Being Human Alex Millar

Series 5


Kate Bracken

The Trinity

Tom: When you go, let me know if you’d like me to accompany ya. There’s some weird people out there.
Alex Millar (Kate Bracken): Says the werewolf spoonfeeding mashed banana to the vampire.

Hal: Please! This is torture.
Alex: If we wanted to torture you we would show you a picture of the bathroom.

Tom: What do you reckon, is he safe?
Alex: Well a few days ago he stopped shouting abuse and started correcting my grammar again, so… I guess that’s got to be a good sign.

Tom: First off, you steer clear of vampires. They’re a bad influence. That goes for all of us. No more supernatural nonsense.
Hal: Agreed.
Alex: And if you drink blood again, then–
Hal: You’ll kill me.
Alex: I was thinking more along the lines of a fine.

Hal: I’ve split the domestic duties into three subgroups. Tom, Alex and I.
Alex: Why is there one for me? I’ll be passing over soon.
Hal: Yes, but until then you’re part of this household.

Tom: How are you going to complete your business and pass over?
Alex: Find my body somehow and get it to my family I guess. So they can all grieve and stuff.
Tom: Well didn’t them blokes take it?
Alex: Yeah, so we just find out who they are and then go to the papers or something.
Hal: Well that’s obviously out of the question.
Alex: Why?
Hal: We cannot risk werewolves and vampires and ghosts being revealed to the world. The consequences could be catastrophic.

Alex: You of all people don’t get to dictate what we tell my dad and brothers.
Hal: What does that mean? Me of all people?
Alex: I’m not letting a good man die of grief just to protect the fucking Twilight franchise.
Hal: We can discuss it later.
Alex: You can discuss it later. With yourself.
Hal: That doesn’t even make sense!

Hal: Okay, can we all just remind ourselves, I didn’t kill you. We’ve indulged this myth long enough.
Alex: Right. Well, a) you of all people do not get to say when my death is old news. And, b) I never actually said–
Hal: –Me of all people.
Alex: –you killed me.
Hal: –You’re doing it again.
Alex: I mean you weren’t exactly an innocent bystander to it all either, were you? When you asked me out on that date, you knew exactly what kind of world you were bringing me into. You shouldn’t be wearing suits and talking to girls and being charming. You should have a fucking sign ’round your neck and a bell! You should be living in a cave! {Hal walks off}
Tom: What the hell happened there then?

Alex: Can you please stop treating me like I’m made of glass or cobwebs or something. All right, I’m dead. My health and wellbeing has pretty much bottomed out.
Tom: So what am I supposed to do?
Alex: I don’t know just treat me like an equal. Treat me like a bloke.
Tom: But you’re a lady. And my dad taught me how to treat ladies. Always be polite and courteous. If a lady came in the room you stood up and took off any hats,
and if it was a vampire, you staked ’em.
Alex: And I’m sure that growing up in the paramilitary wing of the Amish had many pluses, but I find it patronizing.

Alex: I drowned according to this. Walking along the canal bank, I slipped and fell, no sign of struggle or trauma. Just a random, stupid accident. {reading} I was buried. Christ! Three weeks ago. “In a private service attended by family and friends. Alex’s father Brendan said, ‘Alex was beautiful in every sense. We will never forget her strength, kindness and determination. She lit up our lives and we will miss her so much.'” They’ve started getting better without me. I thought that I would take my body back to them and all this would end. But it’s already happened, and they’re talking about me in the past tense and I’m still here.
Tom: You’ve got us.
Alex: I don’t want you!

Tom: Most parents are worried about messing their kids up. I’m worried about eating mine.
Alex: Oh, this world sucks. Even with superpowers.
Tom: I’m sorry if the way I speak to you is annoying. It’s just what my dad would expect me to do. And that keeps him alive in my mind. Makes me feel safe.
Alex: You’re an excellent person, Thomas. I just need to remember that.

Hal: But he’s a predator! He’s only been a vampire for about seventeen hours.
Alex: How was I supposed to know?
Hal: I should have left a clue. Like, I don’t know, locking him in a cellar and tying him to a fucking radiator!

Hal: Evil doesn’t die. It just passes like a parcel, from year to year, body to body. But I survive. I live on while good people die around me. Heroes die. Grab your coat, Ian. We’re leaving.
Tom: Don’t! Stand down, it’s all right.
Hal: What are you doing?
Alex: Oh, something we’re going to regret.
Hal: Don’t you see? I’m his future and he’s mine.
Alex: So you need something to stay good for. We’re giving it to you.

Hal: What about your unfinished business?
Alex: Must be something else. I just hope it’s not blowing up any babies. {she laughs} Too soon?
Hal: A little.
Alex: Okay.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, like it or not, this is my world now.
Tom: Welcome!
Hal: Welcome?
Tom: I panicked.
Hal: What Tom is trying to say is, it’s a world in which we’ve spend the majority of our lives. As you explore it, we’ll be by your side.

View all quotes from The Trinity

Sticks and Rope

three months earlier

Deckey (Daniel Kerr): Why are you in such a hurry? This place is friggin’ mint.
Alex: I told ya. I’m meeting someone.
Deckey: Ah. So that’s why you’re dressed like a girl. You know Ryan says this fella must be a right munter.
Alex: Well
actually, he’s dead handsome, has all his own teeth, and speaks really nicely. Whereas Ryan’s last girlfriend looks like Chris Moyles.
: But hang on, if you’re going out tonight who’s going to make us dinner and do the washing up?
Alex: I just want one night to myself, all right? It’s my holiday too. Right let’s go, Deckey.
Deckey: Oh just one go, please?
Alex: We’ll come back tomorrow. Okay? We’ve got loads of time.
Deckey: Promise?
Alex: Cross my heart and hope to die.

Alex: Well, what am I supposed to do? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep.
Tom: What did you do before?
Alex: Um, looked after my brothers, went out on the piss with me mates, got off with inappropriate people–no offense.

Alex: Oo! Diagnosis Murder is on. {she’s disappears}

Alex: I think the house is haunted.
Hal: Alex, there’s no easy way to say this.
Alex: No, not me, idiot. There’s another one, you have to come home.

Hal: Who the hell is that?
Alex: I don’t know.
Tom: What’s he doing here?
Alex: I don’t know!
Hal: Well what does he want?
Alex: I don’t know! But maybe if you keep asking me I’ll magically find out.

Alex: How do you know my name?
Oliver: Because I’ve been watching you.
Alex: All right good. ‘Cos I thought it’d be something creepy.
Oliver (Ben Greaves-Neal): And hiding outside are Hal and Tom. The vampire and the werewolf. {they come in} Hello!
Alex: And you are?
Oliver: Oliver Fitzwilliam Pryor, at your service.
Alex: And what are you doing here?
Oliver: Playing soldiers, you great ninny.

Alex: How can he have been living here so long and we never knew?
Hal: More to the point, what are we going to do with him? It’s not like we can hand him over to social services.
Tom: No, it’s down to us.
Alex: Oh, piss right off.
Tom: What? You’re dead good with kids. You’re always talking about your brothers.
Alex: Yeah, but… Little Lord Fauntleroy there is not one of my brothers.

Tom: We don’t want you getting poorly now, do we?
Alex: He’s been dead for a hundred years. How much more poorly can he get? {he coughs} No, that is a classic “I want the day off school” cough. I’ve heard it a thousand times.
Oliver: Thank you all. You’ve been so very kind.
And if I don’t make it, please… don’t forget me.
Alex: You know Decky used to look up symptoms online all the time except he could never be bothered looking up the diagnosis.{Hal and Tom quietly leave} There was this one time he said he couldn’t go to school because he’d just started the menopause. Oh you two are so getting a slap.

Alex: So what do you want to do then? Play some football? Climb some trees?
Oliver: What kind of low-born ruffian do you take me for?
Alex: TV it is.

Hal: What’s all this in aid of?
Alex: Don’t you like a party? Who doesn’t like a party? Everybody likes a party. It’s the fucking law.

Tom: Everyone deserves to have a fuss made of them when they’re little.
Alex: Okay then. Okay well then, it’s agreed. Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1899. Ye ha! You’re not yay-ing, Hal.
Hal: Yay.

Oliver: Never have I met a less ladylike lady. You can’t dance, you can’t conjugate Latin verbs. And your madrigal singing is subpar at best!
Alex: Right. That’s it. Naughty step for you.

Alex: Oh my god. Dead Victorian kids are so annoying.

Alex: Right. I’ve had enough. He can’t play football, he thinks TV is vulgar, and do not even get me started on the racism.

Alex: Now, a customer comes in, you ignore them. If they ask you a question, you shrug. They ask you again, you tut.
Hal: Tut?
Alex: Try and work in an eye roll as well.
Hal: This is barbaric.
Alex: Welcome to the British service industry.

Alex: What in the name of Little Baby Cheeses are you doing?
Oliver: It’s part of my routine. Just because one is dead doesn’t mean one shouldn’t let standards drop.

Oliver: Why all these questions?
Alex: I just want to get to know you. How you lived. How you died…
Oliver: How I died?
Alex: Oh, great idea. Let’s start with that one. So how did you die?
Oliver: That’s a very personal question.
Alex: You said that you were hiding from The Men with Sticks and Rope. What do they want with you?
Oliver: They want every ghost, who hasn’t passed over properly.
Alex: They’ve not come looking for me. So you must be special. So why is that then?
Oliver: If I tell you, you’ll hate me. {the room goes haywire}
Alex: Of course I’m not going to hate you. What is it? What are you hiding? Oliver!
Oliver: I did a terrible thing. I killed my brother.

Alex: What happened to Albert, Oliver, wasn’t your fault. Just as what happened to me wasn’t mine.
Oliver: Do you really believe that?
Alex: Neither of us asked for this. We have both had to pay the biggest price imaginable for things that, for things that we can’t even control. But what’s done is done and we have to look forward now. Or else eternity’s going to seem like a very long time.

Oliver: Should we pop in? Surprise them?
Alex: They’re working, they’ll be really grumpy. Yeah, come on.

Alex: Boo!
Oliver: Did we scare you?
Alex: What’s wrong with him?
Hal: Nothing a silver bullet wouldn’t cure.

Oliver: There’s something I need to tell you. About why I’m here.
Alex: What is it?
Oliver: I’m sorry Alex.

Alex: What’s going on?
Oliver: We need to get out of here. What’s wrong?
Alex: I can’t rent-a-ghost. Right, it’s okay. We’re just going to have to do this the old-fashioned way, all right?

Alex: I’ll look after you. Whatever happens, I promise you. Okay?

Albert: I just want to play. Please Oliver. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Why do you keep running away from me?
Alex: Open the door.
Oliver: What?
Alex: Oliver, you can’t keep hiding. You have to talk to him. You have to face him.

Oliver: I didn’t make it happen?
Alex: I think that’s what Albert’s been trying to tell you all this time. I think that’s why he’s been looking for you. Come on. Open the door.

Oliver: I’m sorry, Albert. I’m so sorry.
Alex: Go with him. It’s okay.
Oliver: Thank you..

Alex: I don’t understand. We’re back in the attic.

Leader (Martin Hancock): Give him to us.
Alex: Not gonna happen.
Leader: One of you is coming with us.
Alex: Well take me.
Leader: You would take his place in Hell?
Alex: He’s just a kid!
Oliver: Alex.
Alex: No. No. I promised you that I would look after you, okay? This is just what big sisters do. Right. Now when Hal and Tom get back tell them exactly what happened. Tell them that this was my choice, okay? Have you got that? Okay. Let’s do this.
Oliver: No. This is what they wanted. It was a trap. The whole thing was a trap. That’s why they sent me here!

Leader: So. You want to play with us, little girl.
Alex: Oliver… somebody needs you.
Oliver: I can’t just leave you!
Alex: Oliver, just go.

Alex: And remember to close the door!

Alex: How you going to get back, eh? How long do you think you can survive in this world? Not long I reckon. Slash hope. Okay, any time you want to start bursting into flames or whatever you do, just… feel free.
Leader: You’re too late. The end has begun. night will fall. And he will rise.

Hal: What is it? What’s wrong?
Tom: Where’s Oliver?
Alex: He’s gone.

Alex: Time to say goodbye.
Hal: Of course. I mean, it’s what we expected.
Alex: Not to you, you idiot. To them. To this. They’ve started rebuilding their world. As the distance gets greater and greater they’re just going to get stronger and stronger. To watch that happen would be like slowly dying again. I’ve got to move on as much as they do. Come on. Let’s, let’s go home.

Alex: On thing I don’t understand. Okay, I get the fact that the Men with Sticks and Rope are after me, ’cause that’s just what they do. They go after ghosts that haven’t moved on. But I thought they couldn’t cross into this plane.
Hal: They can’t. Not in their true form.
Alex: Well they managed to somehow.
There was something else as well, before they left he said “He will rise.” What does that mean? Who, who will rise?
Hal: It’s as if something’s changing. It’s as if the barriers between the worlds are becoming weaker.
Tom: And that’s not good, is it?
Hal: No. It is very not good.

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Pie and Prejudice


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The Greater Good


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No Care, All Responsibility


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The Last Broadcast


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