So far my cult has The Well of Eternal Bliss and Plastic Frogmen.

And that’s about it. Starting a cult is a lot more complicated than I had imagined. I wonder if there’s a “Starting a Cult for Dummies” book out there. They have one for just about everything else.

I think my cult needs to have wood paneling as well.

I once went to an open house near my ancestral homestead. The house had to have been around $300-$500k, judging from size and neighborhood. But it must have been on the low end of things. Clearly owned by a single man, half the house had an indoor pool in it with the rest of the rooms in the house looking into the pool room. Or sort of. The condensation situation was intense.

ANYWAY: the foyer was all wood paneling with just dozens of painted saws hanging on the walls. Nice colorful scenes of deers frollicking in the woods and cabins with smoke coming out of the chimneys. And I was left trying to figure out who made the damn things and how anyone could acquire/want to acquire a few dozen of them.

I think I’ll skip the painted saws. But fake wood paneling is good.

I was cleaning out my email and I found this. It’s a screed on how rock and roll is ruining America. One of our semi-regulars owns a record shop a few blocks away (yes, records) and someone had left in her store. So I grabbed a copy. I think I still have it somewhere.

Anyway, here’s why rock and roll is ruining America. It’s scientific… and long:

ROCK N’ ROLL TAKES ITS TOLL!

Today’s homes, schools, factories, stores, restaurants and beaches are permeated with the ever-present racket of Rock n’ Roll. This mawkish, maudlin, madness assaults our ears and insults our intelligence!

Webster tells us that music is “the art of making pleasing or harmonious combinations of tones.” With no stretch of the imagination can Rock n’ Roll be considered an art, nor is it pleasing or harmonious. Its jungle beat is accompanied with vulgar, suggestive and blatantly sexual lyrics. It is unpatriotic and certainly unchristian. It is not even good for your health! It even affects the health of your house plants!

A New York City psychiatrist, Dr. John Diamond, has studied the beats of over 20,000 recordings of different types of music and has tested various music on people. In his testing he has discovered that a specific beat can prove stressful and depressing and, on the other hand, waltz music, for instance, can pick you up, strengthen you physically and give you an optimistic attitude.

” It has nothing to do with the volume, ” Dr. Diamond stated, “nor whether or not you like the music. It has all to do with the rhythms and the beat.”

” I’ve concluded,” he said, “that a specific beat, found in over half of the top hits of any given week can actually weaken you.” That beat of which Dr. Diamond speaks is called “stopped anapestic rhythm.” It is marked by two short beats and one long beat.

” In nine out of ten cases that I have tested,” the doctor said, “muscle strength drops more than 50% while a person is listening to records with this beat.”

” Stopped anapestic rhythm is contrary to our natural body beats and rhythms,” the doctor explained.

” When we tape-recorded the beat of the heart and the blood vessels,” the doctor continued, “we found it to be the exact opposite of the rock beat. The heart and body goes DAH-dit dit, one long, two short. This is much more like the waltz beat.”

” The stopped anapestic beat further interferes with brain wave patterns causing mental stress,” according to Dr. Diamond. “Tests conducted in factories and schools showed that students and workers performed 15% better without rock music, ” he concluded.

The crude lyrics of today’s songs were appalling to Disc Jockey Jack Carey and he quit his job in disgust. He stated that the rock music industry is leading millions of teenagers and young adults down the evil path of drugs, sexual promiscuity and social irresponsibility.

Long ago we reached the saturation point where Rock n’ Roll is concerned, but it drones on, and unbelievably, it has invaded our church sanctuaries and choir lofts. This materialistic and carnal substitution for the spiritual hymn will certainly not draw souls closer to God! Since it will even penetrate cotton in the ears the only alternative is to protest – loud and clear above the din!

Complain to store clerks and managers and anyone else who is chasing from the scene any concentration, constructive thought, or creative imagination! Do not patronize restaurants which insist on serving a constant bombardment of frenzied and amplified heathen discord.

Fill your home with inspiring and soothing music; for where else will tomorrow’s great musicians come from? The raucus noise of today is a miserable substitute for music. It is depressing and befuddles the mind and certainly is a big factor in the weighty problem of teenage suicide! While soothing music tames the savage beast, Rock n’ Roll only makes the savage beast more savage! It is truly the pornography of the music world!

ROCK AND ROLL WAS INTRODUCED FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF DESTROYING THE MORALITY OF THE YOUTH. It is not music. It is a mockery!

Yes, folks, Rock and Roll is just another part of the plot to destroy America – YOUR country! To cater to this abomination by purchasing or applauding this drivel, only helps to hasten America’s demise.

The more you know™…