Educating Creature

One Year Ago

Kemp (Donald Sumpter): I’m not here about a job. I’m here about those wonderful papers you wrote last year.
Lucy (Lyndsey Marshal): Oh, great.
Kemp: Your theory of a gene that could be the cause of all evil, was a revelation.
Lucy: Those papers were merely speculative. An intellectual exercise that some people—
Kemp: Really? So you don’t mean a word of it.

Kemp: Last week you received a sample of blood, yes?
Lucy: Yeah. We get a lot of those here.
Kemp: This one you’d remember. You ran it through your machines and the readings made no sense. You would have checked it several times and then perhaps blamed your machine.
Lucy: What was it?
Kemp: Evil.

Annie: Are you okay? Do you understand what’s just happened to you?
Junkie Ghost: They told me to wait for you. {the Door appears}
Annie: No! No, please!

Sykes (Bryan Dick): No, this isn’t the other side. Yes, I did save you from the Door. And yes, I’m dead too. Sykes. Pleased to meet you.
Annie: You closed the Door.
Sykes: A thank you would be nice.
Annie: Thank you.
How did you do that?
Sykes: Extremely well.

Annie: Please. Please. You have to help me.
Sykes: I don’t have to do anything of the sort. Look, there’s no automatic bond between us. You’re not my responsibility. We’re just ghosts, luv. Flotsam and jetsam.

George: This whole time, I haven’t really wanted to think about what happens to me during my hairy times. But as of now, I’m facing it. So. What happens to me?
Mitchell: You turn into a werewolf.
George: Uh uh. Uh huh. Yeah. And what’s a werewolf?
Mitchell: A big scary animal.
George: Exactamundo, Mitchell.The key word is animal. And what do you do with a big scary animal? You put it in a cage. Thus, I am going to buy a cage. See, and this is on my list. “Buy a cage”.
Mitchell: Yeah, a very strong cage.
George: Well that’s granted.

George: I mean, I speak a ridiculous amount of languages. I have an IQ of a hundred and fifty-six, for gods sake. Surely I can get a job that doesn’t insult my intelligence. Um, no offense.
Mitchell: Yeah, well, those thickies at the hospital are really gonna miss you, man.

Annie: I’ll haunt you!
Sykes: You can’t haunt another ghost.
Annie: Well I’ll give it a damn good go.

Sykes: There’s nothing I can do for you. Fighting the men behind the Door is grown-up stuff. You’re outmanned and outgunned.
Annie: Grown up stuff? You’re about nine!
Sykes: I died when I was twenty-three. In ghost years I’m eighty-nine.
Annie: Oh great. So you’re senile.

Sykes: You’ve resisted Death’s Door three times.
Annie: How could you know that?
Sykes: Oh please, it’s written all over your aura. Which I could teach you to read.
Annie: You can read auras?
Sykes: Maybe.

Mitchell: What part of “no blood” did you not understand?
Campbell (Alex Warren): No no no. This is different. She wants to be fed on.
Mitchell: Excuse me?
Campbell: We found her online. On an emo message board. There are dozens of ’em. They talk about vampires and there’s all this bonkers self-harm stuff. It gets really dark. Anyway, they love the idea of being drunk from. It’s a kind of groupie thing. Isn’t that better?
Mitchell: No, Campbell! It’s not better. Get her out of her, will ya?
Campbell: Sorry. {Emo Girl whispers to Campbell} She says can she have her bus fare home then?
Mitchell: For fuck’s sake.

Ivan (Paul Rhys): Well. That was a very creative reinterpretation of the rules.
Mitchell: There aren’t rules. There’s one rule.
Ivan: That’s addicts for you, always looking for little loopholes.

Sykes: Okay, okay. Cards on the table. Do you want to know why I don’t want to teach you? Because there’s only one passing grade. Anything less than an A plus and they’ve got you. You’re gone. And I really don’t want that on my conscience.
Annie: Sykes, if you don’t teach me then… I’m gone anyway.
Sykes: 0900 tomorrow. That’s if it’s okay with your two dads.

Ivan: Please don’t say you got that idea from me.
Mitchell: You should be pleased.
Ivan: Pleased? Don’t be fucking ridiculous. It’s like when they dress up those bears and make them dance for the tourists in Istanbul. Have you ever seen that?
Mitchell: No, I can’t say I have.
Ivan: This great big mountain of power and fury, done up in a fez and a waistcoat, and all the time just waiting for it to wake up, realize what it is and tear someone’s throat out.
Mitchell: Did you ever actually see it happen?
Ivan: Yeah, yeah, I did. Horrific. I mean I’ve got photos if you want.

Sykes: What do you make of this likely looking fella here?
Annie: OCD. Desperate. Having a mid-life crisis.
Sykes: I meant from his aura.

Annie: This is like those magic eye things. I can never do those either.
Sykes: Just give it time.

Annie: Something grey. It’s like it’s in his head.
Sykes: It’s a tumor.
Annie: Yes! No, no! Gosh, no. No, that’s terrible. We have to let him know somehow.
Sykes: I think he already knows.

Annie: So theoretically, I could read your aura.
Sykes: Well, yes, I suppose.
Annie: Oh go on, let me. I need the practice. You’re not wearing ladies underwear or something are you?

Lucy: Just wait a second. Are we sure about this? Have we changed anything about the procedure since it killed the last one? Anything at all?
Technician (Mark Fleischmann): No. But look, she has a completely different physiology.
Nina in the Chamber: Hello? I have a nosebleed! Should this be happening?
Lucy: Hello Nina. Um, just, just relax. It’s all part of the process.
Kemp: This is how we learn. This is how we help them. We can recalculate for the next one.
Lucy: The next one?
Kemp: George Sands.

Lucy: Lower the pressure.
Technician: Any sudden drop in pressure now will probably kill her.
Lucy: Chances are she will explode like the last four. I said lower the pressure!
Technician: Okay.

George: I’ve done it. I’ve put the wolf to sleep. I’m free. I don’t know what to do first.
Mitchell: Maybe take a shower.

Sam (Lucy Gaskell): I’ve seen your CV. You’ll be gone in six months. You must be dying of boredom.
George: No no. When you’ve lived the kind of dangerous, hair-raising life that I have, the idea of boredom just seems… really exciting.
Sam: You’ve lived a dangerous life?
George: The whole porter job? That was just a cover-up. I’m actually—
Sam: A spy.
George: Well I was going to go for superhero, but…
Sam: And what were your powers?
George: Extreme hairiness.

George: Oo! It’s tingly.
Annie: Sorry.
George: No, that’s fine. I like it.

Sykes: Are you okay?
Annie: Um. Yeah. Yeah, but I don’t feel very well. Can we stop now?
Sykes: Of course. Thanks for all your help, George.
George: No no, that’s, um, that’s fine. I’ll, ah, I’ll just throw all of this in the bin then, shall I?!
Annie: Wow! Clearly someone’s been watching a bit too much Gordon Ramsey!

Ivan: That was a good meeting. Another seven on board.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Ivan: Oh by the way, we’re gonna need more tea and biscuits.
Mitchell: Yeah, having you as a poster boy hasn’t hurt, has it?
Ivan: I swear, I’m going to be giving out autographs soon. It’s like being in a fucking boy band.
Mitchell: The thought of you in a boy band is disturbing on so many levels.
Ivan: Well, the thing about boy bands is it’s all about image, isn’t it? I mean behind closed doors they can be dressing up as Girl Guides, snorting coke, fucking swans. All that matters is what happens on that stage, right?
Mitchell: Where are you going with this?
Ivan: I can’t do it. I thought I could. I wanted to, I swear. But, um, I’ve never gone this long without blood.
Mitchell: Oh come on, its only been a few days.
Ivan: Yeah, after a hundred and ninety-five fucking years!

Mitchell: Do you know how many people are in that room because of you? If you quit—
Ivan: I am not gonna quit!
Mitchell: So what are you saying?
Ivan: I may be many things, Mitchell, but I am a man of my word. I will stand in that room and talk about how brave and strong we all are, how this is a fight that we can win. I will do that for as long as you need me to, but I cannot do it dry.
Mitchell: Do you have any idea what you’re asking me to do?
Ivan: I could say the same to you.

George: Did I mention I’ve been getting a little bit angry lately?
Annie: Yeah. We’ve noticed.
George: I got cocky, didn’t I? I thought I could put the wolf to sleep, like it would be that easy.
Mitchell: Oh come one, we don’t know that this has anything to do with that—
George: Yes we do. It’s like I can feel him pacing in his cage up here, and he feels cheated. He feels aggrieved because I didn’t let him out, I didn’t let him rage. And he wants to rage so very bad.

Mitchell: Just answer me this, did you ever actually think you could go dry or was it just another one of your games?
Ivan: I thought I could do it. I thought I was powerful enough. I was wrong. Okay? You know, Mitchell, eventually it just makes children of us all.

Ivan: How many do you have now? How many vampires are not drinking right now because of us? We are saving lives, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Yeah. I’m a fucking hero. Enjoy your meal.

Sykes: Right. Turn on all the radios, the TV, anything electrical.
Annie: How long do you think it’ll take?
Sykes: Not long. It’s a honey pot now. {the radio flips over} Showtime. Good luck.

Annie’s Body: Poor little me. I fell down the stairs and now I’m dead.
Annie: Yeah. I am.
Annie’s Body: Poor little me. My fiancé did it. He didn’t love me at all.
Annie: No, I really don’t think that he did.

Annie: You’re one of them, aren’t you? Hm? You might put on my face but you’re one of the men. It’s just tricks. You put on a mask to frighten me, you convince people to hurt me. You’ve got to keep me scared because you can’t actually do anything.
Annie’s Body: We can drag you to hell anytime we want.
Annie: I thought you were an army of devils but you’re not. You’re a magician who’s come to the end of his act. And this… this was your big finish. It’s pretty poor. You’ve lost your audience.
Annie’s Body: Where are you going?
{Annie walks over to the Door and slams it shut}
Sykes: I think that’s a pass.

Kemp: As much as I respect your spirit of forgiveness, Professor, I do worry that you’ve lost sight of the difference between a werewolf and a vampire.
Lucy: Really? That isn’t remotely patronizing.
Kemp: With werewolves we are trying to free an innocent soul. With the vampires, the battle’s lost. There is no soul to save.
Lucy: He is capable of change. And I will prove it.

Annie: D’you know what I don’t get? People still can’t see me. I thought at least I’d be visible again.
Sykes: Annie, you were never meant to be visible in the first place. There’s a natural order. There’s life, there’s the Door. And then somewhere in between them, there’s the ghosts. But you, you were something different. A crease in the cloth.

Annie: What happened to you, Sykes?
Sykes: In battle, you don’t have the time to think everything through. You make the right choice, your men live. I made the wrong choice. I’ve had seventy years to think about. And that’s why I didn’t want to help you. I didn’t want to have responsibility again. I didn’t want more blood on my hands.
Annie: Is that why you’re still here?
Sykes: I go through that Door, and I know who’s waiting for me. Maybe they’ll welcome me now, but maybe not. I’m a coward, Annie.
Annie: That’s one thing you will never be.

Annie: Why would I ever choose to go through?
Sykes: The world will change around you. You’ll see people fall in love, have children, grow old and die. All the things you can’t do anymore. It’ll be like watching the world through a glass wall, and eventually it becomes unbearable.
Annie: Well that’s a cheery thought.
Sykes: Ah, but then, but then you’ll find something else.
Annie: What?
Sykes: The next adventure.
Annie: What’s that supposed to mean?
Sykes: That’s strictly need-to-know. {he salutes}.
Annie: Dismissed.