Gossip Girl Dan Humphrey

Season 5

Yes, Then Zero

Dan: Dad! What are you doing here? I thought you’d still be in London helping Jenny set up St. Martin’s.
Rufus: She and Eric kicked me out when I didn’t know who Sierra Burton was, so I came back here early and thought I’d spend some time with you.

Dan: It’s Blair’s Save the Date.
Rufus: You’re not happy. You guys are still friends, right?
Dan: Yeah. Friends. I wonder if she invited Chuck.
Rufus: If he’s anywhere that FedEx can reach.

Jeremiah (Jay McInerney): Read an advance copy of a story that Vanity Fair is running in their next issue. Reminded me of your work. Only better.
Dan: Who wrote it?
Jeremiah: That’s the thing. No one knows. Totally anonymous. And everyone’s talking about it.
Dan: What’s the story about?
Jeremiah: It’s a little Wharton and a lot Wolfe. The modern misdoings of upper crust Manhattan. I thought of you because the protagonist’s name was Dylan Hunter of all thing. Initials being what they are.

Rufus: I don’t get it, why would Vanessa steal your story?
Dan: To teach me a lesson. Let’s just hope I’m wrong. Which {checks the manuscript} I’m not.

Rufus: Where are you going?
Dan: To find the one person who can help me stop this before it’s too late.

Dan: Blair is the one this story’s about. I swear to you, if the story ever sees the light of day, you are not going to be happy.

Dan: Blair. What are you doing here? Did Louis—
Blair: I didn’t know where else to go. I wasn’t going to come here. I haven’t talked to you all summer and you’re the only person I know in New York right now. And I really need a friend. If you’re still…
Of course I am. What’s going on?

Blair: I am about to call off my engagement. I can’t marry someone who doesn’t stand up for me. Not even to his own mother. And when I tell him it’s over, I’ll need to get away. To clear my head. You were in the Hamptons?
Dan: Ah, Amagansett. Cece’s house.
Blair: Is it empty? Take me there.
Dan: Okay.

Blair: I don’t understand, are you following me now?
Louis: No Blair.
Blair: Actually, it’s fine if you are. Because I can do this in person then.
Dan: Louis is not here for you.
Blair: He’s not? What the hell’s going on?
Dan: Louis didn’t meet you tonight because he was helping me.

Dan: Hey, what’s going on?
Rufus: Lily has another meeting with the decorator. She’s redecorated so many times that it looks exactly the same.

Dan: So now I just have to make sure the book that chapter comes from never sees the light of day.
Rufus: There’s a whole book?

View all quotes from Yes, Then Zero

Beauty and the Feast

Dan: I was wondering if you could share some of your bank-breaking secrets with me.
Serena: Well I thought you did all of your scheming with Blair.
Dan: No, she’s not speaking to me.

Dan: Don’t be too quick to option her life rights before you make sure she make on her meds.

Nate: I’d ask you how you’re summer’s going, but seeing you’re with Chuck I would guess “weird.”
Dan: Oh, it gets weirder. I found him paying some really rough dudes to fight him.

Dan: Blair, hey. Listen, I know you don’t want to see me now, probably not ever. But I’m not here to cause problems. I can’t say the same about Chuck. Have you seen him?
Blair: Walk with me.

Dan: What’s going on? Blair, I thought you were mad at me.
Blair: And you have my forgiveness if you shut up and guard the door.
Dan: It’s not like you to forgive me, or run away from a feast. Might this have something to do with you sleeping with Chuck?
Blair: How in the world did you know that? Forget it, I don’t even have time to care. What don’t you understand about “guard the door”?
Dan: I can’t believe that I thought you changed last year. And since you didn’t, Chuck is now going off the deep end trying to get your attention. Again.
Blair: No. Now that’s where you’re wrong. Whatever he’s doing isn’t about me. He was the who told me to marry Louis. And he meant it.

Blair: Now you’re going to be sorry you didn’t guard.
Dan: Woah. You’re gonna go? With me in here? I’m not sure our friendship can handle that.
Blair: Friendship is a tenuous term. Now be a gentleman and run the water.

Dan: Blair, this isn’t a joke. We are not leaving this room until you agree to get help.
Blair: I don’t need help. I’m not bulimic. I’m pregnant.

Blair: Beatrice. You have to understand, it’s still so early. I didn’t want to get Louis’ hopes up if things weren’t okay. I was going to tell him.
Louis walking up: What were you going to tell me?
Beatrice: About her wonderful idea, Louis.
Blair: I have so many.
Dan: Mm.

Dan: Hey! I’m not part of his payment plan.
Thug: Sorry. Mr. Bass said nothing should stop us except his safe word.
Dan: Well his is serious. He could die.
Chuck: All this be madness, yet there is some method in it. {he gets kicked again} Guess that wasn’t the safe word.
Dan: Chuck. Chuck. Tell them to stop.
Chuck: Okay. Fine. “Stop.” {they take off}
Dan: Stop? Really? That’s it?

Chuck: I wasn’t trying to kill myself.
Dan: Then what the hell were you doing?
Chuck: I was hoping it would hurt.
Dan: What, to dull the pain of losing Blair?
Chuck: That’s what you don’t understand. I feel nothing when I see her and Louis. Or when I jump off a building or when I crash a motorcycle. Even you don’t irritate me.
Dan: Well having these guys beat you up isn’t the way to fix anything. You could have died.
Chuck: Is being dead that much worse than being nothing?

Dan: Well how about instead of pain you try to feel good things. I could tickle you.
Chuck: I’d rather hire someone else to do that, thank you.

Chuck: Forgive me for stating the obvious, but isn’t being published a writer’s goal?
Dan: Not for this book. It’s a scathing social satire. About everyone I know, including you.
Chuck: The return of Charlie Trout.

Dan: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’re starting to like Brooklyn.
Blair: It isn’t Brooklyn I’m here for. You’re the only person I can have a furtive, emotionally-loaded conversation with right now. How’s Chuck?
Dan: Ah… he’s okay. Sort of. A long, Freudian story. How are you?
Blair: Pregnant. That makes it sound more real. I had hoped denial would last longer as a coping mechanism, but breast tenderness and morning sickness made that impossible.
Dan: You know, you do have options.
Blair: And I’ve considered them all. But no matter what, this baby was conceived out of love and… I’m gonna keep it.

Dan: Um, have you not told Louis because it might be Chuck’s?

Dan: Even Blair Waldorf can not bend DNA to her will.

Blair: I am about to marry a fabulous man. Who happens to be a prince. I can’t be this close to having all my dreams come true only to have them yanked away by one transgression at a stranger’s Bar Mitzvah.
Dan: I know it’s scary, but I think you should know who the father is. If not for yourself then for the baby.
Blair: And what if I loss everything?
Dan: You’ll still have me.

View all quotes from Beauty and the Feast

The Jewel of Denial

Dorota: We have problem. Doctor’s office call four times to say paternity test ready for pick-up. Miss Blair say she busy, but reading Grace Kelly biography all day is not busy, is denial.
Dan: When does Louis get back from his trip?
Dorota: Tonight! And Miss Blair had promised us that she find out who baby daddy is before he get home.
Dan: All right, I have a couple things to do this morning but when I am done I will march her to the doctor’s office myself if I have to.

Chuck: I suffer through mediocre sex with an editor’s assistant to find out who’s publishing your book and this is how you thank me?
Dan: Chuck, you felt nothing after Field of Dreams. So I’m taking it to the next level. If that movie can’t make you feel, maybe this little guy can.

Noah Shapiro: So Dan Humphrey wrote an actual novel. And I was convinced you’d remain an epic disappointment.
Dan: Well I never intended to publish it.

Blair: I can’t face the press if I’ve just heard unsettling news. I need to look like Grace Kelly, not Grace Cottington.
Dan: I have to manage some business of my own, but go do your interview. I’ll meet you back at your apartment.
Blair: That is much more civilized. Unlike your hair, Humphrey. You look like a muppet.

Dan: Blair, we need to talk. Mind if I take over from here?
Simon Doonan: Not at all.
Blair: Well I mind. Humphreys are not escort material.

Dan: Dorota pieced this together. Apparently she’s broken quote a few things in your home you don’t know about.

Dan: Blair, I’m sorry. I was totally out of line. The truth is I think I’ve been using you to avoid facing some problems of my own. I promised to hold your hand but maybe I’ve been forcing it.
Blair: No. I turned to you, Dan. Because I knew you were the only one who would protect me from my own worst instincts.
Dan: For what it’s worth, when Georgina showed up on my doorstep and told me she was pregnant, I mean the last thing I wanted to be was a father. But then Milo was born and I fell in love with him. Chuck or Louis. It’ll be the same for either of them.
Blair: And if I open that envelope, will you be able to hide from your problems then?
Dan: I think if you have the courage to face your future then I should have the courage to face mine. {He hands her the envelope and gives her some privacy.}

View all quotes from The Jewel of Denial

Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

Dan: Quick question: how big can my head get before it explodes?
Alessandra: Half the buys are probably Upper East Siders dying to see if they’re in it.
Dan: Yeah. Some of my friends might feel they are.
Alessandra: They’re coming tonight, right?
Dan: To the book party? No. I haven’t exactly mentioned it to them yet. But I’d have to tell them the book exists first.
Alessandra: They don’t know? Not any of them?
Dan: No. I’m not sure they’re going to like it when they find out.
Alessandra: If they’re really your friends they’ll be happy to see your star rise. And they should be at the soirée tonight. When everybody learns that Anonymous is actually Daniel Humphrey.

Dan: I’m going to need six copies of this book. They should probably be hand-delivered.

Dan: Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.
Serena: I only have five minutes.
Blair: This better be really important.
Nate: What is this all about?
Lily: Is everything all right?
Charlie: This isn’t about me, right?
Rufus: Yeah. What’s going on, Dan?
Chuck: This is going to be fun.

Dan: I’m sorry to call everyone here on such short notice, but… Alright, you know how there’s been all this speculation about the book that’s being published by an anonymous author.
Nate: Yeah. Gossip Girl said it was about us.
Blair: Yeah, it was probably written by some loser who doesn’t even know us.
Dan: Well not exactly. I am that loser. I wrote it. And it is based on you. All of you. Sort of.

Nate: What’s so funny?
Lily: I think you should ask Dan.
Dan: Well I might have made your character a little…
Chuck: Gay.
Dan: I hope that’s okay. {to Chuck}. Stop enjoying this so much.
Chuck: You wanted me to feel something. That’s a feeling.
Nate: Do I have game?
Chuck: Oh definitely.
Nate: Huh. I’m cool with that.

Dan: I want to make it clear: this book is a work of fiction. And after you read it I hope you’ll feel good enough about it—and me—that, uh, you’ll come to this book party tonight. The publisher is announcing that I’m the author, so…
Nate: Yeah. Of course we’ll be there.
Dan: Well read it first. And then decide, because, you know, I didn’t have the chance to make changes and there were some instances where it’s not exactly how I would have wanted it.
Rufus: Well an artist never feels his work is perfect. It’s good to always strive for more. I am so proud of you, son.

Blair: So. now that this unnecessary meeting about America’s future doorstop is adjourned, do you want to go grab a cup of decaf?
Serena: I would love to, B, but I’m already late for work. I’ve gotta get back.
Blair: Well maybe after work then.
Serena: If this is about the book, don’t worry. Everyone loves a villain.
Dan: I wouldn’t say there’s a villain, per se.
Blair: Well I can tell you who isn’t.
Serena: Come on, every girl needs to be knocked off her pedestal a little. Can’t handle that kind of pressure. I’ll see you later.

Dan: Um, you know that story I wrote that Louis killed.
Blair: It’s in the book. Yeah, I figured. But if it’s all the same to you, I think I’d like to stay in the dark about just how nastily you’ve portrayed me.
Dan: Yeah, that’s a good idea. You know, we’re just recently friends again. Why ruin a good thing.
Blair: Yep. And, ah, I’m sorry in advance, but I have a better offer than your party tonight. Louis and I are telling our families the news.
Dan: Good luck.
Blair: You too. Your novel seems to be very well-punctuated and I… like the font.

Dan: Thanks for letting me hang here, man.
Chuck: I enjoy watching you squirm. Scotch?
Dan: It’s like two pm.
Chuck: Valium then?

Dan: Why aren’t you mad at me? Your character dies. Accidentally, but it’s not a happy ending.
Chuck: On the contrary. Although clearly fiction. I’d never use a belt. I’d use a chartreuse scarf. Much softer.

Chuck: Success comes at a price. The artist must stand alone to observe the crowd, right?
Dan: That’s funny. Vanessa said the same thing.

Serena: Is this what you’ve been trying to tell me all day?
Blair: No, because it never happened. {to Louis} It never happened!
Louis: I don’t believe a word you say! You said yourself that Dan has no imagination.
Dan: Okay, thanks. But Louis, it didn’t happen.

Blair: You’d better hope I can stop your fantasy life from destroying my real one.
Dan: Blair, I never wanted us to come between you too.
Blair: When are you going to get it through your head? There’s no us! There never was. There’s nothing here but friendship, and even that’s gone now.

Dan: I’m sorry you’re not hurt.
Serena: No, not hurt. Mystified. In high school, you were the only one who saw me for who I really was. Or who I wanted to be. You helped me be somebody that I was more proud of.
Dan: I didn’t know.

Dan: If you can’t tell the difference between what I did to Blair and what I did to you, then maybe your portrayal in the book is more accurate than you thought.
Serena: That sounds exactly like something Dylan Hunter would say.

Dan: Hey Dad.
Rufus: Your reviews. I guess you have a lot of reading to do today.

Dan: Is everything okay?
Rufus: Well last night was your big night. I didn’t want to ruin it for you.
Dan: Well it kind of went down on its own. What’s going on? Did you not like the book?
Rufus: Of course I did, you’re a beautiful writer. It just… broke my heart.
Dan: Dad.
Rufus: I gave up my career to raise you and I never regretted it, not once. Until yesterday when I read what you really think about it. A has-been turned trophy husband who married for money.
Dan: No, that is not what I think of you. You more than anybody should understand artistic license.
Rufus: I never expected to be your hero. I just didn’t think I’d end up the fool.

View all quotes from Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

The Fasting and the Furious

Chuck: Humphrey, I’m feeling like my old self again.
Dan: Me too. Although not in a good way. I really thought the days of everyone turning their backs on me were over.
Chuck: Well, at last this time it’s because they hate you and not because they don’t know you exist. Be patient. Soon your literary misdeeds will be forgotten.

Serena: I may have overreacted about how you portrayed me in the book.
Dan: Thank you so much. You know I have to admit it’s been kind of hard. My dad and Nate and Blair still won’t talk to me.
Serena: Well things are looking up then. One down, three to go.
Dan: Never thought you’d be the first.
Serena: I am full of surprises. You know that.

Alessandra: Public television is the last bastion of the intellectual. If this goes well, Charlie Rose could be next.
Dan: Oh, that’s a good tactic. Piling on the pressure right before your already-prone-to-nervous-rambling client goes on live television for the first time.

Serena: I followed Jane all the way done to her town car apologizing, and even then I don’t think it was enough. Thank you for waiting.
Dan: I didn’t want to. You scared away everyone, and now no one wants the book.
Serena: Dan—
Dan: Your apology this morning was just strategic, wasn’t it?
Serena: Yeah. Pretty much.

Serena: I finally finished the book.
Dan: I told you, it’s not you. Yes, there are parts of you. And Daisy Buchanan. And Amy March. And Gwyneth Paltrow. Five different roles she’s played. But it’s a novel. It’s inspired by a lot of things. It isn’t speaking to some deeper truth.
Serena: Are you sure? Because I know this may sound crazy or selfish or… like I’m living in the past or something. But you were the love of my life, Dan. I don’t know, I just thought I was yours too.

Dan: Without you inspiring me from the beginning I wouldn’t have been able to write anything, so I owe you one. And despite the events of the day, you know, I trust you. I do have one condition: I want to write the screenplay.

View all quotes from The Fasting and the Furious

I Am Number Nine

Diana: Nate. Can I add one more thing to your to do list?
Nate: Definitely.
Gossip Girl: To christening your boss’ new desk. Landing on your first bestseller list—
Dan: Number nine. Inside by Daniel Humphrey. What did Lincoln Hawk’s first single debut at?
Rufus: Eight. Ah, but don’t pay too much attention to that stuff that was the 90s.

Serena: So Mr. Screenwriter, are you ready for your first development meeting?
Dan: I think so. As long as you guys don’t want to change the ending. Or the beginning. Or all the stuff in the middle.

Jane: We’d love if you could open up the world of the Upper East Side a little bit more.
Natalie: Rich people are so hard to like. Maybe you could add someone more relatable.
Dan: I thought I did that already.
Serena: I think Dan is referring to his main character, Dylan Hunter. He’ll appeal to everyone. He starts off as an innocent from Brooklyn.
Jane: Who quotes Hawthorne and screens Fellini films? I don’t think so.

Dan: Whatever Jane sent you here to say, why don’t you just say it.
Serena: Well we both think that you should waive your right to write the script.
Dan: Why would I do that?
Serena: Because if you write it your project will be stuck in development hell.

Dan: But how can I guarantee that she’s not just going to screw it up?
Serena: Because I won’t let her. She may not know this world, but I do. And I will protect your story and you.
Gossip Girl: Careful, S.
Dan: I have your word?
Serena: You have my word.
Gossip Girl: Everybody knows the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And shady bosses.

Jane: Inside will be the next Social Network. We’re gonna Zuckerberg him.
Serena: Jane, this is unfair.
Jane: I prefer to let the audience decide what’s fair or not.
Serena: Dan is not like that. Why don’t I put a dinner on the books for all of us and this way you’ll see.
Jane: The next time I see Dan will be at Cannes when I’m shaking his grateful hand on the dais.

Jane: Did you already tell him we got Sorkin to write movie?
Dan: What? No. That’s incredible.
Jane: I know. Now your character will talk even faster than you do.

Dan: I was hoping we could talk more about the movie.
Jane: What movie. It’s dead. If you want to know why, talk to your friend Serena.

Dan: The movie’s dead, Dad. It’s over. I’m done.

View all quotes from I Am Number Nine

The Big Sleep No More

Rufus: People who still go to book stores are real readers. They don’t care if a book’s on some best-whatever list.
Dan: Yeah, it seems that way. Turn out’s been great.

Dan: It was one thing to feel like my book wasn’t exactly appreciated in the Upper East Side—I expected that—but then the readings on the tour, they were less and less full. In Hartford I think like ten people showed up, and half of them were there to get out of the rain. My book is a failure, Dad. I’m a failure.

View all quotes from The Big Sleep No More

All the Pretty Sources

Dan: “As for number two, in high school D. got left off the list because no one knew who he was. Now it’s because they know too well. Looks like Lonely Boy needs to change his name to Banished Boy.” {Lily and Rufus laugh} Really, guys? Thank you for the support.
Lily: Well listen, I mean at least they’re still talking about you. If they weren’t I’d start worrying.
Dan: Well that might happen soon since Inside is off the bestsellers list.

Dan: Well I think I’ll pass on watching you guys set up for a party that I’m not invited to.

Dan: You’re the new and improved Chuck Bass. I thought you could help me overhaul my image.
Chuck: You’re willing to get a haircut and change your clothes?
Dan: No.
Chuck: Then I’m not sure what I can do.

Dan: I never pegged you for a Matrix fan.
Chuck: Something I learned early on: never watch A Clockwork Orange stoned. It takes your mind places it has no business going.

Chuck: Why don’t you tell me why you antagonized Blair at her own wedding shower?
Dan: I was just trying to take some action, man, like you said. But it didn’t work.
Chuck: Let’s be clear. I told you to get some ass, not make one of yourself. It wasn’t until I saw you confronting Blair that I realized I had it all wrong.
Dan: Wa— Had what wrong?
Chuck: You’re in love with her.

View all quotes from All the Pretty Sources

Rhodes to Perdition

Rufus: That’s it. I stayed quiet while you crashed bridal showers and skipped out of book tours. I was hoping with enough time and support you’d realize that even though your book didn’t do as well as you’d hoped, you still had your whole future ahead of you. Being a shut-in is not bouncing back.
Dan: I was defending my honor.
Rufus: It’s time to leave Inside behind. And go outside.

Alessandra: If it makes you feel better, there’s a Twitter called HumphreyLove too.
Dan: That’s me.
Alessandra: Sorry. I should have recognized your scalpel-sharp deprecation.
Dan: I have over a thousand followers.
Alessandra: Let’s hope they bought books.

View all quotes from Rhodes to Perdition

Riding in Town Cars with Boys

Charlie: It’s way too generous. Especially after everything I put you guys through with Max.
Lily: Oh please. That was not your fault. That young man had a lot of problems.
Dan: Hm. No wonder Serena was so into him.

Dan: I’m starting to understand the appeal of heroin or womanizing or whatever it is that writers do when they can’t write.
Serena: It’s hard to find inspiration when you’re not trashing your friends, huh?
Dan: Well at least I don’t have the added pressure of it being turned into a movie. So thank you for that.

Serena: That’s great about the second print of Inside. You’ll be able to figure out the afterword.
Dan: I’m not so sure though. I’ve never been stuck like this before.
Serena: What? It seems like an amazing opportunity to see how the book changed you, how it changed everyone.
Dan: Did it really change anyone?
Serena: Yes! Seeing where our characters ended made us realize exactly where we didn’t want to be. nate didn’t want to be half a person and now he’s running The Spectator. And Chuck went from dying alone to therapy.
Dan: What about you?
Serena: Well I thought I’d change my ending by getting the job with Jane or this blog, but the truth is I’m still making horrible decisions in my love life.

Dan: Blair’s getting married and having a baby with Louis. And if she wasn’t with Louis she’d be with Chuck, not me.
Rufus: Maybe. Even if Blair doesn’t feel the same way, it might be worth it for you to tell her how you feel. At least so you can move on.

Gossip Girl: I guess it’s time for me to accept that if you want something badly enough you have to go out and get it yourself.
Dan: Hey, I was wondering what you were doing today.
Blair: Coming to stay with you, actually.
Dan: Uh… okay.
Gossip Girl: Watch out, kids. The end of me just might turn out to be the end of one of you.

Dan: I saw your photo in the paper. Is everything okay?
Blair: Everything is horrible. I need to go to Louis and reassure him that he’s never going to lose me but something is stopping me.
Dan: Chuck is stopping you.
Blair: No. I haven’t even spoken to Chuck.
Dan: You don’t have to. You have some strange force field effect on each other. Physicists should study it.

Blair: I’ll start with Chuck. Pros: he truly has become a good man.
Dan: Cons: he’s slept with every woman in New York. It could get a little awkward at dinner parties.
Blair: Sometimes fun. Don’t judge.

Serena: Telling her your feelings is not going to change your ending, it’s just going to mess with hers.
Dan: Well listen, the fact is, this doesn’t concern you at all. I’m going to talk to Blair. And even if it’s the biggest kami kaze disaster of my life, it’s my disaster—it’s my ending. So please, stay out of it.

Dan: What do you really want?
Blair: To be happy. But I don’t think I know how to anymore.
Dan: Well I think I know how to make you happy.

Dan: You were right. She didn’t need my confession, she needed my help.
Serena: Wow. That’s a really amazing thing to do, Dan.
Dan: Yeah well. It wasn’t easy. But I do think that I can give myself a new ending by making sure Chuck and Blair get the ending they deserve. I want her to be happy.

Dan: So what do you want to do?
Serena: I want to finish what Diana started. I want to take Gossip Girl down for good.
Nate: I’m with you. I think we should use The Spectator to do it.

View all quotes from Riding in Town Cars with Boys

The End of the Affair?

Chuck: Hello, Daniel.
Dan: What are you doing here? In Brooklyn. In the rain. At night.

Chuck: Did you know Blair was back in town?
Dan: No. I mean, I live in Brooklyn. Without Gossip Girl I know nothing.

Serena: I hope you’re coming to the Spectator party tonight.
Dan: After Nate finally forgave me for diminishing him to half a Derek in my book? I’m not going to miss this chance to support him.

Nate: You know Inside didn’t make it into our Years Best Books list. I’m sorry, dude.
Dan: Well it’s probably best to keep it in 2011. It’s a new year, new book.
Nate: What’s this one about?
Dan: I don’t know yet. Which is why I haven’t started writing it yet.

Dan: There you are. Do you know how many brides I had to peek in on to find you? Blair: Yes, it is possible to lose too much weight before the wedding. Not you, though. You look perfect.

Blair: Don’t go all Notebook on me. Not now. I need you.
Dan: Hey, you have me. Alright?

Dan: You’re the most accomplished liar I know. Except maybe Jenny, but you trained her.
Blair: This is different.
Dan: Well maybe, but Blair, what is a lifetime of blackmailing authority figures and casting out townies if it doesn’t add up to the ability to at least feign a marginal level of happiness at an office party.

Dan: I swear to you, we are not having an affair.
Chuck: Then what the hell are you doing?
Serena: He’s having a relationship with me.

Dan: Well now that you’re my date, can I get you a drink?

Dan: Hey. Listen, I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you about Serena and me, but we didn’t want our families to know, and you’re kind of like her brother.
Chuck: So are you.

Serena: The photos of Dan and Blair made me realize it’s not the secrets that cause the problems, it’s the assumptions that people make about them.
Nate: So are you saying what I think you’re saying?
Serena: Yeah. I’m going to go through all the emails and see if there’s a positive way from me to use what’s in them.
Nate: You know what that means. You’re basically the new Gossip Girl.
Serena: New and improved.

View all quotes from The End of the Affair?

Father and the Bride

Dan: This fake relationship is costing me a lot of money. I know that Blair asked us to stay together to keep Louis from getting suspicious, but I mean coffee in Brooklyn is half the price and it tastes better.
Serena: Well haven’t you learned if you want the world to think you’re doing something you have to do it on Madison Avenue. And eight dollar cappuccinos are the price you pay.

Simon/Schuster Guy: Your fans are crying out for a sequel to Inside. Frankly, so’s your publisher.
Dan: Yeah, I mean I don’t know who’s interested in hearing that story anymore.
Simon/Schuster Guy: Well your girlfriend Serena’s article about you two went up less than an hour ago and there are already over a thousand comments.
Dan: Um. Yeah, I was really hoping to stretch on this one.
Simon/Schuster Guy2: Then take a yoga class.

Rufus: You guys are the new hot couple. You should enjoy it.
Dan: But we’re not dating. We’re just faking it to protect Blair’s engagement.
Rufus: Okay. I’m not even going to ask you to fill me in, instead I’m going to just assume there’s a long royal explanation.
Dan: You know me well. And Blair.

Dan: While we’re alone, there’s something I need to say.
Serena: Are you fake breaking up with me?

Thank you for writing my vows. It’ll be our secret. —Louis

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