

Hal Yorke (Damien Molony): I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist a chance to kill me.
Lady Catherine (Victoria Ross): I’m surprised there wasn’t a queue.

Hal: This civil war between our clans has been raging for seven years. In fact, I believe it is what triggered the current war in the human world. Obviously there’s nothing we enjoy more than a good rough-and-tumble. But we have reason to believe we’re being manipulated. Someone else–something else–is fanning the flames of this conflict. So the same thought has occurred to you too.
Lady Catherine: But who? Who could do that?
Hal: Lady Catherine, we are not at war with each other. We are at war with the Devil.

Hal: This isn’t about rehabilitation anymore, this is vindictive.
Tom McNair (Michael Socha): You stay in the chair until you’re over the blood lust. {feeding him} Come on, it’ll make you big and strong.
Hal: I don’t mean the chair. I implore you. Put a screen in front of me, give me a blindfold. No one should have to look at this.

Hal: Please! This is torture.
Alex: If we wanted to torture you we would show you a picture of the bathroom.

Tom: If you’re still dangerous, say so now.
Hal: What?
Tom: I mean it, Hal. We can wait some more. Don’t let me do this if you’re still a risk.
Hal: There must be structure.
Tom: First off, you steer clear of vampires. They’re a bad influence. That goes for all of us. No more supernatural nonsense.
Hal: Agreed.
Alex: And if you drink blood again, then–
Hal: You’ll kill me.
Alex: I was thinking more along the lines of a fine.
Hal: Drinking blood means I have become the man I fear. Drinking blood is the overture to a greater catastrophe.
Tom: You need to swear on summat. On the memory of Eve.
Hal: On the memory of Eve.
Tom: Right then!

Hal: I’ve split the domestic duties into three subgroups. Tom, Alex and I.
Alex: Why is there one for me? I’ll be passing over soon.
Hal: Yes, but until then you’re part of this household.

Tom: How are you going to complete your business and pass over?
Alex: Find my body somehow and get it to my family I guess. So they can all grieve and stuff.
Tom: Well didn’t them blokes take it?
Alex: Yeah, so we just find out who they are and then go to the papers or something.
Hal: Well that’s obviously out of the question.
Alex: Why?
Hal: We cannot risk werewolves and vampires and ghosts being revealed to the world. The consequences could be catastrophic.

Alex: You of all people don’t get to dictate what we tell my dad and brothers.
Hal: What does that mean? Me of all people?
Alex: I’m not letting a good man die of grief just to protect the fucking Twilight franchise.
Hal: We can discuss it later.
Alex: You can discuss it later. With yourself.
Hal: That doesn’t even make sense!

Hal about the sign: People on board a ship that’s capsizing don’t use that many exclamation marks.

Tom: I’ve always wanted to work in a hotel. Ever since me and dad snuck into the Bristol Hilton was I was 14. We were hunting a vampire called Radley.
Hal: Radley? I know Radley. Big ginger fellow.
Tom: Yeah.
Hal: How was he?
Tom: Yeah good until we killed him obviously.

Rook: When you talk to other vampires–as even you must from time to time–how do you account for your continued anonymity? Luck? Skill? Or humanity’s stupidity?
Hal: I know you. The basement of that nightclub a month or so ago. You took my friend’s body. Who are you?
Rook: My name is Dominic Rook. My job is to maintain the illusion that man is alone. And it has been the job of people like me for hundreds of years.
Hal: By telling me all this aren’t you rather missing the point of a clandestine organization?
Rook: I have a proposition for you. You are a rare creature, Hal. A human sympathizer with an eminent position in vampire society. It gives us an opportunity. If you were to take charge of the vampires, we could strike an accord between our two worlds.
Hal: Me? No, that… I can’t do that.
Rook: In exchange for a cessation of chaos and violence, we will provide you with per diems, premises, and the means to acquire blood consensually.
Hal: I… I don’t need blood anymore. I’ve been dry for over sixty years.
Rook: You’re sweating, Hal. Your hands are shaking.

Hal: What happened to my friend’s body?
Rook: Offhand I don’t recall. Some are returned to their families with an appropriate cover story. Others we let the families create their own narratives. But if you were to help me I’m sure I could find–
Hal: No, I… No, that’s… Look I can’t return to that world.
Rook: I’ve seen vampires try to live a human life before. It always ends in tears.

Rook: The Old Ones are gone, Hal. The remaining vampires are rudderless and volatile. We can mold them into any shape we wish.
Hal: Trust me. You don’t want to see a world where I’m leading the vampires.

Hal: Okay, can we all just remind ourselves, I didn’t kill you. We’ve indulged this myth long enough.
Alex: Right. Well, a) you of all people do not get to say when my death is old news. And, b) I never actually said–
Hal: –Me of all people.
Alex: –you killed me.
Hal: –You’re doing it again.
Alex: I mean you weren’t exactly an innocent bystander to it all either, were you? When you asked me out on that date, you knew exactly what kind of world you were bringing me into. You shouldn’t be wearing suits and talking to girls and being charming. You should have a fucking sign ’round your neck and a bell! You should be living in a cave! {Hal walks off}
Tom: What the hell happened there then?

Lady Catherine: If this is a trick I shall plunge this into your calcified heart.
Hal: And you wonder why you’re single.

Hal: Lady Catherine, head of the werewolves. Emil Parsons, dead wizard.
Emil (Jeremy Swift): Necromancer. I was master of the black arts. Sorcerer supreme. Gatekeeper to the forbidden world.
Lady Catherine: How did you die?
Emil: I had to be silenced. I knew too much.
Hal: He fell out of a tree trying to see into his sister-in-law’s bathroom.

Tom: What are you lot doing down here?
Alex: Hal’s building a sauna.
Tom: A sauna? Here? That’s ridiculous.
Hal: Excuse me, weren’t you planning on putting a swimming pool in the garden?
Tom: I said that cos we’d only just met. And you know as well as I do I was really making a bomb.
Hal: Fine. I’m making a bomb.
Tom: Thank you. It’s the lying that hurts.

Hal: My name is Hal. It’s Ian, isn’t it? I’m sorry, I looked through your wallet. Ian… ?
Crumb: Cram. Like the runner.
Hal: What runner?
Crumb: Steve Cram. He was awarded an MBE in 1986.
Hal: I did not know that.

Crumb: I feel weird. Have you drugged me? I’m allergic to aspirin. If you’ve given me aspirin then it’s actually murder.
Hal: I haven’t drugged you. Your body is going through an extraordinary transformation. One I went through many years ago. You feel nauseous because your blood pressure has dropped. Your heart rate is about one beat per minute now. But you won’t die. Because you healing process has got spectacularly fast.
Crumb: I’m thirsty.
Hal: Yes, but you don’t want water. All you’ve been able to think about since you awoke is one word. But you don’t know why. If I told you there was some underneath this floor, you’d dig through the concrete with your fingers. Accept it, and I can help you. But you have to say it.
Crumb: I don’t know what you mean.

Crumb: What have you done to me?
Hal: You’re a vampire. I made you into a vampire and I’m so sorry.
Crumb: A vampire.

Crumb: It’s a trick.
Hal: It’s not a trick. Vampires were born out of a pact with the Devil. He gets our souls and to remind us he takes our reflections. We call it Old Nick’s Wink.
Crumb: I don’t believe in the Devil.
Hal: I’m not sure I did until I met him.

Hal: Remind me, what will this do?
Emil: I shall summon the Devil by telling him that the vampire and werewolf armies are battling here. He’ll come to warm his hands on the fire of your conflict.

Hal: But he’s a predator! He’s only been a vampire for about seventeen hours.
Alex: How was I supposed to know?
Hal: I should have left a clue. Like, I don’t know, locking him in a cellar and tying him to a fucking radiator!

Hal: Evil doesn’t die. It just passes like a parcel, from year to year, body to body. But I survive. I live on while good people die around me. Heroes die. Grab your coat, Ian. We’re leaving.
Tom: Don’t! Stand down, it’s all right.
Hal: What are you doing?
Alex: Oh, something we’re going to regret.
Hal: Don’t you see? I’m his future and he’s mine.
Alex: So you need something to stay good for. We’re giving it to you.

Hal: What about your unfinished business?
Alex: Must be something else. I just hope it’s not blowing up any babies. {she laughs} Too soon?
Hal: A little.
Alex: Okay.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, like it or not, this is my world now.
Tom: Welcome!
Hal: Welcome?
Tom: I panicked.
Hal: What Tom is trying to say is, it’s a world in which we’ve spend the majority of our lives. As you explore it, we’ll be by your side.

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Sticks and Rope

Patsy: Now I know we’ve all been down in the dumps lately what with things getting a bit… suicide-y. But one of the guests has given me the perfect idea to perk us up. As of today, I’m going to be watching you all like a hawk, and whoever impresses me most… {she trails off as she sees Hal}
Hal: You do realize you’ve stopped speaking.
Patsy: Will be named employee of the month!

Tom: You know when I transform, I should drag you around on a piece of string in the woods.{pause} I’m saying you’re a chicken.
Hal: Thank you. I got the analogy.

Alex: I think the house is haunted.
Hal: Alex, there’s no easy way to say this.
Alex: No, not me, idiot. There’s another one, you have to come home.

Hal: Who the hell is that?
Alex: I don’t know.
Tom: What’s he doing here?
Alex: I don’t know!
Hal: Well what does he want?
Alex: I don’t know! But maybe if you keep asking me I’ll magically find out.

Hal: Hiding? From what?
Oliver: From the monster of course. The Men with Sticks and Rope.
Tom: Men with what and what?
Oliver: Sticks and rope, McNair. Guardians of the afterlife. Ghastly things.
Hal: But they can’t cross over to this plane. They only exist on the other side of the doors.
Oliver: I thought it best to keep a low profile nonetheless.

Alex: How can he have been living here so long and we never knew?
Hal: More to the point, what are we going to do with him? It’s not like we can hand him over to social services.
Tom: No, it’s down to us.
Alex: Oh, piss right off.
Tom: What? You’re dead good with kids. You’re always talking about your brothers.
Alex: Yeah, but… Little Lord Fauntleroy there is not one of my brothers.

Patsy: Nice of you to pop by. Nice of you to join us.
Hal: Uh, sorry Patsy. We were called away to deal with a domestic emergency.
Patsy: No, Hal, I see what you’re doing. It’s very noble of you to try and take the bullet, but I’ve got the smoking gun. I saw him on the security cam, sauntering up, bold as brass. On his own. Not good enough, Thomas. You need to pull your socks up. {she leaves}
Hal: Oh come on, that’s funny. You’ve got to admit. Tom!

Tom: Imagine having “Employee of the Month” written on your CV. Imagine having a CV.
Hal: You can have a CV. I’ll type you up a CV as soon as I’m done disinfecting the keyboard.

Hal: What’s all this in aid of?
Alex: Don’t you like a party? Who doesn’t like a party? Everybody likes a party. It’s the fucking law.

Tom: Everyone deserves to have a fuss made of them when they’re little.
Alex: Okay then. Okay well then, it’s agreed. Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1899. Ye ha! You’re not yay-ing, Hal.
Hal: Yay.

Alex: Now, a customer comes in, you ignore them. If they ask you a question, you shrug. They ask you again, you tut.
Hal: Tut?
Alex: Try and work in an eye roll as well.
Hal: This is barbaric.
Alex: Welcome to the British service industry.

Hal: Wasn’t Rook supposed to be taking care of you?
Crumb: Yeah, yeah no. Yeah, that I was but that’s sort of finished now. I got a bit confused and I did some really bad things! And now I feel like I’m on the verge, not just of doing more bad things but of not caring. And the last bit of me, the last crumb of Crumb, he wants you to stop it. To save him.
Hal: Listen to me, listen to me. You stay away, because I will kill you. you are nothing to me now. You are sediment, you are detritus, you are regret and disgust. Nothing more. So stay away! I have killed men and women and children, so just think how easy it will be to kill you.
Crumb: Well that’s something we have in common then.
Hal: You stay away! No more warnings!

Tom: There’s nothing you won’t do to beat me, is there? Well it don’t matter how far you are up Patsy’s bum, I’m going to win this competition.
Hal: If only you could. I’ve been trying to throw the bloody thing all day, but no matter how shit I try to be, you find a way of being shitter. What’s your secret? No, really, I’m dying to know.

Alex: Boo!
Oliver: Did we scare you?
Alex: What’s wrong with him?
Hal: Nothing a silver bullet wouldn’t cure.

Patsy: He may look like someone’s pulled a monkey from a tree and shaved it, but that’s how he pulls people in to his theater of lies.
Hal: You’ve met Tom, haven’t you? I mean you’ve spoken to him.

Patsy: This whole experience has been incredibly stressful so if you wanted to, to give me a back rub that would be fine.
Hal: Now you listen to me, if you want this place to be a success then Tom McNair is exactly the employee you need. The problem with you, Patsy, is that you are an inveterate snob. You’d rather reward someone who is well-spoken and disinterested than someone who is a little rough around the edges but utterly committed. Now that is not an environment I wish to work in, so if he goes I go.

Tom: Well that was stupid. Now none of us have got a job.
Hal: I think the phrase you’re looking for is “Thank you.”

Hal: What is it? What’s wrong?
Tom: Where’s Oliver?
Alex: He’s gone.

Alex: Time to say goodbye.
Hal: Of course. I mean, it’s what we expected.
Alex: Not to you, you idiot. To them. To this.
Tom: They’ve started rebuilding their world. As the distance gets greater and greater they’re just going to get stronger and stronger. To watch that happen would be like slowly dying again. I’ve got to move on as much as they do. Come on. Let’s, let’s go home.

Alex: On thing I don’t understand. Okay, I get the fact that the Men with Sticks and Rope are after me, ’cause that’s just what they do. They go after ghosts that haven’t moved on. But I thought they couldn’t cross into this plane.
Hal: They can’t. Not in their true form.
Alex: Well they managed to somehow.
There was something else as well, before they left he said “He will rise.” What does that mean? Who, who will rise?
Hal: It’s as if something’s changing. It’s as if the barriers between the worlds are becoming weaker.
Tom: And that’s not good, is it?
Hal: No. It is very not good.

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Pie and Prejudice


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The Greater Good


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No Care, All Responsibility


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The Last Broadcast


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