Season 5

Yes, Then Zero

Nate: Hi. I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Nate Archibald. And you are?
Chuck: Waiting for me.

Serena: How did you guys end up here? And who’s boat is this?
Nate: This is Allegra Versace’s. Chuck won it in a poker game in Chiang Mai. He won Allegra too, but that’s another story.

Chuck: I say it at anything. If an opportunity presents itself I take it. There’s nothing I won’t try once. Even happiness.
Nate: He’s very inspiring. I’ve been saying all summer he should run an infomercial.

Nate: Well the zip codes may be different, but douche bags are the same wherever you go.

Serena: Oh! I forgot to ask you, how was the audition?
Nate: Well after I told them I wasn’t an actor, they said that’s too bad because you’d be perfect as a kid from an East Coast political family who’s constantly manipulated while trying to keep everyone around him happy. They told me that.

Nate: Sometimes I wish I could just reinvent myself. You know?
Serena: Well you’ve come to the right place. Everyone in Hollywood reinvents themselves.

Random Partygoer: Oh my god. Are you that guy? That guy from that movie?
Nate: Ah… yes.
Random Partygoer: I love that guy. Can we have your autograph?
Nate: Yeah.
Random Partygoer: Do you live in LA?
Nate: Yes.
Random Partygoer: Is that your [?] driver?
Nate: Yes.
Random Partygoer: Is this your house?
Nate: Yes.
Diana Payne (Liz Hurley): How about a tour?
Nate: Ah… yes. Absolutely.
Diana: This is a private tour.

Diana: So you collect?
Nate: Yes.
Diana: A Helmut Newton, right?
Nate: Yes.
Diana: Is that Lauren Hutton?
Nate: Yes.
Diana: Or is it Lisa Taylor?
Nate: Yes. How’d you know?
Diana: I have a good eye. And good taste. Is this the master bedroom? Let’s destroy it.

Nate: My best friend was right. Saying yes makes everything better.
Jane: Well based on my own recent experience I’d have to agree. Now it’s time for you to leave.
Nate: Well if that’s how you want to be about it, okay. But it is my house. Don’t you think you should be the one to go?
Jane: Actually, this is my house.

Jane: Nice to meet you by the way…
Nate: Nate.
Jane: Hm. That’s a great name.
Nate: And you are?
Jane: Done now.

Chuck: Serena, you accepted responsibility without hesitation for maybe the first time in your life. And Nate, you had more fun not being you than you’ve had actually being you. Which means you now know you need to change.
Serena: Is it just me, or is what he saying actually making sense?
Nate: Maybe we’re not awake yet.

Chuck: Nate, I know you think I must be dying inside because Blair is marrying another man, but we let each other go. So stop doing stuff like this and start focusing on yourself. And you. Even though this part of your journey may have come to an end, it showed you there’s a world out there that you never knew existed. One you want to be a part of.
Serena: Have you ever thought about writing a book?
Chuck: People like me don’t write books, they’re written about.

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Beauty and the Feast

Nate: I just can’t stop thinking about that woman from LA.
Chuck: It’s understandable, given your mother issues.

Nate: No, I have the address. I just need her name, okay? […] Then why are you called “information”?

Nate: I’d ask you how you’re summer’s going, but seeing you’re with Chuck I would guess “weird.”
Dan: Oh, it gets weirder. I found him paying some really rough dudes to fight him.

Doctor: I have a hard time believing anyone has that high a threshold for pain.
Nate: Yeah, well he’s probably self-medicating. You should see his medicine cabinet. Some of that stuff’s not even legal in Mexico. {Nate laughs… the doctor doesn’t} No, I was just kidding.
Doctor: He claimed he couldn’t feel me touching his ribs during the exam. If he’s taking that many drugs, someone needs to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t take anymore or do anything except rest. His injuries are bordering on dangerous.

Diana: Once you know how to control information you can do anything with it. Politics, banking. Whatever.
Nate: While that sounds great, I would have to get my family to approve me pulling out on this other thing.
Diana: Well just remind them what George did for JFK, Jr. See you at the office next week.

Gossip Girl: Watch out, Nate. Looks like sex play may not be the only game you’re a pawn in.

View all quotes from Beauty and the Feast

The Jewel of Denial

Nate: I came to work for you so I could establish myself outside of my family’s influence. Now if this is just some big joke to you I might as well take an internship that looks good on my resumé.
Diana: This is no joke. And I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.

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Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

Diana: If only we had Blair Waldorf’s phone.
Nate: I told you, she’s my friend and my friends are off-limits.
Diana: Morals. How quaint.

Nate: Why do you even hold on to that phone if you’re not going to answer it?
Diana: Because I don’t want to have to explain how I got it. I am too intrigued by our mysterious Ivy to just toss it away.

Nate: What are you guys doing here?
Blair: We must have all gotten the same text from Dan.
Rufus: The last time he was this secretive he showed up with a baby.
Chuck: Don’t worry, you’re not about to become a grandfather. Though Dan is about to give birth in another way.
Serena walking in: Okay, I’m pretty sure this is how every murder mystery begins.

Dan: Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.
Serena: I only have five minutes.
Blair: This better be really important.
Nate: What is this all about?
Lily: Is everything all right?
Charlie: This isn’t about me, right?
Rufus: Yeah. What’s going on, Dan?
Chuck: This is going to be fun.

Dan: I’m sorry to call everyone here on such short notice, but… Alright, you know how there’s been all this speculation about the book that’s being published by an anonymous author.
Nate: Yeah. Gossip Girl said it was about us.
Blair: Yeah, it was probably written by some loser who doesn’t even know us.
Dan: Well not exactly. I am that loser. I wrote it. And it is based on you. All of you. Sort of.

Nate: What’s so funny?
Lily: I think you should ask Dan.
Dan: Well I might have made your character a little…
Chuck: Gay.
Dan: I hope that’s okay. {to Chuck}. Stop enjoying this so much.
Chuck: You wanted me to feel something. That’s a feeling.
Nate: Do I have game?
Chuck: Oh definitely.
Nate: Huh. I’m cool with that.

Dan: I want to make it clear: this book is a work of fiction. And after you read it I hope you’ll feel good enough about it—and me—that, uh, you’ll come to this book party tonight. The publisher is announcing that I’m the author, so…
Nate: Yeah. Of course we’ll be there.
Dan: Well read it first. And then decide, because, you know, I didn’t have the chance to make changes and there were some instances where it’s not exactly how I would have wanted it.
Rufus: Well an artist never feels his work is perfect. It’s good to always strive for more. I am so proud of you, son.

Chuck: You spend extra time doing your hair tonight, Nathaniel?
Nate: Ha ha. I don’t mind that Dan made me gay.
Chuck: No, I was actually a little offended he didn’t make me gay. Personally I thought you’d be more annoyed being conflated with Eric.

View all quotes from Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

The Fasting and the Furious

Blair: Thank you for keeping my secret.
Beatrice: What are sisters for.

Nate: Listen, if we launch now everyone will know she’s talking about you.
Diana: Not necessarily.
Nate: No, it’s too big of a risk.

Nate: What are you going to do?
Chuck: Take an interest in what matters to Dr. Barnes. Shalom.

Charlie: This is the mother lode. The biggest secrets of the Upper East Side. Even one of these would not only launch the web site but blow Diana’s mind.
Nate: And my ethics. These are my friends. Now that I’ve actually done this, I don’t know what I was thinking.

Nate: These might be my friends but they’re your family. And you’re acting like you barely know them.

Charlie: And thanks again for helping me do nothing.
Nate: Well it was fun breaking into the safe.

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I Am Number Nine

Diana: Nate. Can I add one more thing to your to do list?
Nate: Definitely.

Nate: What, so you used me to get a story?
Charlie: The girl you’re seeing is your boss?

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The Big Sleep No More

Nate: Please tell me you’re not just getting home from yesterday. Did you spend all night with Zarkana again or what?
Chuck: Early morning charity event meeting.
Nate: Is that what you’re calling it now? Charity.

Charlie: You have a girlfriend.
Nate: Who schedules time with me as if it were a board meeting.
Charlie: And who is my boss.
Nate: Well maybe I want something more.
Diana: Charlie! My office.
Charlie: If you want more, ask for it. And do us both a favor and ask her, not me.

Chuck: Maybe we’re maturing too fast.
Nate: Which is why you’re back to playing Phantom of the Opera sex games?

Nate seeing Diana: Why don’t you go find the witches. They’re awesome. And I think I see Lady Macbeth.

Nate: So I don’t get it, you kissed Blair so she’d think you hadn’t changed?
Chuck: The only way for Blair to move on is if she thinks I never will. I had to kiss her to set her free.
Nate: That may be the most selfless thing you’ve ever done.
Chuck: I’ve never been more good and less happy about it.

Diana: Nate, you matter to me. A lot. I was just trying to be cool. You know that’s my thing. Although I’m beginning to see I may need a new thing. From now on, equals.
Nate: Just us. Together. Seeing what happens.

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All the Pretty Sources

Serena: Look, Nate, you need to put your feelings for Diana aside and think of the ramifications for releasing this. This would do way more harm than good.
Nate: But it’s our smoking gun.
Serena: That’s gonna shoot you, me and all of our friends in the foot.

Diana: Why don’t we just see how many of your friends you’ve betrayed over the years. {No posts found} You’ve never sent anything into her?
Nate: Guess not. It’s just not who I am.

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Rhodes to Perdition

Nate: Listen, I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you.
Tripp: Yeah, I doubt that. I’m sorry you’re enjoying every second of this.
Nate: I know our history isn’t exactly pristine, Tripp, but we’re still family.

William van der Bilt: I understand you’re upset by Maureen’s manipulations, but Tripp was completely in the dark about her antics with that river rescue. I’m sure this is the same now. This isn’t a story, it’s a family squabble. That could cost your cousin his career.
Nate: I’ll do the right thing, don’t worry.

Nate: I told you I’d do the right thing. I’m sorry if we have different versions of what that is.
William van der Bilt: I’m not here to reprimand you. You remind me of myself when I was my age.
Nate: Wait, you’re not angry that I alluded to Maureen?
William van der Bilt: You’re your own man, Nathaniel. I always loved you, but now I respect you too.

Nate: You still love her, huh?
Chuck: I can’t imagine the day I won’t.

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Riding in Town Cars with Boys

Chuck: You should know better than anyone, these stories are invented to sell papers to women who collect ceramic cats.
Nate: Still, maybe you should give her a call.
Chuck: Louis is the father of her child. There’s no way Blair’s walking away from that.

Nate: My grandfather just admitted to me that the only reason I have this job is because he bought the Spectator. Here I was, thinking I was doing great work and so proud of it, now I just feel like a total fraud.
Charlie: It doesn’t matter how you got here, Nate.

Serena: What’s he doing?
Nate: Looks like he’s helping Chuck and Blair finally be together.

Nate: Took you long enough. And I’m not talking about the walk from the lobby to here.

Nate: I spoke with the EMT who brought them in. He said it’s pretty bad.

Dan: So what do you want to do?
Serena: I want to finish what Diana started. I want to take Gossip Girl down for good.
Nate: I’m with you. I think we should use The Spectator to do it.

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The End of the Affair?

Serena: I hope you’re coming to the Spectator party tonight.
Dan: After Nate finally forgave me for diminishing him to half a Derek in my book? I’m not going to miss this chance to support him.

Nate: You know Inside didn’t make it into our Years Best Books list. I’m sorry, dude.
Dan: Well it’s probably best to keep it in 2011. It’s a new year, new book.
Nate: What’s this one about?
Dan: I don’t know yet. Which is why I haven’t started writing it yet.

Nate: Serena, there are thousands of unread messages here.
Serena: Yeah. I hoped if I ignored them long enough people would get the point. I guess they haven’t.

Nate: If you don’t start posting them they’ll go back to Gossip Girl. Or someone worse.
Serena: My blog is about my own experience, not using information to hurt people.
Nate: Yeah, well the least you can do is read them.

Serena: The photos of Dan and Blair made me realize it’s not the secrets that cause the problems, it’s the assumptions that people make about them.
Nate: So are you saying what I think you’re saying?
Serena: Yeah. I’m going to go through all the emails and see if there’s a positive way from me to use what’s in them.
Nate: You know what that means. You’re basically the new Gossip Girl.
Serena: New and improved.

Nate: Blair got in the wrong car that night. It says the car that crashed was the one ordered for me.

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Father and the Bride

Chuck: You look like hell. I assume this means you couldn’t find anything.
Nate: I’ve reread every piece in the Spectator since I started there and unless Christina Aguilera is mad about our baby bumper Mexican lunch article, I really don’t think there’s anything in here worth hurting me over.
Chuck: Gossip Girl didn’t offer to help?
Nate: Yeah, but only if I help her, whatever that means.
Chuck: Sometimes to get your needs met you need to choose an unsavory partner.
You know that might work for you at three in the morning on the Lower East Side, but it’s Gossip Girl.

Nate: Be careful. There’s a fine line between surveillance and stalking.
Chuck: Yeah. Getting caught. Which I don’t plan on doing.

Chuck: Blair was inside a church for half an hour.
Nate: Please tell me you didn’t follow her inside.
Chuck: Of course not. I didn’t want to risk blowing my cover. Or bursting into flames.

Serena: You wanted to see me?
Nate: Yeah. You’re fired.
Serena: Are you kidding?
Nate: You went behind my back and launched your column when I told you we weren’t ready.
Serena: Oh, we weren’t or Gossip Girl wasn’t? I saw her email.

William van der Bilt: I think we’ve heard enough. Thank you, Nate.
Nate: Oh, don’t thank me, thank Serena. It was her idea.
Tripp: What the hell’s going on?
Nate: Well we knew you wouldn’t admit to anything so Serena and I staged that little argument on Gossip Girl. We figured you’d try to pin the accident on someone else just like you did two years ago when you left Serena in that car.
Serena: Did you really think I’d talk to you again? Never mind take your side against Nate’s.
William van der Bilt: You were really going to try and pin this on Maureen?
Nate: I’m not pinning anything. It was Maureen.

William van der Bilt: You can’t possibly blame me for what happened?
Nate: You pitted us against each other our entire lives. Everything is a competition and the prize is your approval. It’s the great Van der Bilt tradition.
William van der Bilt: Well I’m sorry that you feel that way about your own family. And might I remind you that Diana Payne would never have given you that job at the Spectator if I hadn’t paid her to. You really think you can make it on your own?
Nate: I don’t know. But it’s the only way it’ll mean anything.

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G.G.

Dan: Who was that?
Nate: Someone I should have remembered. Maybe that’s my issue. I’m paying too much attention to the wrong girls and not enough to the right ones.
Dan: Well if we’re listing your issues i’m not sure I’d start with that one.

Serena: Nate was right about grand gestures. We all need to make them in our lives. So here’s mine: I love you, Dan Humphrey. Always have, always will.
Dan: Serena.
Serena: No. You don’t have to respond now.

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The Backup Dan

Lola Rhodes: You must be pretty desperate to flirt with me by doing manual labor.
Nate: What? This isn’t flirting. I’ve always wanted to load a catering van. One more thing to cross off my bucket list.

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Crazy, Cupid, Love

Dan: Blair’s trying to set me up with Serena, which reminded me I didn’t exactly have a great time in high school. So I’m not eager to relive it.
Nate: Before you say no, think about this. There’s gonna be grown women here dressed like school girls.
Dan: I know, I’m sorry. I can’t make it. If it makes you feel any better I will totally sign your yearbook.
Nate: No, it doesn’t.

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Despicable B

Nate: I think you dialed the wrong number. Obviously you meant to call your son and not me.
Diana: I know the news of me being Chuck’s mother must have come as rather a big surprise to you.
Nate: You think?
Diana: But it doesn’t have to ruin anything between us.
Nate: Except for the small fact that every time I look at you now I see a Bass in my face.

Nate: I don’t know. I never really saw myself as a “sleep with your best friend’s mother guy”.

Chuck: Nathaniel, were my ears playing tricks on me or did I hear you on the phone with a young lady earlier?
Nate: No, not exactly. your mother called to talk to me.
Chuck: Well I’m not sure which one of us this is more awkward for.
Nate: Neither am I! Between my history with Diana and now yours? It’s just too weird to be even in business with her. I would love to find some funding and possibly buy her out for good. You interested?
Chuck: Unfortunately I’m still trying to decide what kind of relationship I want with her. Which means I’m not ready to put her out of business just yet.
Nate: What your saying is, since I already screwed her—
Chuck: I don’t need to also.

Nate: What’d you find out?
Andrew: That the first record of our Diana Payne was three years ago. Before that it’s like she didn’t exist.
Nate: So if Diana Payne’s not her real name, how do we ever find out her story?

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Raiders of the Lost Art

Chuck: Was that Diana?
Nate: Yeah. Looking for her book. I played it clueless.
Chuck: Good. Because if she’s going to continue to lie to us and pretend to be my real mother I see no reason why we shouldn’t return the favor.

Lola: I’m just glad you finally believe me about Serena acting as Gossip Girl.
Nate: And I apologize again for ever having doubted you.
Lola: And for calling me a fame-whoring social climber?
Nate: Yeah. That too.

Lola: So what’s the plan? We can’t let Serena stay Gossip Girl.
Nate: Trust me, I know. It’s not good for anybody. Especially Serena.

Nate: Hello India.

Serena: My computer’s gone.
Lola: Gossip Girl. She took it.
Serena: What? How do you know that?
Nate: Because we set you up.

Serena: The old Gossip Girl hurt people but I’m different.
Nate: No you’re not, Serena. Just look at what’s happened to you. You’ve cut yourself off from everything and everyone you care about. That’s not right.
Serena: Neither is tricking me.
Nate: Yeah, well go ahead and blame me but I did this to help you. Not to hurt you. Either way it’s over, the real Gossip Girl is back.

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The Fugitives

Nate: I want you out of here. Today.
Diana: After all the fun we’ve had together?
Nate: What would people think if they knew about your side business?
Diana: Is that a threat? Because I am your main financial backer and we did sleep together. Sometimes right here in these very offices. So exposing me would only embarrass The Spectator. And you.
Nate: Then I’ll find another way.

Chuck: What have you done?
Serena: Okay, someone has to tell me what’s going on here.
Nate: We couldn’t let her get away without any consequences. She’s done nothing but deceive all of us, including you. It just wasn’t right.
Lola: Yeah, we’re sorry we messed up your deal but this was beyond business. It was personal.
Chuck: You have no idea how personal. I made that deal with her so she would help get my father out of hiding.
Serena: Your father. You mean Jack.
Chuck: Bart. He’s alive.

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The Return of the Ring

Chuck: I take it you’ve decided to have Lola move in for the summer.
Nate: She sleeps here every night, I want to see her every day. I figure why not.
Chuck: This place could use a woman’s touch.
Bart Bass (Robert John Burke): Couldn’t we all.

Lola: I got a job as a swing in the touring company of Wicked.
Nate: Swing. What’s that? Like a tart or a prop?
Lola: It’s like an understudy but for a lot of characters. Not exactly my dream but with my mom in jail it solves my housing problem.

Chuck: I’m off to meet Jack. It turns out my father cut him out of the company too.
Nate: I’m not surprised, but are you sure you want to partner with the guy?
Chuck: I need resources. I’m going to get back what I built and my father stole. Nobody knows resource management better than a vengeful Jack Bass.

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