Gossip Girl: Wakey wakey, Upper East Siders. Welcome to the first day of senior year and the onset of a new social dynasty. The big question is: with Serena single and on top of the world, will Constance become the House of Van der Woodsen?
Chuck: Humphrey was holding you back. You’re a born queen and this is your year to rule. Why fight it?
Serena: Because I don’t want it, okay? Being queen is Blair’s whole thing. Plus, if she needs a eunuch she knows where to look.
Chuck: You may feel differently when the trumpets call. Bring the OJ. There’s champagne in the limo.
Eric: He’s kidding. I think.
Dan: I heard your friend sneak out early this morning. Claire, is it? C’mon. High heels. Concrete loft. Not the blueprint for a stealthy getaway.
Jenny: Dad, how set are you on this whole “going-to-school” thing?
Rufus: Pretty set. Why?
Jenny: The first day of school is Draft Day. Blair and her merry band of psychos are going to be on a tear. They categorize girls into two groups: projects and victims. Girls who have the potential to become little mini Blair-ites become projects. And the total losers and girls who have the potential to threaten social order become victims. I was a project last year and we all know how that turned out.
Eric: So you’re basically using Blair’s system to screen potential dates.
Chuck: Think of it as an early application process. There’s so many slots in Chuck Bass’ social calendar. It’ll save me a ton of time.
Eric: Seems a bit impersonal.
Chuck: Thank you.
Blair: Every year the projects pile shrinks while the victims pile—
Kati: I believe in the voucher system.
Iz: It’s like the government doesn’t even care.
Gossip Girl: Looks like Humphrey defied our Great Expectations and Waldorf’s Rules of Order. Daring to date before Serena? It’s only a matter of time before it’s off with his head. Or hers.
Rufus: So what brings you down here Lily?
Lily: Oh I just thought it would be nice to say hello. Maybe catch up.
Rufus: I was actually on my way out.
Lily: Of course. I should have called first. You’re busy with work and—
Rufus: No I just— Repo Man’s playing at the Sunshine. You know how I love my Harry Dean Stanton.
Blair: It’s for your own good S. They were going to lunch together. Lunch. As in the meal before dating.
Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): How can I use this to get Nate off the hook? I mean, what do I do?
Dan: Well you’re not going to like it. Blair.
Vanessa: Blair? I can’t trust Blair.
Dan: Well maybe not. But Google “revenge” and you get blairwaldorf.com.
Vanessa: I’m trusting you Blair.
Blair: Like you have a choice.
Gossip Girl: What Dan Humphrey does with the other serfs in the village is his business. But when he brings his new maiden to court, it’s a declaration of war. Sound the trumpets, strumpets.
Serena: I loved you. And just because we broke up doesn’t mean I could just turn it off like that.
Dan: Maybe we should stay away from each other for awhile.
Serena: Yeah, you’re right. You and Amanda should probably go.
Dan: Are you ordering me to leave?
Serena: Consider it a suggestion.
Chuck: Cashing out so soon, Humphrey?
Dan: You really should wear a bell.
Chuck: Kinky. I’ll think about it. Hope you’re not leaving. You’re about to see the real Serena.
Dan: I’ve seen enough.
Chuck: Not by half.
Rufus: Yesterday reminded me how easy it is to fall back into old patterns. I can’t be your safety net anymore. It’s not fair. You made your choice to be Mrs. Bass. You need to do that. We both need you to go do that.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: a beautiful blonde phoenix rising from the ashes of a major public humiliation.
Serena: Never again. From now on, everything goes through me.
Gossip Girl: Welcome back, Queen Serena. Consider us your humbled servants. ‘Cause if looks could kill we wouldn’t want to be Dan Humphrey.
Amanda (Laura-Leigh): Getting my hair burned off was not a part of the deal.
Chuck: Casualties of war.
Amanda: I don’t get it. You wanted me to pretend to like this guy so he could make his ex-girlfriend jealous.
Chuck: Jealousy is a powerful emotion. I had to create a monster if I was going to dethrone a queen.
Gossip Girl: Sorry Lonely Boy. Don’t say we didn’t try to warn you. But if Queen S. would do this to D. are any of us safe? Bow down or bow out. XOXO. —Gossip Girl