Dinosaurs on a Spaceship

Egypt 1334 B.C.

The Doctor: Bye then. Lovely meeting you. Sorry about the mess!
Queen Nefertiti (Riann Steele): You think I’ll just let you leave without me, huh? After what we have just been through.
The Doctor: You’ve got the Egyptian people to rule, Queen Nefertiti. They’ll need reassuring after that weapon-bearing giant alien locust attack we just stopped rather brilliantly. {his pocket honks} Oh dear! Sorry. {pulls out the psychic paper} I’ve got it set to temporal news feed… oh, that’s interesting.
Nefertiti: What is?
The Doctor: Nothing. Nothing interesting. Not at— Oh hoo! Never been there, excited!

2367 A.D.

Indira (Sunetra Sarker): Craft size approximately ten million square kilometers.
The Doctor: A ship the size of Canada coming at Earth very fast. Any signs of life?
Indira: We sent up a drone craft, it took these readings.
The Doctor: Crikey, Charlie. Look at that! Oh, I know somebody who’d love a look at that. And the Ponds! Mustn’t forget the Ponds, Nefi. Haven’t seen them in ages. I’m riffing. People usually stop me when I’m riffing. Or carry on without me, that’s also an option.
Nefertiti: Can you communicate with this craft?
The Doctor: She’s with me. Good question, Nefi.
Indira: No. No response on any channel in any recognized language. If it comes within ten thousand kilometers of Earth, we send up missiles.
The Doctor: Oh, Indira. I liked you before you said missiles. How long ’til the ship gets that close?
Indira: Six hours, nineteen minutes.
The Doctor: Right. Better get a shift on then. Leave it with us. Come on then, Nefi. We’re gonna need help.

African Plains 1902 A.D.

The Doctor: More stew?
Riddell (Rupert Graves): Where have you been, man? Seven months! You said you were popping out for some licorice. I had two very disappointed dancers on my hands. Not that I couldn’t manage.
The Doctor: Riddell, listen. I found, well… something.
Riddell: No no no no no no. I shan’t fall for that again. {the Doctor just waits} What is it?
The Doctor: I have no idea. Do you want to find out?

Brian Williams (Mark Williams): I think it’s the fitting.
Rory: Dad, it’s not the fitting. It just needs a new bulb.
Brian: You’re wobbling the ladder.
Rory: I’m not.
Brian: I don’t want another loft incident.
Amy: How’s my side, Brian?
Brian: Perfect as ever, Amy.
Amy: Thank you, Brian.
Brian: I don’t know what he said to you to make you marry him, but he’s a lucky man.
They hear the TARDIS.
Rory: Oh no. Not here, not now.
Brian: You leave the back door open?
Rory: What is he doing?
Amy: I’m going to kill him.

Amy, Rory, Brian, the bulb and the ladder find themselves inside the TARDIS
The Doctor: Hello. You weren’t busy, were you? Well even if you were it wasn’t as interesting as this… probably is. Didn’t want you to miss it. Now. Just a quick hop. Everybody grab a torch.

The Doctor: Spiders. We don’t normally get spiders in space.
Brian walking out: What the—
The Doctor: Don’t move! Do you really think I’m the stupid, I wouldn’t notice. How did you get aboard, hey? Transmat? Who sent you?
Rory: Doctor. That’s my dad.
The Doctor: Well frankly that’s outrageous.
Rory: What?
The Doctor: You think you can just bring your dad along without asking? I’m not a taxi service, you know.
Rory: You materialized around us!
The Doctor: Oh! Well that’s fine then. My mistake. Hello Brian! How are you? Nice to meet you? Welcome. Welcome. This is the gang. I’ve got a gang. Yes! Come on then, everyone!

Brian: I’m not entirely sure what’s going on.
Rory: You know when Amy and I first got married and we went travelling?
Brian: To Thailand.
Rory: More the entirety of space and time. In that police box.

Amy: Alright. Where are we, what is that noise and—hello!—ten months?
The Doctor: Orbiting Earth. Well… I say orbiting. More like pre-crashing. On a spaceship. Don’t know. And hello, Pond! Ten months. Time flies. Never really understood that phrase. {introducing the gang} This is Nefi, this is Riddell. They’re with me.
Amy: With you? They’re with you? Are they the new us? Is that why we haven’t seen you?
The Doctor: No, they’re just people. They’re not Ponds. I thought we might need a gang. Never really had a gang before. It’s new.

An elevator appears to be approaching their level
The Doctor: It’s coming down.
Riddell: What is it?
The Doctor: No idea.
The doors open and dinosaurs come out
Brian: Not possible.
The Doctor: Run.
Amy: Doctor!
The Doctor: I know. Dinosaurs. On a spaceship!

Rory: Okay. So. How? And whose ship?
The Doctor: Well there’s so much to discover. Think how much wiser we’ll be by the end of all this.
Brian: Sorry. Sorry. Are you saying dinosaurs are flying a spaceship?
The Doctor: Brian. Please. That would be ridiculous. They’re probably just passengers. Did I mention missiles?
Brian: Missiles!
The Doctor: Didn’t want to worry you. Anyway, six hours is a lifetime. Not literally a lifetime. That’s what we’re trying to avoid. And we’re really clever. Oo! Let’s see what we can find out.

Brian: We’re outside we’re on a beach.
The Doctor: Teleports! Oh, I hate teleports! Must have activated on my voice.
Brian: Ah. Yes. Well. Thank you, Arthur C. Clarke. Teleport. Obviously. I mean, we’re on a spaceship with dinosaurs. Why wouldn’t there be a teleport. In fact, why don’t we just teleport now! {he stomps off}
The Doctor: Is he alright?
Rory: No, he hates travelling. Makes him really anxious. He only goes to the paper shop and golf.
The Doctor: What did you bring him for?
Rory: I didn’t! Why can’t you just phone ahead like any normal person?

Brian: Somebody tell me where we are. Now.
The Doctor checking with his tongue: Well it’s on Earth. Doesn’t taste right. Too metallic.
Brian: Is that a kestrel?
The Doctor: I do hope so.

Rory: The beach is humming.
The Doctor: Is it! Oh yes. Well don’t just stand there, you two. Dig! I’m going to look at rocks. Love a rock.
Rory: Dig?! With what?
Brian: Ah. Well. {pulls out a trowel}
Rory: Did you just have that on you?
Brian: Of course. What sort of a man doesn’t carry a trowel? Put it on your Christmas list.
Rory: Dad, I’m thirty-one. I don’t have a Christmas list anymore.
The Doctor in the distance: I do!

Amy: Hey, put that away! I need you sober.
Riddell: It’s medicinal. And I don’t take orders from females.
Nefertiti: Then learn. Any man that speaks to me that way I execute.
Riddell: You’re very welcome to try.
Amy: Sorry, what was your name again?
Nefertiti: Lady of the Two Lands. Wife of the Great King Amenhotep. Queen Nefertiti of Egypt.
Riddell: I’ll be damned!
Amy: Oh my god. Queen Nefertiti? I learned all about you at school. You’re awesome. Big fan. High five. {she stares at her} Yeah, a bit behind on that.

Amy: Okay. A guess. T. Rex? Not yet full size. We’re in the middle of a dinosaur nest.
Riddell: I propose a retreat. {they hear a loud roar from that direction} Perhaps forwards.

Amy: Who are you anyway?
Riddell: John Riddell. Big game hunter in the African Plains. Sure you’ve heard of me too.
Amy: No.
Riddell: Well you clearly have some alarming gaps in your education.
Amy: Or men who hunt defenseless creatures just don’t impact on history.

The Doctor: See! Metal floors! Screens in rocks. It was just a short range teleport. We’re still in the ship.
Brian: No. We’re outside on a beach.
Rory: No, it’s part of the ship, Dad.
Brian: Don’t be ridiculous.
The Doctor: Well it is quite ridiculous. Also brilliant. That’s why the system teleported us here. I wanted the engines. This is the engine room! Hydro-generators!
Brian: I have literally no idea what he’s saying.
Rory: A spaceship powered by waves.
The Doctor: Fabulously impossible. Oh, think of the things we could learn from this ship if we manage to stop it being blown to pieces.
Rory: Plus not dying.
The Doctor: Bad news is, can’t shut the wave system down in time. Takes… {he finally notices the screeching} Takes way too long.
Rory: Well if these are the engines there must be a control room.
The Doctor: Exactly. That’s what we need to find. Now, what do we do about the things that aren’t kestrels?
Brian: Oh my lord. Are those pterodactyls?
The Doctor: Yes. On any other occasion I’d be thrilled. Exposed on a beach? Less than thrilled. We should be going.
Rory: Where?
The Doctor: Ah, definitely away from them.
Rory: That’s the plan?
The Doctor: That’s the plan. Amendments welcome. Move away from the pterodactyls.
Rory: I think they might be noticing.
The Doctor: Amendment passed. Run!
Brian: Can’t we just teleport or something.
The Doctor: No! Local teleports burned out on arrival.

Rory: What do we do now? There’s no way back out there.
The Doctor: Through the cave. Come on. {he hears big footsteps} That suggestion was a work in progress.
Brian: We’re trapped.
The Doctor: Yes. Thanks for spelling it out.
Rory: Doctor, whatever’s down there is coming this way.
The Doctor: Spelling it out is hereditary. Wonderful.
Brian: That sound’s getting nearer.

Amy: Bit of weed killer wouldn’t go amiss in here.
Riddell: Whoever was running this vessel left in a hurry.
Nefertiti: Maybe a plague came and took them.
Riddell: Nah, there’d be corpses and bones.
Nefertiti: Unless the animals ate them.
Amy: Woah Chuckle Brothers. Lighten up, would ya?

Nefertiti: How’d you know how to do that?
Amy: Well I’ve spent enough time with the Doctor to know whenever you enter somewhere new, press buttons.
Nefertiti: What else have you learned from him?
Amy: Don’t stop at button-pressing.

Bleytal (Richard Hope): …our people remain in cryogenic. Whilst they sleep, I will continue to work, being careful to try on a regular basis…
Amy: How ’bout a picture, hm? Come on. For me? {she hits the side}
Nefertiti: Look! It’s beautiful.
I can’t tell how far we have come. Far enough to avoid the destructive impact forecast for our planet. Far enough for me to feel a profound sense of loss.
Riddell: What is that?
Amy: Silurian.

Robot 1: You’re going straight on the naughty step!
Brian: What’s the escape plan?
The Doctor: Why do we want to escape?
Brian: They have us hostage.
Rory: They’re taking us somewhere. We might learn from it.
The Doctor: Ah… you see, so clever! I’ve missed you, Rory. {he tugs his ear}
Rory: Don’t do that.
Brian: What if they kill us?
The Doctor: They wouldn’t do that! {he turns to the robots} You’re not gonna kill us, are you Rusty?
Robot 2: Who are you calling Rusty?
The Doctor: Have you seen yourselves lately?
Robot 2: You try being on this ship for two millennia, see how your paintwork does!
Robot 1: Don’t listen to him. He’s just being mean ’cause we captured him.

The Doctor: Oo! Herbivore, Brian. Don’t panic. Triceratops! Ha! It’s beautiful.

The Doctor: Rawr yourself! Hello, cutie pie. Who’s a lovely tricey then, eh? {he pets its head} Yes you are. Yes you are!
Brian: What do I do? What do I do? What’s it doing?
The Doctor: You don’t have any vegetable matter in your trousers, do you, Brian?
Brian: Only my balls.
The Doctor: I’m sorry?
Brian: Golf balls. Grassy residue.
Rory: What are you carrying those around for?
{The triceratops licks Brian’s face}
The Doctor: Oh, bless.

The Doctor: Right. Take us to your leader.
Rory: Really?
The Doctor: Too good to resist.

Bleytal: Over fifty species loaded. Only one has had any difficulty surviving. All the others are thriving and we expect them to be able to repopulate.
Amy: We’re on an ark. A Silurian ark.
Riddell: Lizard people herding dinosaurs onto a space ark? Absolute tommyrot.
Nefertiti: Only an idiot denies the evidence of their own eyes.
Riddell: Egyptian queen or not, I shall put you across my knee and spank you!
Amy: Oh lord.
Nefertiti: Try! And I’ll snap your neck in a heartbeat.
Riddell: Hm. Well they certainly bred firecrackers in your time.
Amy: Oh, no no no. Please, please don’t start flirting. I will not have flirting companions.

Riddell: If this ship was built by—
Amy: Silurians, yeah?
Riddell: Yeah. Where are they?
Amy: Surprisingly good question. {to the computer} Display life signs for homo reptilia. {“No life signals detected”} But where have they gone?
Nefertiti: Perhaps they found another world, left the ship.
Amy: Well why are the dinosaurs still on board? And why is the ship coming back to Earth? It doesn’t make sense. What’s changed between then and now? Wait. Computer, show me the ship at launch with all life signals. Now show me the ship today with all life signals. Thousands less. But why? I mean… Show me both images, then and now. Side-by-side.
Riddell: What are you looking for?
Amy: Okay, two images. Spot the difference. What changed? What happened to the Silurians?
Nefertiti: The center.
Amy: Computer, zoom into the center. Oh no.
Riddell: What is it?
Amy: Another space craft. This ship’s been boarded before.

The Doctor: Fantasia in F minor for four hands.
Solomon (David Bradley): You know it.
The Doctor: Know it? Say hello to hands three and four. Schubert kept tickling me to try and put me off. “Franz the Hands.” Oh that takes me back.

The Doctor: Well. This is… cozy.
Solomon: It’s fate you came.
The Doctor: Is it? I’m the Doctor.
Solomon: Yes, I know. I’m Solomon.
The Doctor: What’s that?
Solomon: System malfunction. Ignore it.
The Doctor: What happened to you?
Solomon: I was attacked. Three raptors. They cornered me. The robots rescued me but it was nearly too late.
The Doctor: Ah yes. The robots. They’re… unusual.
Solomon: I got them cheap. From a concession on Aluria 7. The robots did as best they could with my legs but… you can help me so much more.
The Doctor: Oh. A doctor doctor. I see. Let’s have a look.
Solomon: They chewed through a part of the bone in my legs.
The Doctor: Yes. Very nasty.
Solomon: But you can repair them.
The Doctor: If you tell me how you came by so many dinosaurs.
Solomon to the robots: Injure the older one.
The Doctor: What?
{Brian is shot by one of the robots}
Rory: It’s alright, Dad. It’s okay. It’s okay.
The Doctor: I don’t respond well to violence, Solomon.
Solomon: And I don’t like questions, Doctor. You boarded without my permission. Now, fix me or the next bolt will be fatal.

Rory: I will take you apart cog by cog and melt you down when all this is over.
Robot 2: Oh, I’m so scared! Actually I might be. A little bit of oil just came out.

Brian: What’s that?
Rory: Well you carry a trowel, I carry a med-pack. It’s all about the pockets in our family. This is an ice patch. It cools the skin.
Brian: Never seen one of those.
Rory: Yeah, I look out for cool stuff wherever we go. Some people it’s cars and hardware. For me, it is nursing supplies. Painkiller. Now this won’t hurt. {he jabs him}
Brian: Ow!
Rory: I lied. It won’t hurt from now on though.

Solomon: How did you get on board, Doctor?
The Doctor: Oh, I never talk about myself with a gun pointed at me. Let’s talk about you. Your cozy little craft embedded in a vast old ship.
Solomon: You’re very observant.
The Doctor: I’m a Sagittarius. Probably.
Solomon: I’m transporting it to the Roxbourne Peninsula.
The Doctor: Commerce colony? You’re a trader.
Solomon: I search out opportunities for profit across the nine galaxies.
The Doctor: Ah, the purple light. That’s what it was. An IV system, identifying value. The database of everything across space and time, allocated a market value. Argos for the Universe. You were trying to find out how much I’m worth.
Solomon: Would you like to know? {they wait until: no identification found} You don’t exist. It’s never done that.
The Doctor: That’s me. Worthless. Unlike these creatures you have on board. Very valuable. Given they’re extinct.

Amy: This is an ark, built by the Silurians. They were looking for another planet.
The Doctor: Where are they now?
Amy: None on board. I mean thousands of stasis pods, all empty.

The Doctor to Rory: Be ready.

The Doctor: What did you do to the Silurians?
Solomon: We ejected them. The robots woke them from cryo-sleep a handful at a time and jettisoned them from the airlocks. We must have left a trail of dust and bone.
The Doctor: Because you wanted the dinosaurs.
Solomon: Their ship crossed my path. I sent out a distress signal, they let me board. But when I saw the cargo, things became more complex.
The Doctor: Piracy then genocide.
Solomon: Very emotive words, Doctor.
The Doctor: Oh, I’m a very emotive man.
Solomon: The lizards wouldn’t negotiate. I made them a generous offer.
The Doctor: The creatures on board this ship are not objects to be sold or traded.
Solomon: I feel like you’re judging me.
The Doctor: You said Roxbourne Peninsula, so why are you heading to Earth? You’re on the wrong course. {realizing} Oh. You don’t know how. Ha. Brilliant. You couldn’t changed the preprogrammed course. Without instructions the ship defaulted, returned home. Oh dear. The Silurians outwitted you even after you’d massacred them, so now you’re a prisoner on the ship you hijacked.
Solomon: Not now you’re here. You’re going to help me to wherever I want to go, Doctor.
The Doctor: Little bit of news, Solomon. You’re being targeted by missiles. Get off this ship. While you still can.
Solomon: You think I believe that? You just want them for yourself. You won’t profit from me, Doctor.
The Doctor: Don’t ever judge me by your standards.

The Doctor: Well don’t just stand there, Rory. {to the robots} Hey! He wants to see you.
Rory: Dad, up!
Brian: What are we doing?
The Doctor: Just do exactly as I do!
Rory: Doctor, no!
The Doctor: Geronimo!

The Doctor: Go Tricey! Run like the wind! {nothing} How do you start a triceratops?
Brian: Tricey, fetch!

Indira: Doctor, the ship’s coming through the atmosphere. I have to start the missile program.
The Doctor: No. No no no. Don’t do that! Everything’s completely under control here. Turning around any moment. Need a bit of wiggle room on the timings.
Indira: I can’t do that.
The Doctor: You can. Of course you can. Tiny bit more time. Indira, please, this ship contains the most precious cargo.
Indira: My only responsibility is the Earth’s safety. I’m launching the missiles. Goodbye, Doctor.

Nefertiti: You and the Doctor, are you his queen?
Amy: No no. I’m Rory’s queen. Wife. Wife. I’m his wife. Please don’t him I said I was his queen. I’ll never hear the end of it.
Nefertiti: And the Doctor, does he have a queen?
Amy: I thought you had a husband.
Nefertiti: A male equivalent of a sleeping potion.
Riddell: You clearly need a man of action and excitement. One with a very large weapon.
Amy: So human sleeping potion or walking innuendo. Take your pick.

Rory: So what? We’re just giving up?
The Doctor: I don’t know. I don’t know.
Solomon: You were telling the truth, Doctor. Earth has launched missiles. This vessel is too clumsy to outrun them but I have my own ship.
The Doctor: You won’t get your precious cargo on board though. It’ll just be you and your metal tantrum machines.

Solomon: You’re right, Doctor. I can’t keep the dinosaurs and live myself. But I had the IV system scan the entire ship. And it found something more valuable. Utterly unique. I don’t know where you found it or how you got it here, but I want it.
The Doctor: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Solomon: Earth Queen Nefertiti of Egypt. The face stamped across history. Give her to me, and I’ll let the rest of you live.
The Doctor: No.
Solomon: You think I won’t punish those who get in my way, whatever they’re worth? {he shoots the triceratops}

The Doctor: You must be very proud.
Solomon: Bring her to me or the robots will make their way through your corpses. Bring her now!
The Doctor: No.

The Doctor: What are you doing?
Nefertiti: I demanded to be brought here.
The Doctor: No. No no no no. No way.
Nefertiti: It isn’t your choice, Doctor. It’s mine.
The Doctor: Listen to me, if you go with him I can’t guarantee your safety.
Nefertiti: You saved my people, I am in your debt.
The Doctor: No. No debts. You don’t owe me anything.
Nefertiti: Then I do it of my own will.
The Doctor trying to stop her: Nefi! Nefi! Nefi!
Riddell: No! Take her, I shoot you.
Nefertiti: Put your weapon down. Let me make my choice.
Solomon: Do it, boy.

Solomon: My bounty increases. And what an extraordinary bounty you are.
Nefertiti: Never touch me.
Solomon: I like my possessions to have spirit. It means I can have fun breaking them. And I will break you in with immense pleasure. Thank you, Doctor.

The Doctor: Okay. Control deck.
Rory: So, what’s the plan?
The Doctor: Come on. The missiles are locked onto us, we can’t outrun them. We have to save the dinosaurs and get Nefertiti back from Solomon. Isn’t it obvious?
Rory: Ah, it’s sort of the opposite of obvious.
The Doctor: Seventeen minutes before the missiles hit. We need to turn this ship around.
Rory: But you said it was too late, there wasn’t any time.
The Doctor: Ah, yes. But I didn’t have this plan then, did I? Riddell! Keep an eye out for dinosaurs.
Rory: I was rather hoping you’d say that.
The Doctor: And no killing any. Rory, Brian, get rid of the cobwebs.

Riddell: Those teeth. That’s really not fair.

The Doctor: No, don’t be like that. Really unhelpful.
Amy: What’s the matter?
The Doctor: Parallel pilot compartments. Bio-configured. Needs two operators of the same gene chain. That’s why Solomon couldn’t change the ship’s course and neither can we. {Brian raises his hand} What?
Brian: We can. Me and Rory, we must be the same gene thingy you just said.
The Doctor: Brian Pond, you are delicious.
Brian: I’m not a Pond.
The Doctor: Of course you are.

The Doctor: The ship does all the engineering. The control’s are straightforward. Even a monkey could use them. Oh look, they’re going to. {no reaction} Guys, come on. Comedy gold. Where’s a Silurian audience when you need one?

The Doctor: Steer away from the Earth. Try not to bump into the moon otherwise the races that live there will be livid.
Brian: What?

The Doctor: Right. Phase Two is sorted. Now for Phase One.
Amy: No no no, Phase Two comes after Phase One.
The Doctor: Humans, you’re so linear. Shine a torch in here.
Amy: What are you doing?
The Doctor: Mixing my messages.

The Doctor: How’s the job?
Amy: We’re about to be hit by missiles and you’re asking me that?
The Doctor: I work best when I’m multi-tasking. Keep talking. How’s the job?
Amy: I gave it up.
The Doctor: You gave the last one up.
Amy: Yeah well I can’t settle. Every minute I’m listening out for that stupid TARDIS sound.
The Doctor: Right, so it’s my fault now is it?
Amy: I can’t not wait for you, even now. And they’re getting longer you know. The gaps between your visits.
The Doctor: Are they?
Amy: I think you’re weaning us off you.
The Doctor: I’m not, I promise. Really promise. The others, they’re not you. But you and Rory, you have lives—each other. It was what we agreed.
Amy: I know. I just worry there’ll come a time when you never turn up. That something will have happened to you and I’ll still be waiting, never knowing.
The Doctor: No. Come on, Pond. You’ll be there ’til the end of me.
Amy: Or vice versa.

Riddell: Doctor, this is a two man job. {Amy grabs a gun} What are you doing?
Amy: I’m easily worth two men. You can help too, if you like.

Riddell: You know what I want more than anything?
Amy: Lessons in gender politics?
Riddell: A dinosaur tooth to take home. Dinosaurs ahead. A lady at my side. About to be blown up. I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier.
Amy: Shut up and shoot.

Brian: I’m flying a spaceship. Rory?
Rory: Hm?
Brian: We’re flying a spaceship!
Rory: I know.

The Doctor: Don’t mess with Egyptian queens, Solomon. I hope you’ve learned that now.

Solomon: What are you doing?
The Doctor: Disabling this ship’s signal and replacing it with the one from the Silurian ship. I send this craft off emitting the signal they’re looking for, the missiles will follow. Hopefully Silurian ship safe, dinosaurs safe, everybody safe. Bit tight for time though. Shouldn’t really be chatting. Nefi, let’s go.

Solomon: Whatever you want I can get it for you. Whatever object you desire.
The Doctor: Did the Silurians beg you to stop? Look Solomon. The missiles. See them shine, see how valuable they are? And they’re all yours.
Solomon: You wouldn’t leave me, Doctor.
The Doctor: Enjoy your bounty.

The Doctor: So. Dinosaur drop-off time.
Rory: Actually we think home for us.
The Doctor: Oh. Fine. Of course!
Amy: Not forever, just a couple months.
The Doctor: Right, yes. I’m pretty busy anyway. I mean I’ve got to drop everyone back.
About that. Can I ask a favor? There’s something I want to see.