Pilot Episode Kim (Busy Philipps): I'm cutting. Who's got gum? Ken offers her a piece. Oh yeah, that's real great. Why don't you blow your nose in some bread and make me a sandwich too. Ken: Why is everyone crawling up my butt today? Beers and Weirs Kim: No, what you gotta do is look for…

Pilot Episode Daniel Desario (James Franco): Oh man, you wanna hear something way messed up? You know that Molly Hatchet shirt I was wearing the other day? You know the one with that executioner guy holding that bloody axe, under his foot's the severed head. Ken (Seth Rogen): Yeah. That's my shirt. Girl: Ow! Don't…

Nick: You know, I always noticed that the day after we have Salisbury Steak, we always have hamburgers. But then the day after that we always have meatball heroes. And a few days after that we have meatloaf. So is it the same meat? Are you guys recycling the meat? Lunchlady: It's different meat. Nick:…

Sam: Your dad's the coolest. Mr. Schweiber (Sam McMurray): I heard that! Neal: Yeah. Lindsay: Hey, at least she knows how to play an instrument. Ken: That's not playing an instrument. That's like blowing into a toilet. Lindsay: Sounds better than your singing. Ken: Lindsay, here's an idea: how about you break up our band…

Ken: We're gonna blow the roof off his garage in the most rock-tagious way. Neal: I hate being in school after it's out. Makes me feel like a janitor. Sam: What's so great about him anyway? Neal: It's the hair. Mr. Weir: I could call the police. Do you know that? I could call the…

Lindsay: This is cool. Hitchhiking. It's like in Kerouac, you know? Kim: Kerouac? Lindsay: Jack Kerouac. He wrote On the Road. Kim we've been reading it in English class the last two weeks. Where you been? Kim: All we ever do in that class is read. Ooh ooh ooh! Stick out your thumb, wouldja? Lindsay:…

Nick: Hey Lindsay, do you ever think about heavy stuff? Lindsay: Heavy stuff? Nick: Like death or the meaning of life. Lindsay: Well yeah. My grandmother died I was pretty depressed. I took it pretty hard— Nick: Yeah yeah. I knew that you were like me. I can't even talk to those other guys. Ken…

Mr. Rosso: So... I understand you and Nick Andopolis are getting pretty tight. How's that going? Lindsay: Mr. Rosso, Nick and I are just friends. That's all. Mr. Rosso: Hey, no need to explain anything to me. I got it on in a van at Woodstock so I'm not judging anybody. Mr. Rosso: You've got…

Mr. Rosso: There's two ways you can look at anything in this life. Take my job for instance. I could get up every morning and go "I don't wanna go and help a bunch of kids. I'm tired." But I don't. I get up, and put on my shirt and my tie and I say,…

Sam about Bill's black socks: You look a little bit like my grandpa. Bill: Oh yeah? Is your grandpa super cool? Coach Fredricks: Alright, simmer down petunias. Sam: Don't you think it's weird that they want us to, you know, get naked? Neal: It's not a burlesque show, Sam. They just want us to shower.…

Bill: What the hell is that? Neal: You think she's single? Bill: Looks like it's from outer space. Sam: Shut up. Coach Fredricks: Weir! Do you have something to say? Sam: No, sir. Coach Fredricks: When you get the clap because you weren't paying attention in health class is that going to be funny too?…

Millie Kentner: Hey! Those are for my French class. Daniel: But I love sprinkles! Millie: Fine just eat it. Nick: Wow. What's wrong with her? Kim: Ricky dumped her this morning. I don't know, she's on the warpath. Daniel: Wow. If she's looking for new customers, I'm up for a test drive. Kim: Shut up,…

Bill: Nothing from the garage. Neal: Okay. Bill: And it has to be food. Okay? Nothing from under the sink. No cleansers, no detergent, no furniture polish. And no cut-up bits of sponge. Sam: Okay. Bill: I'm just trying to to win ten bucks here. I don't wanna die. Mrs. Weir: Honey, the boy's fourteen.…

Mrs. Weir: Hey Lindsay, how'd you like to go buy some new clothes at the mall? Those old jeans are looking pretty ragged. Lindsay: No thanks, Mom. I like my jeans Sam: Dad's the one who could use some pants. Mr. Weir: Who am I trying to impress? When it's your house you can wear…

Daniel Desario (James Franco): Oh man, you wanna hear something way messed up? You know that Molly Hatchet shirt I was wearing the other day? You know the one with that executioner guy holding that bloody axe, under his foot's the severed head. Ken (Seth Rogen): Yeah. That's my shirt. Daniel: Yeah so, my mom…