Closing Time

Sophie (Daisy Haggard): I’ve labeled the food and sort of numbered it.
Craig Owens (James Corden): Sophie, you don’t need to number food.
Sophie: It’s just a suggestion.

Craig: I can cope on my own! Now please go and have a rest. You need it. I love you.
Sophie: I love you too. And thank you for this. And I do know you can cope on your own. And I may have drawn some arrows in the fridge.
Craig: Okay, really have to go now.

Craig: Mum, it’s not just you, I’m phoning everybody. I’m texting the world. “Craig Owens can do it on his own!” No one is coming to help me. {there’s a knock at the door}. Mum, I’m going to have to call you back. {to himself} I’m coping, I’m coping on my own. I’m coping on my own. I’m coping on my own—
The Doctor: Hello Craig. I’m back!
Craig: She didn’t— How could she phone you?
The Doctor: How did who phone me? Nobody phoned me, I’m just here.

The Doctor: Oh, you’ve redecorated! I don’t like it.
Craig: It’s a different house. We moved.
The Doctor: Yes. That’s it.

Craig: Doctor, what are you doing here?
The Doctor: Social call. Thought it about time I tried one out. How are you?
Craig: I’m fine.
The Doctor: This is the bit where I say “I’m fine too”, isn’t it? “I’m fine too.” Good. Love to Sophie. ‘Bye! {the lights flicker} Something’s wrong.

The Doctor: On your own you said, but you’re not. You’re not on your own. Increased sulfur emissions… and look at the state of this place. What are you not telling me?
Craig: Doctor, please—
The Doctor: Shush!
Craig: No you shush!
The Doctor: Shush!
Craig: Shush!
The Doctor: No you shush!

The Doctor: Whoever you are, get off this planet! {the baby starts crying}
Craig: You’ve woken him.

The Doctor: So when you say, “on your own”…
Craig: I meant on my own with the baby, yes. Because no one thinks I can cope on my own with the baby. Which is so unfair because… I can’t cope on my own with him. I can’t! He just cries all the time. I mean, do they have off switches?
The Doctor: Human beings, no. Believe me, I’ve checked.

Craig: You read all the books and they tell you you’ll know what to do if you follow your instincts. I have no instinct.

The Doctor: So what did you call him? Will I blush?
Craig: No, we didn’t call him “The Doctor.”
The Doctor: No, I didn’t think you would.
Craig: He’s called Alfie.

Craig: What are you doing here anyway?
The Doctor: Yes, he likes that, Alfie. Though personally he prefers to be called Stormaggedon, Dark Lord of All.
Craig: Sorry, what?
The Doctor: That’s what he calls himself.
Craig: How d’you know that?
The Doctor: I speak baby.
Craig: Of course you do.

The Doctor: No! He’s your dad, you can’t just call him “Not Mum.”
Craig: Not mum?
The Doctor: That’s you. “Also Not Mum”. That’s me. And everybody else is… “peasants”. That’s a bit unfortunate.

Craig: What are you here for? What’s happening?
The Doctor: Just popped in to say hello.
Craig: You don’t do that. I checked the upstairs when we moved in. It’s real. And next door, both sides. They’re humans. Is it the fridge? Are there aliens in my fridge?
The Doctor: I just want to see you, Craig. Cross my hearts. Been knocking around on my own for a bit. Bit of a farewell tour. One last thing, popping in to see you, then I’m off to see the Alignment of Exidor.
Craig: The Alignment of Exidor?
The Doctor: Seventeen galaxies in perfect unison. Meant to be spectacular. I can’t miss it. Literally, can’t. It’s locked in a time stasis field. I get one crack at flying my TARDIS straight into it… if I get my dates right. {checks the paper} Which I have.
Craig: Sounds nice.
The Doctor looking at the paper closer: So this is me, popping in and popping out again. Just being social. Having a laugh. Never mind… that.
Craig: Never mind what?
The Doctor: Mm… nothing.
Craig: No, you’ve noticed something. You’ve got your noticing face on. I have nightmares about that face.
The Doctor: Nope! Given all that up. Done noticing things. {the light flickers} Didn’t even notice that, for example.

Craig: Can you do the shush-y thing?
The Doctor: No, it only works once and only on life forms with underdeveloped brains.
Craig: How— You said “farewell tour”. What do you mean farewell—?
The Doctor: Shush.

The Doctor: Just go, shouldn’t notice things. Just go, stop noticing, just go, stop noticing, just go…. Stop it! Am I noticing? No. No, I am not. And what I am not doing is scanning around for electrical fluctuations. Oh shut up, you. I’m just dropping in on a friend. The last thing I need right now is a patina of teleport energy. I’m going, do you here me, going? Not staying, going. I am through saving them. I am going away now. {not going away}

The Doctor: It goes up, tiddly up! It goes down, diddly down. For only £49.99, which I personally think is a bit steep. But then again, it’s your parent’s cash and they’ll only waste it on boring stuff like lamps and vegetables. Yawn!

Craig: What the hell are you doing here?
The Doctor: I’m the Doctor, I work in a shop now. I am here to help. Look, they gave me a badge with my name on it in case I forget who I am. Very thoughtful as that does happen.

The Doctor: Craig, mind Yappy!
Craig: What?
The Doctor: Yappy. The Robot Dog. Not as much fun as I remember.

Craig: You’re here for a reason, aren’t you? You’ve noticed something and you’re investigating. And because it’s you it’s gonna be dangerous and alien.
The Doctor: Might not be.

Craig: Why is none of this on the front page?
The Doctor: Oh! Page one has an exclusive on Nina, a local girl who got kicked off Britain’s Got Talent. These people are on pages seven, nineteen and twenty-two. Because no one’s noticed yet. They’re far too excited about Nina’s emotional journey, which—in fairness—is quite inspiring.

The Doctor: Here’s the lift!
Craig: It says it’s out of order.
The Doctor: Not anymore. See? “Here to help.”
Craig: It says “danger.”
The Doctor: Oh rubbish! Lifts aren’t dangerous.
Craig: Do I look like I’m stupid? {the baby gurgles}.
The Doctor: Quiet, Stormy!

The Doctor: Just between you, me and Stormy—don’t want to frighten any punters. Someone’s been using the teleport relay right here in the shop. Missing people last seen here in this area. Before you ask: CCTV’s been wiped.
Craig: A teleport? A big— A teleport? Like a “beam-me-up” teleport, like you see in Star Trek?
The Doctor: Exactly! Someone’s been using a beam-me-up Star Trek teleport. Could be disguised as anything.

Craig: Was that the lights again?
The Doctor: Yes, that’s it. That’s all. It’s always the lights.
Craig: Why did you say it like that?
The Doctor: Like what? {trying to lower his voice} Like what what what?
Craig: Like that. In that high-pitched voice?

Craig: Doctor, are you going to kiss me?
The Doctor: Yes, Craig. Yes I am. would you like that? Bit out of practice but I’ve had some wonderful feedback.
Craig: Doctor, I can’t. I’m taken. Woah my god!
The Doctor: Or we could just hold hands if you’d feel more comfortable.
Craig: What is happening?!
The Doctor: Well first of all, I don’t really love you. Except as a friend.
Craig: What is that?!
The Doctor: Quick reverse.
Craig: Okay, what the hell just happened?!

The Doctor: They must have linked the teleport relay to the lift. But I’ve fused it. They can’t use that again. They’re stuck up there in their spaceship.
Craig: What were those things?
The Doctor: Cybermen.
Craig: A ship. Space ship. We were in space.

The Doctor: Craig, take Alfie and go.
Craig: No.
The Doctor: No?
Craig: No. I remember from last time. People got killed. People that didn’t know you. I know where it’s safest for me and Alfie and that’s right next to you.
The Doctor: Is that so?
Craig: Yeah, you always win. You always survive.
The Doctor: Those were the days.
Craig: I can help you. I’m staying.
The Doctor: Craig… Craig… Alright! Maybe those days aren’t over yet.

Craig: Where am I investigating?
The Doctor: Well look around. Ask questions. People like it when you’re with a baby. Babies are sweet. People talk to you. That’s why I usually take a human with me.
Craig: So I’m your baby.
The Doctor: You’re my baby! {he hugs him}

Val (Lynda Baron): Hope you don’t mind my saying, Doctor, but I think you look ever so sweet. You and your partner and the baby.
The Doctor: Partner. Yes. I like it. Is it better than companion?
Val: Companion. Sounds old fashioned. There’s no need to be coy these days.

The Doctor: Silver rat. Glowing red eyes.
Val: Yes. Then it zizzed off! I wanted to get one for my nephew but Stockroom say there’s no such item.
The Doctor: Oh I bet they do.

The Doctor: Nope. Hold on. Un-shush.

Craig: How’d you do that? It’s a power, isn’t it? Some sort of weird alien hypnotic power. I bet you excrete some sort of gas, makes people love you.
The Doctor: Would that I could, Craig. {he checks a dressing room and surprises the occupant} Ah! Sorry madame. I’d try that in red if I were you.
Craig: I’m right though, aren’t I?
The Doctor: Well you love me. I’ve never excreted any weird alien gases at you.
Craig: I don’t love you. Don’t start that again.
The Doctor to Alfie: Yeah, I know. Of course he does. Of course you do! We’re partners.
Craig: Yeah, but I did exactly what you would have done and I nearly got arrested.
The Doctor: Stormy thinks you should believe in yourself more.
Craig: Great, so now my baby’s reviewing me.

The Doctor: A cyberman took Shona.
Craig: A cyber man? I thought he was a little silver rat.
The Doctor: It’s not a rat. It’s a cybermat.
Craig: All right. Have a go at me just ’cause I don’t know their names.

The Doctor: Cybermats are infiltrators. Very small, very deadly. They collect power like bees collect pollen.

The Doctor: Craig! It’s a coincidence! It happens. It’s what the universe does for— {he sees Amy and Rory} fun.

The Doctor: Right. Let’s be having you then, Cybermat! {he starts sonic-ing the area}.
Craig: Sh! Can’t you put that on quiet?
The Doctor: No! Its a sonic screwdriver! Sonic equals sound.

Craig: Why do I need a papoose?
The Doctor: Alfie wants you attached to him. You are far too slow when he summons you.
Craig: When’s he going to stop giving me marks?
The Doctor: Never. It’s parenthood. Couldn’t you just have got a babysitter? {Alfie chimes in} No. Any babysitter. It doesn’t have to be a hot one.

The Doctor easily catching the rat: It’s very odd. Must be on low power. Or I’m better at that than I remember.
Craig: Oh, is that it?
The Doctor: Yeah.
Craig relieved: Oh, that’s quite cute. Look at that. Look, Alfie. {it suddenly bares its teeth} Metal rat! Real mouth! Metal rat! Real mouth!

Craig: Are you okay?
The Doctor: I should be dead, but the arm it chopped me with, it was damaged. Old, spare parts. Must have changed those missing people.
Craig: Changed the missing into cybermen? Why didn’t they change you?
The Doctor: Long story. I’m not exactly compatible. But why are they using spare parts? Why? Everything I find out makes less sense.
Craig: Doctor, listen to me. If the Cybermen are here then we’re not safe. We’ve got to go. We’ve gotta get back to base.
The Doctor excited: We’ve got a base? When did we get a base?

Craig: I’m going down to the shop. We’ve run out of milk. You know what to do if he cries.
The Doctor: No.
Craig: Me neither!

The Doctor: Stop crying. You’ve got a lot to look forward to, you know. A normal human life on Earth. Mortgage repayments. The nine-to-five. A persistent, nagging sense of spiritual emptiness. Save the tears for later, boy-o. Oh, that was crabby. No, that was old. But I am old, Stormy. I am so old. So near the end.

The Doctor: You are so young. Aren’t you? And you know, right now everything’s ahead of you. You could be anything. {Alfie gurgles} Yes, I know. You could walk among the stars. They don’t actually look like that you know. They are rather more impressive. {he fixes them} You know when I was little like you I dreamt of the stars. I think it’s fair to say, in the language of your age, that I lived my dream. I owned the stage. Gave it a hundred and ten percent. I hope you have as much fun as I did, Alfie.

The Doctor: Your dad’s trying his best, you know. Yes, I know. It’s not his fault he doesn’t have mammary glands. No, neither do I! … Alfie, why is there a sinister beeping coming from behind me?

The Doctor: It must be shielded from metastatic energy. Of course!
Craig: Of course!
The Doctor: Don’t worry, I have an app for that.

Craig: The Cybermat came after us.
The Doctor: No, after me.
Craig: They sent it after us.
The Doctor: After me. Because of me, you and Alfie nearly died. Do you still feel safe with me, Craig?
Craig: Can’t help who your mates are.
The Doctor: No. I am a stupid selfish man. Always have been. I should have made you go. I should never have come here.
Craig: What would have happened if you hadn’t come? Who else knows about Cybermen and teleports.
The Doctor: I put people in danger.
Craig: Stop beating yourself up! If it weren’t for you, this whole planet would be in absolute ruin.

The Doctor: Craig, very soon I won’t be here. My time is running out. I don’t mean Exidor. “Silence will fall when the question is asked.” I don’t even know what the question is. I always knew I’d die still asking. The thing is, Craig, it’s tomorrow. Can’t put it off anymore. Tomorrow is the day I d—.

The Doctor: Safe mode. Clever me. {petting it} Come along, bitey.

Val: You found the silver rat?
The Doctor: But where are the silver men?

Craig: I’m sorry, Alfie. I can’t leave you here on your own. There’s something up with the Doctor and we owe him. I wouldn’t have you or mummy if it wasn’t for him. He needs someone. He always needs someone. He just can’t admit it.

The Doctor: They must have had a back-up system. Something complicated. Something powerful. Something shielded. Something like… a door? A door. A desilium-bonded steel door disguised as a wall. That is cheating! So. They didn’t teleport down. They climbed up.

Cyberman: You have come to us.
The Doctor: Took me awhile. Lot on my mind.

Cyberman: He must be the new leader.
Cyberman: No. He is not like us. Brain and binary vascular system incompatible. They will be discarded. Other body parts may be of use.

Cyberman: You are compatible. You are intelligent.
Craig: I’m not intelligent! You don’t want me!
Cyberman: Do not fear. We will take your fear from you. You will be like us. You will be more than us.

The Doctor: Listen to me. I believe in you. I believe you can do this. I’ve always believed. In all of you, all my life. I’m going to die, Craig. Tomorrow I’m going to die. But I don’t mind if you just prove me right! Craig!

Cyberman: Emotions eradicated. Conversion complete. {beeping} Alert! Emotional subsystems rebooting. This is impossible.
The Doctor: He can hear him. He can hear Alfie. Oh please, just give me this. Craig, you wanted a chance to prove you’re a dad. You are never gonna get a better one than this.

Cyberman: What is happening?
The Doctor: What’s happening, you metal moron, a baby is crying. And you better watch out! Because guess what? Ha ha! Daddy’s coming home!

The Doctor: And that was another review. Ten out of ten!
Craig: The Cybermen. They blew up. I blew ’em up with love.
The Doctor: No. That’s impossble. And also grossly sentimental and over-simplistic. You destroyed them because of the deeply-ingrained hereditary human trait to protect one’s own genes. Which in turn triggered a… a…. Yeah. Love. You blew them up with love.

The Doctor: The building should be totally safe, structurally. And of course the bonded desillium contained the explosion.
Kelly (Holly Dempsey): Right. Why are you telling me all this?
The Doctor: I don’t know. Shush.

Val: Are you two married then?
Craig: No. We talked about it, but it’s just a piece of paper isn’t it.
The Doctor: Thank you for your help, Val. Good noticing. Keep ’em peeled.
Val: I will. I’m glad you two made up for baby’s sake.
Craig: How’d you mean?
Val: It’s nice for baby to have two daddies who love each other.
Craig: Wait. Hang on a sec. Two daddies. You think I’m…
Val: His companion.
Craig: Doctor…
Val: Oh. Now where’s he rushed off to?
Craig: He’s gone.

The Doctor: See. I do come back.
Craig: How did you… ?
The Doctor: Time machine. But even with time travel, getting glaziers on a Sunday… tricky.
Craig: You went back in time. That means you used up your hours. What about Exidor?
The Doctor: What about you being in trouble with Sophie when she comes back? I couldn’t let that happen.
Craig: You used up your time for me?
The Doctor: Of course I did. You’re me mate.

The Doctor: He prefers the name Alfie now. And he’s very proud of his dad.
Craig: He calls me dad?
The Doctor: Yeah, of course he does. Now.

The Doctor: Well. Now it’s time. I have to go.
Craig: Doctor, I know that something’s wrong. I can help you.
The Doctor: Nobody can help me. Um, I hope Sophie won’t mind. I need these {he grabs the too familiar blue evelopes}.
Craig: Where are you going to go?
The Doctor: America.
Craig: Sophie will be home any second. Are you sure?
The Doctor: I can’t miss this appointment, Craig. Goodbye, mate.
Craig: Wait there. One second. {he comes back with a Stetson} From Shawn’s stag. You ride ’em, partner.
The Doctor: Oh. Thanks.

Sophie: Hello hello, I forgot my key!
Craig: Oh, I missed you so much.

Sophie: Has anything happened? You look different.
Craig: Nothing happened, nothing weird.
Sophie: Look at you two, thick as thieves. {to Alfie} Who’s daddy’s little boy then?
Alfie: Doctor.
Sophie: What? Craig?

The Doctor: Well then, Old Girl. One last trip, eh?

The Doctor: Hey. I’m The Doctor. I was here to help. And you are very very welcome.

First Girl: It was funny. He seemed so happy but so sad at the same time.
Boy: I was just a kid. I thought maybe he was a cowboy on his way to a gun fight.
Second Girl: I really liked his hat.

Madame Kovarian (Frances Barber): “Tick tock goes the clock. And what now shall we play? Tick tock goes the clock. Now summer’s gone away.”
River: Hello?
Madame Kovarian: Such a lovely old song. But is it about him?
River: You know about The Doctor?
Madame Kovarian: So very well. Oh… don’t try and remember me. We’ve been far too thorough with your dear little head.
River seeing the Silents: What are they? What are those things?
Madame Kovarian: Your owners.
River: My what?

Madame Kovarian: So they made you a doctor today, did they? Doctor River Song. How clever you are. {looking at the date} You understand what this is, don’t you?
River: According to some accounts, it’s the day the Doctor dies.
Madame Kovarian: By Silencio Lake. On the Plain of Sighs. An impossible astronaut will rise from the deep. And strike the Time Lord dead.
River: It’s a story.
Madame Kovarian: And this is where it begins.

Madame Kovarian: You never really escaped us, Melody Pond. We were always coming for you.
River: How do you know who I am?
Madame Kovarian: I made you what you are. The Woman Who Kills The Doctor.

Madame Kovarian: “Tick tock goes the clock, and all the years they fly. Tick tock and all too soon, your love will surely die.”

Tick tock goes the clock, He cradled and he rocked her. Tick tock goes the clock, ’til River kills The Doctor.