Season 9

The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson

Moe: Listen up guys. The Springfield police have told me that 91 percent of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys. {they congratulate themselves} Yeah, I know, I know. But the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. We’ll choose the same way they pick the Pope. Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg.

Lenny: Hey it’s Duffman! The guy in the costume that creates awareness of Duff.

Homer: New York is a hell hole! You know how I feel about hell holes.

Bart: Laser wart removal? Wow! The future is here.

Homer: Well that does it. I’m getting out of this town alive if it kills me.

The Principal and the Pauper

Principal Skinner: I have never been happier or prouder to be Seymour Skinner.
Seymour Skinner (Martin Sheen): You’re not Seymour Skinner!

Chalmers: So what’s your story, Seymour? If that is your real name.
Armin Tamzarian: Well obviously it isn’t. My real name is Armin Tamzarian.

Armin Tamzarian: They gave me a choice. Jail, the army or apologizing to the judge and old lady. Of course if I had known there was a way going on, I probably would have apologized.

Bart: Principal Skinner?
Armin Tamzarian: Up yours, children!

Lisa’s Sax

I no longer want my MTV

Boy the way the Bee Gees played
Movies John Travolta made
Guessing how much Elvis weighed
Those were the days.
And you knew where you were then
Watching shows like Gentle Ben
Mister we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again
Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac
Coming out of my 8-Track
Michael Jackson still was black
Those were the days!

Lisa: Dad, you don’t understand. This saxophone is like my oldest friend. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember.
Homer: You don’t remember how you got it?
Lisa: Nuh unh.
Homer: Oh, well. It all happened in 1990. Back then, the Artist Formerly Known As Prince was currently known as Prince. Tracey Ullman was entertaining America with songs, sketches and crudely drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school…

Marge: Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.
Homer: Balzac.
Marge: No need for potty mouth just because you can’t think of one.

Treehouse of Horror VIII

FOX Censor reading: No… no…. {starts laughing} No. I think we can do without the crack pipe. Oh, hi! As the FOX censor, it’s my job to protect you from reality. And thanks to my prudent editing, tonight’s special Halloween show has been rated TV G. This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex. Or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free— {he gets stabbed by his ratings system} What the fudge! Oh for Pete’s sake! Jiminy Christmas! Darnit!

Mayor Quimby: I stand by my ethnic slur! Do your worst you filthy, pretentious savages.

Comic Book Guy staring down the bomb: Oh, I’ve wasted my life.

Homer eating out of a can: You call that prime rib? Yech.

Dr. Hibbert: Not everyone died in the blast, Homer. Some of us were horribly mutated.

Homer: Marge! Kids! You’re alive!
Lisa: All the layers of lead paint in this house made it the perfect bomb shelter.

Lisa: Wow, look at all these gadgets. If I were a nerd I’d be in Heaven.

Lisa: There’s one thing I don’t understand. When Bart went through the transporter, what happened to his head?
Homer: Eh. It’ll turn up somewhere.

Lisa: If they’re really witches why don’t they use their witch power to escape?
Homer: That sounds like witch-talk to me, Lisa.
Lisa: Never mind.

Marge: Let’s come to our senses, everyone. This witch hunt is turning into a circus.

Selma: You know, scaring people into giving us treats is fun. We should do this every year.
Marge: I just wish we hadn’t filled up on all those kids before we got to the Flanders.

Sea Captain: And it wasn’t long before this yearly custom became an annual tradition.

The Cartridge Family

Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story

Bart: Yo! Paella Man! Wing one up here!

Marge: Homer, we’ve got to get out of here.
Homer: Oh! But I want to do some rioting.

Ex-con Salesman: But surely you can’t put a price on your family’s lives?
Homer: I wouldn’t have thought so either, but here we are.

Homer: I’d like to buy your deadliest gun please.
Sarcastic Clerk Guy: Aisle six. Next to the sympathy cards.

Sarcastic Clerk Guy: And this is for shooting down police helicopters.
Homer: Oh I don’t need anything like that. Yet.

Sarcastic Clerk Guy: The law requires a five-day waiting period. We’ve got to run a background check.
Homer: Five days! But I’m mad now! I’d kill you if I had my gun.
Sarcastic Clerk Guy: Yeah well, you don’t.

Marge: Homer! I don’t want guns in my house! Don’t you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would have made more sense.

Homer: But I have to have a gun! It’s in the Constitution.
Lisa: Dad! The second amendment is just a remnant from Revolutionary Days. It has no meaning today.
Homer: You couldn’t be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn’t have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. You want that? Huh! Do you?!
Lisa grudgingly: No.

Bart Star

I did not invent Irish dancing

Dr. Hibbert: Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I’m more concerned about your gravy levels.
Homer: Now wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day.
Dr. Hibbert: You’re a little confused.
Homer: Oh ho. Confused, would we?

Marge: You know, Homer, it’s very easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun too.

Marge: You shouldn’t pressure Bart like that.
Homer: Well if you know a better way for me to live through my son I’d like to hear it.

Homer: Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.

Lisa: Well I know you don’t want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him?
Bart: Good.

Nelson: I gotta quit smoking.

Hank Hill (Mike Judge): We drove two thousand miles for this?

Homer: I’m feeling kinda low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it. You know, Skittlebrau.
Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you may have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Then just gimme a six pack and a bag of Skittles.

Homer over the credits: You’re cut too, shushy!

The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons

Apu: Is it me or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer: It’s you.

Homer: Hey, they got chairs with wheels. And here I am using my legs like a sucker.

Lisa: Can I ask you about your dot?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: What would you like to know?
Lisa: What’s the deal with that dot?
Bart: Yeah, can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you’re ticked off?
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: You tell me.
Bart: Nothing yet.

Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage.
Bart: As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes. Yes, we are.
Lisa: Fully.

Homer: Hey! What’s Lucky hooked up to?
Nurse: A respirator. It breathes for him.
Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

Marge: I’ve been looking over this list of things for the ceremony. I’ve got the extra wine glasses, but I’m still short a Tandoori oven, an elephant and four castrati.
Bart: What’s a castrati?
Marge: I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s spicy.

Bart: Wow! I wish I had an elephant.
Lisa: You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him.
Bart: Oh yeah.

Lisa the Skeptic

I will not tease Fatty

Marge: I don’t know. There’s something very peculiar about this.
Homer: Geesh! You’re the most paranoid family I’ve ever been affiliated with.

Lisa: But they might be paving over rare specimens. Pull over so we can complain, Dad. Come on! Who wants to complain with me? {silence} Fine. I’ll come back later. Who wants to come back with me! {silence} Fine.

Principal Skinner: Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Burns: Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you’re finished.

Marge: My poor Lisa. If you can’t make a leap of faith now and then… well. I feel sorry for you.
Lisa: Don’t feel sorry for me, Mom. I feel sorry for you.

Bart: Why are we getting dressed up, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus?
Marge: Well, you might say we’re going to the best steak house in the universe.
Bart: So we’re not going to Black Angus.

Marge: Well I guess you were right, honey. But you have to admit, when that angel started to talk, you were squeezing my hand pretty hard.
Lisa: Well it was just so loud, and… thanks for squeezing back.
Marge: Anytime, my angel.

Realty Bites

There was no Roman god named “Fartacus”

Homer: I love these lazy Saturdays.
Marge: It’s Wednesday, Homer.
{…}
Homer: I love these real Saturdays. They’re so relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired.

Homer: I don’t know, Marge. Trying is the first step toward failure.

Marge: What in the heck is a “dwelling”?

On the closing day, the escrow agents pay.
Taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae!
They back your baaaank!
Homer: You’re all nuts.

Marge humming: Hm hm hm hm… Easement!

Lionel Hutz: That’s Cookie Kwan. She’s number one on the west side.
Cookie Kwan: Hi Marge! {threatening} Stay off the west side.

Lionel Hutz: Cubicles are for closers, Marge. Anybody who doesn’t sell a house their first week gets fired. I probably should have mentioned that earlier.

Homer: Kids, your mother’s under a lot of pressure. Why don’t we let her clear the table in peace.

Miracle on Evergreen Terrace

Rudolph’s red nose is not alcohol-related

Lisa: This year’s tree is just perfect. That old aluminum one was so fake.
Marge: I couldn’t agree more. From now on, it’s plastic all the way.

After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.
Bart: It’s craptacular.

Homer: What the? Where’s Christmas? Lisa! Where’s Christmas?

Marge: Stop this madness. It’s just a washcloth. {they stop fighting}. Besides, it’s mine. Yoink!

All Singing, All Dancing

Homer: Here comes Lee Marvin. Thank god! He’s always drunk and violent.

Marge: Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits.
Lisa: He’s dreamy.

Homer: Singing is the lowest form of communication.

Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
Homer: No I don’t. I hate to rhyme!

Bart Carny

Homer: The experts say that if you want an animal to do something you should do it yourself first to show them how.
Marge: I’m not going to the bathroom in the backyard.
Homer: Pfft. Sorry, Your Majesty.

Bart: There’s gotta be a way out of this. Lisa, chop off my hands!
Lisa: No! Then who’ll chop off my hands?

Bart: Out of my way! I’m Hitler!

Homer: I wanna be a carny too! Can I, mister? Can I, please?
Rich Texan: I don’t know. You gonna get drunk and start a lot of trouble?
Homer: Sure. Anything you want.

Cooder (Jim Varney): Son, if you don’t finish your cotton candy you won’t get your sno cone.

Homer: You better not be in my ass groove!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: It took me years to forge that groove.

The Joy of Sect

Shooting paintballs is not an art form

Man: Why don’t you come chat with us about the Leader at the Welcome Center.
Homer: Will there be beer?
Man: Beer is not allowed.
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

Man: The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.
Homer: Really? I’m surprised about Maggie.

Homer: Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family!
Lisa: Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed?
Homer: I have not been brainwashed. Kill the girl… kill the girl…

Bart: These rubes in robes haven’t met the likes of Bart Simpson before.

Rev. Lovejoy about to torch the church: I never thought I’d have to do this again.

Marge: Now, how are we going to get my Homey back?
Willie: I’ll kidnap him for fifty, deprogram him for a hundred, and I’ll kill him for five hundred.
Marge: No no no. Just the first two.
Willie: Alright. I’ll throw in the killin’ for free.

Cletus: Stranger, you’re ‘atrespassing on my dirt farm.
Leader: Uhh… do you happen to need a Messiah?
Cletus: No, but I’ll take them sacks of money from yeh.
Leader: I should have stayed with the Promise Keepers.

Lisa: It’s wonderful to think for ourselves again.
Bart: You said it, sister.
TV: You are watching FOX!
All: We are watching FOX .

Das Bus

Skinner: Okay, Libya: exports.
Bart: Yes sir, you American pig!
Skinner: Nice touch.

Skinner: Order! Order! Do you kids want to be like the real UN or do you just want to squabble and waste time.

Skinner: Remember, Otto. We’re trusting you with our greatest natural resource. The school bus.

Marge: Is that my good butter?
Homer: Can’t discuss that now, Marge. I have to write another delicious memo. Mmm… memo…

Bart: What’s everyone’s problem? I’m glad we’re stranded. It’ll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson. Only with more cursing. We’re gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!

Sherri: I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s!

Bart: I must find him not guilty.
Milhouse: Alright!
Martin: But he ate our food!
Lisa: The law has spoken.
Nelson: Ah, sucks to the law.
Lisa: Stop! Leave Milhouse alone. Help me out here, Bart.
Bart: I don’t know, Lis. To be honest that verdict made me pretty angry.

Homer: Wow, they have the internet on computers now.

James Earl Jones: So the children learned to function as a society. and eventually they were rescued by, oh… let’s say, Moe.

The Last Temptation of Krust

Pain is not the cleanser

Bart: What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn’t have caught him.

Bart: Excuse me, I’m looking for someone named Jay Leno.
Jay Leno: Somebody wanna get this kid a TV?
Bart: Woah. Gee, thanks mister.

Jay Leno: Krusty the clown. That takes me back. Didn’t he die in a grease fire?
Bart: No! He’s alive. And he is so funny you could plotz. At least according to his press release.

Sideshow Mel: You can be so cruel when you’re sober.
Krusty: Well I’ll fix that! I’m going on the bender to end all benders.

Kent the Clown: Today’s top joke: It seems a local moron threw his clock out the window. We’ll tell you why after this.

Homer: From now on I’m going to be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you’re getting a little fat around the thighs.
Bart: Dad!
Homer: You too Bart.
Marge: Oh knock it off, Homer! You’re the fattest one in the car.
Homer: You didn’t have to tell it like it is.

Krusty: I learned something tonight, kid. It ain’t comedy that’s in my blood. It’s selling out.

Dumbbell Indemnity

Silly string is not a nasal spray

Homer: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.
Bart: Yeah. Mom says a lot of things.

Moe: Hey! Hey! Sabu! I need another magnum of your best champagne here, huh. And bring us the finest food you got stuffed with the second finest.
Waiter: Excellent, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.

Homer: You’re a genius, Moe. All your troubles will soon be over for a couple of months.

Marge: Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls! Why all the hair! Why all the anything!
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, you look a little nervous, Lisa.
Bart: You’re up to something aren’t you?
Homer: No! I’m just going out to commit certain deeds.

Moe: Congratulations, Homer. The plan worked perfectly.
Homer: But I’m in jail!
Moe: Yeah. Yeah. That’s a real kick in the pants.

Moe: Renee, there’s something I gotta tell you.
Renee (Helen Hunt): Oh no. You’re gay, aren’t you? Oh boy, Renee. You sure can pick ’em.
Moe: Nah, it ain’t that.
Renee: What, so you’re married?
Moe: No no… Hey, why did you say gay first?

Homer: I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk.

Lisa the Simpson

Milhouse: So Lisa, did you get that brain teaser yet?
Lisa: For your information none of your business!

Grampa: Your dad used to be smart as a monkey. Then his mind started getting lazy and now he’s dumb as a chimp.

Lisa: Dear Log: Can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of dumbening? {she stops} Wait, that’s not how you spell dumbening. Wait, dumbening isn’t even a word!

Troy McClure: Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as Alice Doesn’t Live Anymore and Mommy, What’s Wrong with That Man’s Face?

Dr. Nick: Hi, Frozen Body!

Bar Patron: Sounds like she’s hitting a baby with a cat.
Lisa: You have to listen to the notes she’s not playing.
Bar Patron: I can do that at home.

Marge: Simpson gene? That’s just foolishness!
Grampa: No, baldness too.

Bart: Wait a minute. So this means I’m going to be a failure?
Homer: Yes son. A spectacular failure.

This Little Wiggy

I was not told to do this

Mrs. Krabappel: Now whose calculator can tell me what seven times eight is?
Milhouse: Oh oh oh! Low battery?

Ralph: I found a moon rock in my nose!
Bart: Houston, we have a booger.

Jimbo: Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we’ve ever had!

Bart: Come on, Ralph, your dad’s a cop. There must be some cool stuff around here. Bullets, dead body photos, what-have-you.
Ralph: He keeps that stuff in his closet, but he says I’m not allowed in there.
Bart: Did he say I’m not allowed in there?
Ralph: Yes.

Ralph Wiggum: That’s where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.

Chief Wiggum: What is your fascination with my Forbidden Closet of Mystery?

Bart: Hey come on! I thought we were friends.
Jimbo: Yeah, well, I hope the irony’s not lost on you, Simpson.

Ralph: The pointy kitty took it!

Mr. Burns: Smithers! There’s a rocket in my pocket.
Smithers: You don’t have to tell me sir.

Simpson Tide

My butt does not deserve a website

Announcer: Daybreak: Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are fighting for freedom. But you’re in Lubbock, Texas, hosing stains off a monument. You’re in the Naval Reserve. America’s seventeenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard and the League of Women Voters.

Drill Sergeant: Alright Simpson. I don’t like you, and you don’t like me.
Homer: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Oh. Alright. I don’t like you but you like me.
Homer: Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.

Sarcastic Guy: Can I help you?
Bart: I’d like to get my ear pierced.
Sarcastic Guy: Well better make it quick, kiddo. In five minutes this place is becoming a Starbucks.

Drill Sergeant: Next weekend we’re having our annual war games. Now Simpson, because of your many years as a nuclear technician, we’re putting you on a nuclear sub.
Homer: Nu-cu-lar. It’s pronounced nu-cu-lar. Nu-cu-lar.

Marge: Are you sure you’ll be okay?
Homer: We have orders not to fire on anybody except for Greenpeace.

Kent Brockman: Treason season started early this year as a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man Homer Simpson.

Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a Communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Grampa Simpson: My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is not a porn star.

The Trouble with Trillions

I will not demand what I’m worth

Chief Wiggum: Alright people, listen up. The harder you push, the faster we will all get out of here.

Homer: Will you look at those morons. I paid my taxes over a year ago.

IRS Agent: Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it?
Homer: No, sir. I’m really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it.

Homer: Does this make me look fat?
Lisa: No, it makes you look like a tool of government oppression.
Homer: But not fat?

Agent Johnson: My superiors were pleased with your work. You have a flair for treachery.

Agent Johnson: We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house. But all we’ve ascertained from satellite photos is that it’s not on the roof. We’re hoping that, as his trusted employee, you can help lead us to it.
Homer: But Mr. Burns gave me my job. And he hasn’t fired me even after three meltdowns and one China Syndrome.

Mr. Burns: Hm. A pack of vicious dogs should be ripping you to pieces.
Homer: I don’t know what to tell you.
Mr. Burns: Very well. Come on in. Perhaps I have something I can scald you with.

Lisa: Who needs college, mom? We’re trillionaires. Let’s buy dune buggies!

Aide: But Presidente, America tried to kill you!
Fidel Castro: Eh, they’re not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco. {aide whispers to him} It’s full of what?!

Girly Edition

Salesman: May I inquire as to how you are differently-abled?
Homer: Oh ho, I’m not handicapped. I’m just lazy.

Bart: Mom, am I dumb?
Marge: Honey, I’d love to reassure you but right now Mommy needs a tetanus shot.

Network Exec: Bart, look up here. This would be where the tears would be if I could cry. But I can’t. Botched facelift. You could learn a lot from him, Mary Ann.
Lisa: It’s Lisa.
Network Exec: Mary Ann’s better.

Trash of the Titans

I will not mess with the opening credits

Ned: Maude’s folks are here and they’re a tad touchy about odors.
Homer: Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits diaper hill.

Marge: That crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me again.
Homer: That’s not the way she tells it.
Marge: And the school nurse says Bart has the plague.
Homer: It’s like measles. Good to get it out of the way.

New Face in Trash Race : Local Nut at It Again

Homer: Animals are crapping in our houses and we’re picking it up. Did we lose a war? That’s not America! That’s not even Mexico.

Homer: Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money?
Lisa: Dealing drugs.
Bart: Drugs?
Marge: I’ll have to say drugs too.

Mayor Quimby: And now all in favor of reinstating Ray Patterson.
Townfolk: Yay!
Ray Patterson (Steve Martin): Oh. Oh gosh. You know, I’m not much on speeches but it’s so gratifying to leave you all in the mess you’ve made. You’re screwed. Thank you, bye.

King of the Hill

McBain: McBain to base: Under attack by Commie Nazis.

Marge: That’s what I call break neck speed!
Bart: Mom, a man just died.

Bart: I pick my dad.
Nelson:
Him?
Bart: You’d be surprised. He gets pretty competitive when he’s been drinking.

Brad (Brendan Fraser): And when he reaches the top, Mr. Simpson here will plant this Power Sauce flag as an eternal symbol of man’s contempt for nature.

Sherpa 1: Brad and Neil were quite insistent you not die.
Sherpa 2: Frankly, we don’t care.

Neil (Steven Weber): Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They’re made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers.
Homer looking at the bar: Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

Lost Our Lisa

I am not the new Dalai Lama

Milhouse: Check it out, Bart! X-Ray specs. Hey! these don’t work.
Sarcastic Guy: Ah… lead shirt.
Milhouse: I’ll take three pairs. Here’s my prescription.

Marge: In a few years when you’re old enough to drive then you can take a bus.
Lisa: But it’s the last day of the Isis exhibit!
Bart: Well you should’ve thought of that before I glued all this stuff on my face.

Lisa: Dad?
Homer: Who is this?

Lisa: May I have that seat?
Comic Book Guy: Yes! If you can answer me these questions three. Question the first!—
Lisa: Never mind.

Lisa: Stupid bus that can’t even go to the stupid place it’s supposed to stupid go.

Praying heavenward
Homer: I’m not normally a praying man. But if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!

Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living! Now your mother, she’s the steady type. And that’s fine in small doses. But me, I’m a risk-taker. That’s why I have so many adventures.

Homer: Could you open the window? The cops have Daddy’s prints on file.

Lisa: Oh! We can’t touch it, Dad. It’s behind the velvet rope. A velvet rope.

Natural Born Kissers

I was not the inspiration for Kramer

Marge: When we got married, is this how you thought we’d be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator motor?
Homer: Eh. I never thought I’d live this long.

Farmer: If somebody’s in here, you’re in for some serious ass forkin’!

Lisa: Wow! An alternate ending to Casablanca. Bart, this could be priceless!
Bart: Priceless like a mother’s love or the good kind of priceless?

Homer: Marge, can we trade? I don’t trust these guys.

Sideshow Mel: Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He’s hanging from a balloon!