Season 18

The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer

Lisa: Otto, Bart won’t give me a seat.
Otto: You know I can deal with your problem or I can rock out. But I cannot do both!

Otto: That’s not a song. Real songs are about deals with the devil and far off lands where you find smoke in relation to water.

Bart: Look at me! I’m Otto! I’m a hundred years old and I drive a school bus.

Marge: Car pool, Nelson!
Nelson: Just a sec. I gotta finish my science project. {he throws a rock at a squirrel}. Woah. Squirrels don’t like rocks.

Fat Tony: The Calabreses! My archenemies in waste management. Milhouse, may I borrow your three-ring binder?
Milhouse: Garfield or Love Is…?
Fat Tony: I prefer the cat. He hates Mondays. We can all relate.

Homer: Wow! Your paintings have brush marks and your statues have wieners.

Fat Tony: Again this Palm Pilot has failed to remind me. I believe this needs to be hotsynced. {Legs throws it down and shoots it} What are you doing?
Legs: I thought you meant {slashing motion} hotsync it. You know how it is with us. Everything means kill.

Bart: Krusty, Fat Tony hasn’t received his weekly payment for keeping McDonald’s and Burger King out of town.
Krusty: I’m a little short this week. Could I just pay you five dollars to keep out Hardee’s?

Jazzy and the Pussycats

Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!
Lenny: I’ll tell you how she died. You know that sign that says, “Do not stand up on the roller coaster”?
Bart: Yeah.
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.
Marge: Low class all the way.
Homer: Marge, could you let it go? You won. She’s dead.

Homer: Spare us your medical mumbo jumbo. Just give us the pills. Clear cut his brain down to the nub.

Marge: What are those noises? They sounded zoological!

Bart: I was a great drummer, and now I’m nothing! Just like Phil Collins.

Please Homer, Don’t Hammer ‘Em

Salesman: That candy’s been here an awfully long time. I’d think twice if I were you.
Homer: Don’t tell me how many times to think.

Kent Brockman: Like all manly men I have a vivid imagination. Let’s take off our shirts and wrestle.

Skinner: Simpson, you’ve been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!

Treehouse of Horror XVII

Moe: Woah, look at that. My blood’s a genius. Fancy roman numerals and everything.

Homer: Oh, no you don’t! If I can keep down Arby’s I can keep down you!

Homer: No! Today’s teens have enough problems without me eating them.

Bart: Krusty, what’s that monster?
Krusty: It’s the Golem of Prague. Legendary defender of the Jewish people. Like Alan Dershowitz, but with a conscience.

Bart: Can’t you read my writing? I didn’t say “kick Homer’s walls.”

Lisa: Bart, did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies?
Bart: Oh, it’s always the Jews fault!

Carl: I don’t get it. What’s so great about this depression?

Kodos: Colonel Kang, you report?
Kang: Ah well. The earthlings continue to resent our presence. You said we’d be greeted as liberators!
Kodos: Don’t worry. We still have the peoples’ hearts and minds. {he demonstrates}
Kang: I don’t know. I’m starting to think Operation Enduring Occupation was a bad idea.

G.I. (Annoyed Grunt)

We are not all naked under our clothes

Mr. Friedman: The shoe size calibrator is for measuring feet and nothing else!

Recruiter: Dammit. Even the dumbest teenagers in the dumbest town in the dumbest state know better than to join the army.

Recruiter: Listen to those half pencils scribble. Thanks for fitting us in, Sergeant Skinner.
Skinner: Well, I’d do anything for my beloved Army.
Recruiter: How ’bout re-enlisting?
Skinner: How ’bout you bite me?

Marge: Homer! Our son joined the army!
Homer: Eh. Big deal. By the time Bart’s 18 we’re gonna control the world. We’re China, right?

Bart: Woah. Even the Army has Humvees now.

Boot Camp: Ordinarily I would spend the next two hours questioning your sexuality, putting down your hometowns, and telling you to drop and give me various numbers.
Homer: Are you gonna ask us our major malfunctions? Because mine is I care too much.

The Colonel (Kiefer Sutherland): Gentlemen, I’ll be frank. Never before has the Army accepted recruits with test scores as low as yours.
Homer: That’s an odd way to start handing out medals.

Soldier: Sir, maybe we should just quit. This operation has cost over fifty million dollars since lunch.
The Colonel: US government policy is very clear: never back down, never admit a mistake. That’s why we have won over half the wars we’ve fought.

Moe’N’a Lisa

Lenny: You could interview me. I collect Absolut ads.
Lisa: How many others do you have?
Lenny: There are others?

Homer: There once was a rapping tomato
That’s right, I said rapping tomato
He rapped all day, from April to May
And also, guess what, it was me.

Marge: Homer! Don’t drink and drive.
Homer: Fine. I’ll drive between sips.

Bart to a group of writers: Hey guys, did you hear? The Da Vinci Code just sold one hundred million copies.

Lisa: It’s Tom Wolfe! He uses more exclamation points than any other major American writer.
Tom Wolfe: It’s true!

Gore Vidal: I don’t need your sycophantic laughter. I have some on tape.

Moe: Lisa if you could just forgive me, you’d make me the happiest man in Vermont. Except for those two dudes I saw getting hitched. Not my thing but I wish them well.

J. Jonah Jameson (J. K. Simmons): I need photos. Photos of Spiderman!
Assistant: This is a poetry journal.
J. Jonah Jameson: Okay, then poems about Spiderman. And I want them finished before you start. And before you start, get me some coffee.

Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)

Ralph sticking an ice cream cone on his forehead: I’m a unitard!

Homer giving Marge more popsicle sticks: This is the most fun I’ve ever had giving you wood.

Homer: Sweetie, I can’t abandon my route even for one day. If those kids discover the link between eating right and feeling good I am screwed.

Lenny: I don’t know where Carl ends and I begin.
Carl: See statements like that are why people think we’re gay.

The Haw-Hawed Couple

Milhouse: Trust me, Bart. It’s better to walk in on both of your parents than just one of them.

Bart about Nelson’s party: Mom, I can’t go. No one else is.
Marge: Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State building, would you not jump?
Bart: … Kind of?

Nelson: I like to come up here and make fun of the sunset. Hey gasball! You suck!

Nelson: Make sure your affairs are in order.
Bart: I’ve set up a trust. It bypasses the inheritance tax.
Nelson: Only until 2008. Look into it!

Homer: No book is gonna make my daughter sad. Time to do what I do best: lie to a child!

Nelson: Ha ha! I touched your heart!

Kill Gil, Volumes I & II

Frankincense is not a monster

Moe: Don’t you hags know that all male figure skaters are twinkly in the lutz.
Elvis Stojko: That’s a common misconception. I have a girlfriend in Vancouver.
Moe: Made up girlfriend, made up city.

Homer about Gil: Why did you let that loser into our home?
Marge: I’ll tell you why: Christian charity.
Homer: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with this?

Moe: What’s the matter Homer? Still miss the UPN?

Bart: Wow! Gil’s a big shot.
Homer: And to think he and I once shared a shower.

The Wife Aquatic

Ned: Tonight’s g-rated jam is a silent film from my favorite year: yester. While you’re watching this quiet riot, I’ll be slipping these religious pamphlets on your windshields.

Carl: Hey, can you fix the sound.
Lenny: And the color.
Moe: And show it in a regular theater.

The Simpsons visit Barnacle Bay:
Lisa: This is the most disgusting place we’ve ever gone.
Bart: What about Brazil?
Lisa: After Brazil.

Homer: Oh mother sea. Giver of fish, taker of boats. Toilet to the world. The Greeks call you Poseidon. The Romans, Aquaman. Look into thy starfish heart and protect thy soul so we may go tubing on you again.

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Three Times

Marge: Homer, no! Revenge never solves anything.
Homer: Then what’s America doing in Iraq?

Judge: I sentence you to life!
Homer: You moron. I’m already alive.

Homer: I’m gonna get my revenge. And if I get caught, I’m pinning it on the baby like the time I shot Mr. Burns.

Homer dying: Avenge me! In flamboyant, impractical fashion.

Serpent: I’ll be snaking those jewels and “venom” gotta go. Sorry I didn’t “asp” your permission. Hope that’s “cobra”-cetic.
Krusty: Hey jerk, puns are lazy writing.

Little Big Girl

Nagging your way to ecstasy

Lisa: Some of my report wasn’t thoroughly fact-checked.
Homer: Ah, my little CBS News.

Homer: Bart! Buddy! It’s your dad. I need a ride. I think I’m in Chinatown. Not our Chinatown.

Lisa: Slow down! You’re too close to that car. Your hands should be at ten and two, not three and nothing.
Bart: You know, it’d be a real shame if someone started investigating your Indian heritage.

Darcy (Natalie Portman): Wow. You really are ten. I thought you were just kinda stupid.
Bart: I’m ten and stupid.

Darcy: I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad. I’m very religious that way.
Bart: How religious can you be if you’re pregnant? {she slaps him} Good answer.

Homer: Why would I go to Utah? I love booze, caffeine and monogamy.

Homer: Hey, for old times sake, do you want to drive me around while I sing public domain songs out the window?
Bart: You got it!

Springfield Up

Moe: My dad was a circus freak but my mom don’t remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of all of them.

Declan Desmond (Eric Idle): But Homer had found a peanut of hope in his Crackerjack box of despair.

Young Marge: Homer is so amazing! He can chug beer and pitch woo at the same time.

Homer: Check with me in eight years, Doctor Who! I’ll be kicking your ass with a solid gold boot.

Desmond: I can’t believe it! Homer Simpson, a bloody millionaire?
Homer: Why do you sound so shocked? This is our fifth take.

Yokel Chords

Cletus: We home school ’em. I teach the big ones and the big ones teach the little ones. But no one ever taught me, which makes the whole thing just an exercise in futility.

Principal Skinner: You have a lovely voice, sir.
Superintendent Chalmers: Why do you have to make everything weird?

Birthday: Hey, you’re one of those funny people with a big crazy nose.
Krusty: A clown?
Birthday: No, a j—
Krusty: Joker! That’s right. And I’m not a practicing joker so I’m not that offended.

Bart: Do you think I’m telling people not to have a cow because deep down I want them to have a cow?

Marge: Bart, honey, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn’t work maybe when you’re an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
Bart: You know, I’m pretty sure I will.

W: Miss Lisa, we just want to thank you for introducing us to, then saving us from, the big wide world around us.
Lisa: Twernt nothing.

Rome-old and Juli-eh

Homer: But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law. The one that says, “Dude, don’t worry about it. I got this.”

Homer: Come on, Dad, I’m cutting back everywhere. To save gas I’m Flintstone-ing the car.

Grampa: You know, I was voted best kisser in my POW camp.

Patty: Look, if you want to break up your father and Selma, I have a plan. But it involves you.
Homer: Okay, but I’m not good at details. Or the big picture. I also show up late. And drunk.

Homerazzi

Global warming did not eat my homework

Lisa: Dad, you’re out of shape even for an American.

Homer: Feels good to tell the truth. No, I’m lying again. It feels bad.

Homer: Our kids used to be so cute.
Bart: Used to?!
Homer: Oh deal with it.

Homer: Your hip hop CD was boastful and unnecessary!

Drederick Tatum: That’s what I think of the Fourth Estate!
Homer: What are the first three?
Drederick Tatum: Nobility, clergy and commoners. Learn your French history.
Homer: Okay.

Rainier Wolfcastle: I declare this meeting adjourned! Now please, take some sushi. Because if I give it to the dogs they will think, “Oh, now I get sushi all the time.” And I am not made of sushi.

Homer: He’s trying to make me look like a bad father! Maggie, take the wheel. Ten and two, Einstein.

Marge Gamer

Marge: And all this time I thought “Googling yourself” meant the other thing.

Lisa: I’m proud of you, mom. You’re like Christopher Columbus. You discovered something millions of people knew about before you.

Marge: Wow! It’s like a Renaissance Fair but without all the chubby couples.

Marge: What are you kids doing up so late?
Bart: We just got up.
Lisa: It’s seven am.
Marge: I was on the computer all night!
Bart: Actually, it’s Saturday.
Marge: I played a day and a night!
Lisa: Bart, it’s not Saturday.
Bart: Sh!

Mrs. Krabappel: It’s amazing how you can be a turkey in every reality.
Principal Skinner: What’s important is we’re talking.

Homer: Hey Lisa. Self-conscious about your shins? In my day girls were worried about their boobs.

Dolph: You guys wanna meet at the Kwik-E-Mart?
Jimbo: I’m in the tub right now.
Kearney: I’m in Denmark!

Lisa: You can’t give me a yellow card! You’re my father!
Homer: When I put on these shorts, I’m not your father. And judging by how tight they are, I’m never going to be anyone else’s either.

Bart: Jumpin’ Johnnycakes. Those dames are cheesed.
Homer: Son, I’ll never understand women if I live to be forty.
Bart: Big “if”.
Homer: You said it. Enjoy me while I last.

The Boys of Bummer

Lisa: Bart, come with me. I’ll take you to someone who will make you feel better.
Bart: Is it my rabbit Cottontail? The one who went to live upstate?
Lisa: He died, Bart. Dad buried him in the backyard. But… not in that order.

Mrs. Lovejoy: We’re here about the mattress.
Homer: What’s wrong with it?
Reverend Lovejoy: We tried raising Cain. But we weren’t able.

Crook and Ladder

I will not look up what teacher makes

Lisa: I can’t believe you listened to this magazine. It’s a Larry Flynt publication.
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can’t. I won’t!

Bart: Why am I sleeping when right next door is every boy’s dream: a fat suggestible zombie dad.

Bart: Hey Zombie. Wanna come out and play?
Homer: Zombie kill.
Bart: No, play.
Homer: Zombie file grievance.

Kent Brockman: Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?
Guy: Well not as bad as knowing somewhere gays are marrying each other. That’s the real emergency, Kent!

Stop Or My Dog Will Shoot

Pearls are not oyster barf

Wagon Wheel Maker: Wagon wheels were the internet of the nineteenth century!
Bart: Really?
Wagon Wheel Maker: No.

Marge: Maybe we should split up.
Homer: Marge! No! We can fix this marriage!
Marge: No, no. I didn’t mean—
Homer: Fine. You want out? Go!

Homer: How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!

Lou: Nobody ever freezes. I might just as well say “run.”

Wiggum: Let him go, Lou. He’s not following his nose this time, he’s following his heart.
Lou: Sometimes I forget why you’re chief, but I remember now. You follow your heart, boy!

Bart: Oh man. It’s like some chemicals cut one.

24 Minutes

Keifer Sutherland: Previously on 24. I mean The Simpsons.

Lisa Simpson
Head Hall Monitor
Love ponies / Hates phonies

Homer Simpson
ATM User
Devoted father of two

Skinner: Simpson! I’ll teach you to make a poupon me.

Bart Simpson
Two months sober

Marge: If someone did eat Bart’s shorts they’d have a tummy-full of pocket garbage.

Marge Simpson
Unemployed

Milhouse: Lisa, if I don’t make it back there’s a letter in my locker I want you to read.
Lisa: I’ve already read it.
Skinner: We’ve all read it.

Bart: Lisa, they’re going to put a stink bomb in the school. I might be able to stop them but I’ll need a schematic of his house.
Lisa: Jimbo drew a couple pictures of his house in second grade. But I can’t vouch for their accuracy. The teacher gave him a frowny face.

Bart: Dammit, these blueprints are all wrong! Where’s the rollercoaster room? And the shark tank?

Jack: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who is this?
Jack: I’m Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? Uh. I’m … Ahmed A. Dooty.
Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed A. Dooty. Does anyone there know Ahmed A. Dooty?
Chloe: Ahmed A. Dooty. Wealthy Saudi financier disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
Jack: Really?
Chloe: No, Jack. It’s a joke name.
You’re being set up.
Jack: Dammit!

Nelson getting beaten by Bart: I’m unclear on what you want!

Bart: Lisa, are you on a secure line?
Lisa: I am. You’re on a Bluetooth cellphone, the most vulnerable device known to man.
Bart: But it looks so cool!

Homer: Rice Krispies treats! Way to phone it in, Sarah Wiggum.

You Kent Always Say What You Want

Lisa: This film is against tooth decay but it also kind of glamorizes it. Mixed signals.
Homer: This is the greatest movie ever!
Lisa: Dad, that’s Ludacris.
Homer: I have a right to my views.

Grampa: I can’t believe Kent Brockman got away with it. Back in my day TV stars couldn’t say boobie, tushie, burp, fanny burp, water closet, underpants, dingle dangle, Boston marriage, LBJ, Titicaca, hot dog or front lumps!

Krusty: Damn that Brockman! There are only two rules in TV: Don’t swear and don’t whip it out. It’s not rocket science.

Homer: I’m sorry, Marge, but I won’t live under the same roof as a member of the liberal media!
Marge: You’ll have to forgive him. He’s been watching a lot of FOX News.
Homer: Did you know that every day Mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our brain dead ladies?

Lisa: One thing I’ve always wondered. How can FOX News be so conservative when the FOX Network keeps airing raunchy shows. They don’t fit together.
Kent Brockman: FOX deliberately runs shows that will earn them huge fines which are then funneled through the FCC straight to the REpublican party. Everybody in the media knows it but no one has the guts to say it!

Lisa: Mr. Brockman, you’re a huge hit.
Kent Brockman: Really? How wide is the web?
Lisa: World.
Kent Brockman: Wow.