I don’t know what part is more unintentionally hilarious about this one. I caught a commercial for a revolutionary new product: The Jerkstopper. Which, sadly, only stops cables from being forcibly removed for one’s laptop. And I had such high hopes when I first heard the name. It was an added boon, however, when the final order screen put up a big stop sign with the phrase “STOP JERKING!” plastered across it.

Indeed.

Among the variety of things I took away from my time at University (aside from a degree and apparently a penchant for throwing in an occasional British turn of phrase), two things also tend to rise to the top:

1. When examining historical event, don’t go looking for conspiracies. They rarely happen and, when they do, they are even more rarely kept secret. People just aren’t sneaky enough to pull off that sort of thing. Evidence always surfaces. Someone always blabs to a mistress.

I am reminded of that every time I hear someone expositing on the great conspiracies of our time, be it 9-11, alien invasions, the New World Order, or any other theory that involves a widespread highly-organized coverup. It keeps me safely grounded in Realityville.

2. Never go into a “What if?” reevaluation of history. “What if Hitler never existed… or got into art school?” “What if Gore had won in 2004?” “What if I hadn’t picked Sarah Palin as my runningmate?”…

It’s an exercise in futility. Not only because you can’t change the past, but more importantly because you can’t know the repercussions of the “What if”. So what if Hitler did get into art school? Who’s to say someone with a clearer head wouldn’t have successfully invaded Russia? There are too many variables to even attempt such a foray.

But that doesn’t stop me from—some days—wanting to go back in time and drop kick my younger self onto a different path.