Let’s Kill Hitler

The Doctor holds up a newspaper: “Leadworth’s crop circle”
The Doctor: Seriously?
Rory: Well you never answer your phone.

Amy: Okay, you’ve had all summer. Have you found her? Have you found Melody?
The Doctor to Rory: Permission?
Rory: Granted.
The Doctor hugging Amy: You know who she grows up to be, so you know I will find her.
Amy: But you haven’t yet.

Rory: Hang on, what’s this bit? {he points to the line through the word “Doctor”}
Amy: That wasn’t us.

Mels (Nina Toussaint-White): You said he was funny. You never said he was hot.
Rory: Mels!
Amy: What are you doing here?
Mels: Following you. What do you think?
Rory: Um. Where did you get the car?
Mels: It’s mine… ish.
Amy: Oh Mels. Not again.
Rory: You can’t keep doing this. You’re gonna end up in prison.

The Doctor: Sorry. Hello. Doctor not following this. Doctor very lost. You never said I was hot?

Mels: Is that the phonebox? The “bigger on the inside” phone box. Time travel. That’s just brilliant. Yeah. I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m their best mate.
The Doctor: Then why don’t I know you? I danced with everyone at their wedding. The women were all brilliant. The men were a bit shy.
Mels: I don’t do weddings. {sirens are fast approaching} And that’s me, out of time.
Amy: Mels!
Rory: For gods sake!
Amy: What are you doing?
Mels: I need out of here now.
The Doctor: Anywhere in particular?
Mels: Well let’s see. You’ve got a time machine, I’ve got a gun. What the hell. Let’s kill Hitler.

A Long Time Ago in Leadworth…

Young Mels (Maya Glace-Green): Is he hot?
Amelia Pond (Caitlin Blackwood): No, he’s funny.
Young Mels: But how can he travel in time?
Amelia Pond: ‘Cause he’s got a time machine, stupid.

Young Rory (Ezekiel Wigglesworth): I thought we were playing hide-and-seek. I’ve been hiding for hours.
Amelia: Well. We just haven’t found you yet.
Young Rory: Okay.

Teacher (Tor Clark): Mels, did you not understand the question? I’m asking you why the Titanic sank.
Mels: Because The Doctor didn’t save it. Except you don’t know about The Doctor because you’re stupid.

Amelia: Why are you always in trouble? You’re the most in trouble in the whole school except for boys.
Mels: And you?
Amelia: I count as a boy.

Mels: It’s all right for you. You’ve got Mr. Perfect keeping you right.
Amy: He’s not even real. Just a stupid dream when I was a kid.
Mels: I wasn’t talking about him.
Amy: What, Rory? How have I “got” Rory?
Rory: Yeah. How has she “got” me?
Amy: He’s not mine.
Rory: No. No. I’m not hers.
Mels: Come on. Seriously. It’s got to be you two. Oh cut to the song, it’s getting boring.
Amy: Nice thought, okay? But completely impossible.
Rory: Yeah. Impossible.
Amy: I’d love to. He’s gorgeous. He’s my favorite guy. But he’s, you know— Gay.
Rory: —a friend. {to Amy} I’m not gay.
Amy: Yes you are.
Rory: No. No I’m not.
Amy: Of course you are, don’t be stupid. In the whole time I’ve known you, when have you shown the slightest interest in a girl?
Mels: Penny in the air.
Amy: I mean I’ve known you for what, ten years? I’ve seen you practically every day. Name one girl you’ve paid the slightest bit of attention to. {Rory runs out of the room}. Oh my god. Rory. {she runs after him}.
Mels: And the penny drops.

The Doctor: You shot it! You shot my TARDIS! You shot the console!
Mels: It’s your fault!
The Doctor: How is it my fault?
Mels: You said guns didn’t work in this place. You said we’re in a state of temporal grace.
The Doctor: Oh that was a clever lie, you idiot! Anyone could tell that was a clever lie!

Berlin, 1938

Carter (Richard Dillane): Okay, do we like him?
Anita (Amy Cudden): Costume wants to know about the suit.
Carter: Just color and shape. Don’t need anything detachable.
Jim (Davood Ghadami): Musculature good to go.
Carter: That was quick.
Jim: They’re showing off. Art department wanted to craft skin tone.
Harriet (Ella Kenion): Yes I do. I don’t trust the sensors, I want to take a look myself.
Jim: We’re in a hurry. We’re not trying to win an award.
Harriet: Yeah, that’s what you said when we made Rasputin green.

Antibody: Welcome. You are unauthorized. Your death will now be implemented.
Carter: Harriet, have you updated your privileges?
Harriet: Yes. ‘Course I have. {to the antibody} Look. I’m staff, see? Look. Staff.
Antibody: You are authorized. Your existence will continue.

Carter: Who is he?
Anita: Herrick Zimmerman. Loyal member of the Nazi party. Guilty of category three hate crimes.
Carter: Well then. Leave him to the antibodies.

Antibody: Welcome. You are unauthorized. Your death will now be implemented. Welcome. You will experience a tingling sensation and then death. Remain calm while your life is extracted.

Adolf Hitler (Albert Welling): What do you want? Who let you in here?
Robot Zimmerman (Philip Rham): Do not call for help. This room has been soundscreened. You have been found guilty. Justice mode activating.
Jim: Hang on. This is 1938. We’re too early. We need to go later in his time stream.
Anita: Something else. We’ve got incoming.
Carter: On screen. {the TARDIS appears} What the hell is that?!

The Doctor: Out! Out! Out! Everybody out! Don’t need to smoke to death. Get out!
Amy: Where are we?
Rory: A room. A war room!
The Doctor: I don’t know what room. I haven’t memorized every room in the universe yet. I had yesterday off.

The Doctor: Mels, don’t go in there. Bad smoke, don’t breath the bad, bad smoke. Bad deadly smoke. Because somebody shot my TARDIS!
Rory: Doctor, this guy. I think he’s hurt.

The Doctor: Oo! Hello. Sorry. Is this your office? Had a sort of collision with my… vehicle. Fault’s on both sides, let’s say no more about— {sees Hitler} it.
Amy: Is that? No, it can’t be, Doctor.
Adolf Hitler: Thank you. Whoever you are. I think you have just saved my life.
The Doctor: Believe me. It was an accident.

Amy: What did he mean we just saved his life? We could not have just saved Hitler.
The Doctor: You see? Time travel. It never goes to plan.

Hitler: This box, what is it?
The Doctor: It’s a police telephone box from London, England. That’s right, Adolf. The British are coming.

Hitler: He was going to kill me.
Rory: Shut up, Hitler.
The Doctor: Rory, take Hitler and put him in that cupboard over there. Now. Do it.
Rory: Right. Putting Hitler in the cupboard. Cupboard. Hitler. Hitler. Cupboard. Come on.
Hitler: But I am the Führer!
Rory: Right. In you go.

Anita: Sir, what do we do now?
Jim: Suggestion. We should go into surveillance mode.
Carter: Agreed. Let’s
faint.

Rory: I think he just fainted.
The Doctor: Yes, that was a faint. A perfect feint.

Amy: Mels?
Mels: Hitler.
The Doctor: What about him?
Mels: Lousy shot. {she collapses}

Jim: Sir, that blue box. I’ve got a match. If we’re trying to bag war criminals, we’ve got the biggest one ever right under our noses. Forget Hitler. We take this one down the Justice Department will give us the rest of the year off.
Carter: You sure?
Jim: There’s no question. It’s her.

Mels: When I was little I was going to marry you.
The Doctor: Good idea. Let’s get married. You stay alive and I’ll marry you. Deal? Deal?
Mels: Shouldn’t you ask my parents’ permission?
The Doctor: As soon as you’re well I’ll get them on the phone.
Mels: Might as well do it now. Since they’re both right here. {silence} Penny in the air. Penny drops.
Rory: What the hell’s going on?
The Doctor: Back back back! Get back!
Mels: Last time I did this, I ended up a toddler… in the middle of New York.
Amy: Okay, Doctor. Explain what is happening, please.
The Doctor: Mels. Short for.
Mels: Melody.
Amy: Yeah, I named my daughter after her.
The Doctor: You named your daughter after your daughter.
Mels: Took me years to find you two. I’m so glad I did. There, you see? It all worked out in the end, didn’t it? You got to raise me after all.
Amy: You’re Melody.
Rory: But if she’s Melody, that means that she’s also—
Mels: Oh shut up, Dad. I’m focusing on a dress size. {she regenerates into…}

River Song: Right. Let’s see then. Oo. It’s all going on down there, isn’t it? {checking} I have hair! The hair! It just doesn’t stop, does it? Look at that! Everything changes! Oh but I love it. I love it! I’m all sort of… mature. Hello Benjamin.
The Doctor mouthing: Benjamin?
River Song: The teeth. The teeth! The teeth! Oh look at them! {she runs up to the Doctor} Watch out that bow tie. Excuse me, you lot. I need to weigh myself. {she runs off}

Amy: That’s Melody.
Rory: That’s River Song.
River: Who’s River Song?
The Doctor: Spoilers.
River: Spoilers? What’s spoilers? Hang on, just something I have to check.

Rory: Does anybody else find this day just a bit difficult? I’m getting a sort of banging in my head.
Amy: Yeah, I think that’s Hitler in the cupboard.
Rory: That’s not helping.
The Doctor: This isn’t the River Song we know yet. This is her right at the start. She doesn’t even know her name.
River: Oh, that’s magnificent! I’m gonna wear lots of jodhpurs.

Carter: That’s her all right. Melody Pond. The woman who kills the Doctor.

River: Well enough of all that. Down to business.
The Doctor: Oh hello. I thought we were getting married.
River: I told you, I’m not a wedding person.
Rory: Doctor, what’s she doing?
The Doctor: What she’s programmed to.
Rory: Yeah but where’d she get the gun.
The Doctor: “Hello, Benjamin.”
River: You noticed. {she fires an empty gun}
The Doctor: Of course I noticed. As soon as I knew you were coming I tidied up a bit.
River: I know you did.
The Doctor: I know you know. {she pulls a banana on him}
River: Goodness. Is killing you going to take all day?
The Doctor: Why? You busy?
River: Oh, I’m not complaining.
The Doctor: If you were in a hurry you could have killed me in the corn field.
River: We’d only just met. I’m a psychopath. I’m not rude.
Amy: You are not a psychopath! {to the Doctor} Why would she be a psychopath?
River: Oh mummy, mummy, pay attention. I was trained and conditioned for one purpose. I was born to kill the Doctor.
The Doctor: Demon’s Run. Remember? This is what they were building. My bespoke psychopath.
River: I’m all yours, sweetie. {she kisses him}
The Doctor: Only River Song gets to call me that.
River: And who’s River Song?
The Doctor: An old friend of mine.
River: Stupid name.

River: Look at that. Berlin on the eve of war. A whole world about to tear itself apart. Now that’s my kind of town. Mum, Dad, don’t follow me. And yes, that is a warning.
The Doctor: Fair warning from me then.
River: No need, my love. The deed is done. And so are you. {The Doctor stumbles}
Amy: Doctor, what’s wrong?
The Doctor: What have you done? River?
River: Oh, River River River. More than a friend I think.
The Doctor: What have you done?!
River: It was never going to be a gun for you, Doctor. The man of peace. Who understands every kind of warfare except perhaps the cruelest. Kiss kiss. {she dives off the building}.

Rory: What’s wrong with you? What has she done to you?
The Doctor: Poisoned me. But I’m fine. {thinks better} Well no. I’m dying. But I’ve got a plan.
Amy: What plan?
The Doctor: Not dying. See? Fine.

Anita: Scanning him. He’s dying all right.
Jim: But he can’t be.

Amy: Okay, what do we do? How do we help you?
The Doctor: Take this. The TARDIS can hone in on it. Now go! Get after her.

River to a group of Nazis: Hello boys.

Amy: You said the smoke was deadly.
The Doctor: No, the smoke’s fine. The poison will kill me first. Now get after River!
Amy: I don’t understand, okay? One minute she’s going to marry you and then she’s going to kill you?
The Doctor: Well she’s been brainwashed. It all makes sense to her. Plus, she’s a woman. Oh shut up, I’m dying!

The Doctor: Extractor fans on! {they fire up} Oh. That works.

German Officer (Mark Killeen): What are you doing here?
River: Well. I was on my way to this gay gypsy bar mitzvah for the disabled, when I suddenly thought, “Gosh. The Third Reich’s a bit rubbish. I think I’ll kill the Führer.” Who’s with me?
German Officer: Shoot her.

River: Tip for you all: never shoot a girl while she’s regenerating. {she heals} Now that hit the spot. Thanks boys. Call me.

Amy: What are you doing?
River: New body. New town. I’m going shopping.

Rory: Look. I know how this looks. Let me explain everything from the beginning. {he gives a Nazi salute} Heil!
Robot Guard: Heil! {and a punch}

Amy: Can you ride a motorbike?
Rory: I expect so. It’s that sort of day.

Carter: Okay, this time let’s do the bike too.

Jim: See? He can’t be dying.
Carter: But the Doctor is confirmed deceased. We have his records.
Jim: But he doesn’t die here. He dies in Utah by Lake Silencio, April the 22nd, 2011.
Anita: Time can be rewritten. Remember Kennedy?
Jim: This time can’t. It’s a confirmed fixed point. The Doctor must always die exactly then. He always has. He always will.
Carter: Then someone screwed up because he’s dying right now.

The Doctor: Shutting down. I need an interface. Voice interface, come on. Emergency. {The Doctor hologram appears}
The Doctor Hologram: Voice interface enabled.
The Doctor: Oh no no no. Give me someone I like. {Rose appears}. Thanks! Give me guilt. {Martha} Also guilt. {Donna} More guilt! Come on. There must be someone left in the universe I haven’t screwed up yet.
Amelia Hologram: Voice interface enabled.
The Doctor: Ah! Amelia Pond. Before I got it all wrong. My sweet little Amelia.
Amelia Hologram: I am not Amelia Pond. I am a voice interface.
The Doctor: Hey, let’s run away and have adventures. Come along, Pond.
Amelia Hologram: I am not Amelia Pond. I am a voice interface.
The Doctor: You are so Scottish. How am I doing?
Amelia Hologram: Your system has been contaminated by the poison of the Judas tree. You will be dead in thirty-two minutes.
The Doctor: Okay, so. Basically better regenerate, that’s what you’re saying.
Amelia Hologram: Regeneration disabled. You will be dead in thirty-two minutes.
The Doctor: Unless I’m cured, yeah?
Amelia Hologram: There is no cure. You will be dead in thirty-two minutes.
The Doctor: Why do you keep saying that?
Amelia Hologram: Because you will be dead in thirty-two minutes.
The Doctor: You see, there you go again. Basically skipping thirty-one whole minutes when I’m absolutely fine. Scottish, that’s all I’m saying.
Amelia Hologram: You will be fine for thirty-one minutes. You will be dead in thirty-two minutes.
The Doctor: Scotland’s never conquered anyone, you know. Not even a Shetland. River needs me. She’s only just beginning. I can’t die now.
Amelia Hologram: You will not die now. You will die in thirty-two minutes.
The Doctor: I’m going out in the first round! Ringing any bells? {he convulses} Okay. Need something for the pain now. Come on, Amelia. It’s me. Please.
Amelia Hologram: I am not Amelia Pond. I am a voice interface.
The Doctor: Amelia. Listen to me. I can be brave for you. But you have go to tell me how.
Amelia Hologram: I am not Amelia Pond. I am a voice interface.
The Doctor: Amelia… Amelia, please… I…
Amelia Hologram: Fish fingers and custard.
The Doctor: What did you say? Fish fingers and custard! {he laughs} Amelia Pond. Fish fingers and custard. Fish fingers and custard!

River: Ladies and gentlemen. I don’t have a thing to wear. Take off your clothes.

Rory: Okay, all of Berlin. How do we find her?
Amy: I don’t know. Look for clues.
Rory imitating her accent: “Clews”? What kind of “clews”?
Amy: Shut up!

Rory: Okay. Okay. I’m trapped inside a giant robot replica of my wife. I’m really trying not to see this as a metaphor.

Amy: How can we be in here? How do we fit?
Rory: Miniaturization ray.
Amy: How would you know that?
Rory: Well there was a ray and we were miniaturized.
Amy: Alright.
Antibody: Welcome. You are unauthorized. Your death will be implemented.
Amy: What’s that?
Rory: I don’t know. It’s your head.
Antibody: Please remain calm while your life is terminated.
Amy: We come in peace!
Rory: When has that ever worked?
Amy: Oh shut up.
Antibody: Please cooperate in your officially sanctioned termination. It is normal to experience fear during your incineration.
Amy: Stop! Or I sonic.
Rory: What are you doing?
Amy: Ah, I don’t know.
Rory: Okay, psychic interface. Just point and click.
Amy: I know, but what do I think?
Rory: I don’t know!

Jim: This is Justice Department vehicle 6018. You’re not guilty of anything. Welcome aboard the Teselecta.

River: I might take the age down a little. Just gradually. To freak people out.
Robot Amy: You killed the Doctor.
River: Oh yes, I know dear. You’re not going to keep on about it. Oo. Regeneration. It’s a whole new coloring to work with.
Robot Amy: You killed the Doctor on the orders of the movement known as the Silence, an Academy of the Question. Do you accept and know this to be true?
River: Quite honestly I don’t really remember. It was all a bit of a jumble.

The Doctor: Sorry. Did you say she killed the Doctor? The Doctor? Doctor Who?

Carter: You said he was dying?
Anita: He is!
Jim: When you’re done here, your memories will be wiped and you’ll be able to—
Amy: Doctor?

River: You’re dying! And you stopped to change?
The Doctor: Oh, you should always waste time when you don’t have any. Time is not the boss of you. Rule 408. Amelia Pond. Judgment Death machine. Why am I not surprised? Sonic cane.
River: Are you serious?
The Doctor: Never knowingly. Never knowingly be serious. Rule 27. You might want to write these down. Oh! It’s a robot. With four hundred and twenty-three life signs inside. A robot worked by tiny people. Love it. But how did you all get in there though? Bigger on the inside? No. Basic miniaturization sustained by a compression field. Oo! Watch what you eat. It’ll get you every time.

The Doctor still affected by the poison: So sorry! Leg went to sleep. Just had a quick left leg power nap. I forgot I had one scheduled. Actually, better sit down. I think I heard the right one yawning.

The Doctor: Don’t you touch her! Do not harm her in any way!
Carter: Why would you care? She’s the woman who kills you.
The Doctor: I’m not dead.
Carter: You’re dying.
The Doctor: Well. At least I’m not a time-travelling, shape-shifting robot operated by miniaturized cross people, which I have got to admit, I didn’t see coming. What do you want with her?
Carter: She’s Melody Pond. According to our records, the woman who kills the Doctor.
The Doctor: And I’m the Doctor, so what’s it got to do with you?
Carter: Throughout history, many criminals have gone unpunished in their lifetimes. Time travel has… responsibilities.
The Doctor laughing: What? You got yourselves time travel so you decided to punish dead people?
Carter: We don’t kill them. We extract them near the end of their established timelines.
The Doctor: And then what?
Carter: Give them Hell.

The Doctor: I’d ask you who you think you are, but I think the answer is pretty obvious. So who do you think I am? “The woman who killed the Doctor”. It sounds like you’ve got my biography in there. I’d love a peek.
Carter: Our records are obviously sealed to the public. Foreknowledge is dangerous.
The Doctor: Yeah well, I’ll be dead in three minutes. There isn’t much foreknowledge left.
Carter: Sorry, can’t do that.

Amy: That man is my best friend. That woman is my daughter. You give him anything he wants.
Jim: If she’s family, she has privileges.

Robot Amy: Records available.
The Doctor: Question: I’m dying. Who wants me dead?
Robot Amy: The Silence.
The Doctor: What is the Silence? Why is it called that? What… what does it mean?
Robot Amy: The Silence is not a species. It is a religious order or movement. Their core belief is that Silence will fall when the question is asked.
The Doctor: What question?
Robot Amy: The first question. The oldest question in the universe. Hidden in plain sight.
The Doctor: Yes, but what is the question?
Robot Amy: Unknown.
The Doctor: Oh, well fat lot of use that is, ya big ging. You call yourself a records. Augh! {he convulses again} Kidneys are always the first to quit. I’ve had better you know.

Anita: Okay, he’s finished.
Amy: Oh my god.
Carter: Well then let’s do what we do. Give her hell.

The Doctor: Amy! Rory! Amy! Can you hear me?
Amy: Yeah.
Carter handing her the radio: You can talk to him.
Amy: What do we do? This is me, this is me actually talking. What do we do?
The Doctor: Just stop them. She’s your daughter. Just stop them.
Amy: How? How?
The Doctor: Just do it!

The Doctor: Please. Now we have to save your parents. Don’t run. Now I know you’re scared. But never run when you’re scared. Rule 7. Please.

Antibody: Only two life forms remain. This will be rectified.

River: Look at you. You still care. It’s impressive, I’ll give you that.
The Doctor: River, please.
River: Again? Who is this River? She’s got to be a woman. Am I right?
The Doctor: Help me. Save Amy and Rory. Help me.
River: Tell me about her. Go on.
The Doctor: Augh! Just… help me.

Antibodies: You are unauthorized. Your death will now be implemented.
Amy: I love you.
Rory: I love you too.

River: I seem to be able to fly her. She showed me how. She taught me. The Doctor says I’m the child of the TARDIS. What does he mean?
Amy: Where is he?

Amy: You can’t die now. I know you don’t die now.
The Doctor: Oh Pond. You’ve got a schedule for everything.
Amy: But it doesn’t make any sense.
Rory: Doctor, what do we do? Come on. How do we help you?
The Doctor: No, I’m sorry, Rory. You can’t. Nobody can. Ponds. Listen to me. I need to talk to your daughter.

The Doctor: Find her. Find River Song and tell her something from me.
River: Tell her what? {he whispers to her} Well I’m sure she knows—

River: Who’s River Song?

Amy: Are you still working? Because I’m still a relative. Access files on River Song.
Robot Amy: Records available.
Amy: Show me her. Show me River Song. {the face changes into River’s}

Amy: What did he say? The Doctor gave you a message for River Song. What was it? {River’s hands start to glow} What’s happening? River? What are you doing?
River: Just tell me. The Doctor. Is he worth it?
Amy: Yes! Yes, he is!

The Doctor: River. No. What are you doing?
River: Hello Sweetie.

Amy: Hey.
River: Hey. Where am I?
Amy: You’re safe now. Apparently you used all your remaining regenerations in one go. You shouldn’t have done that.
River: Mother. I had to try.
Amy: I know.
River: He said no one could save him. But he must have known I could.
The Doctor: Rule One. The Doctor lies.
Nurse (Eva Alexander): She just needs to rest. She’ll be absolutely fine.
The Doctor: No. She won’t. {he puts a new blue diary on her nightstand} She will be amazing.

Amy: So that’s it, we just leave her there?
The Doctor: Sisters of the Infinite Schism. Greatest hospital in the universe.
Amy: Yeah, but she’s our daughter. Doctor, she’s River. And she’s our daughter.
The Doctor: Amy, I know. But we have to let her make her own way now. We have too much foreknowledge. {he looks at his death} Dangerous thing, foreknowledge.
Amy: What’s that?
The Doctor: Nothing! Just some data I downloaded from the Teselecta. Very boring.

Rory: Doctor, River was brainwashed to kill you, right?
The Doctor: Well she did kill me. And then she used her remaining lives to bring me back. As first dates go, I’d say that was mixed signals.
Rory: But that stuff that they put in her head. Is that gone now? The River that we know in the future. She is in prison for murder.
Amy: Whose murder?

Amy: Will we see her again?
The Doctor: Oh, she’ll come looking for us.
Amy: Yeah, but how? How do people even look for you?
The Doctor: Oh Pond, haven’t you figured that one out yet?

The Luna University, 5123

Professor Candy (Paul Bentley): So then. Tell me, why do you want to study archaeology?
River: Well to be perfectly honest, Professor. I’m looking for a good man.