Mr. Straight Guy Pageant : “The Mangeant” Susan Lucci: I would not like to be in your shoes, Fab Five. Carson: I'd like to be in your shoes. They're amazing! Thom about George: He was not a color found in nature. Carson: It wouldn't be a pageant if there wasn't blood. I'm pretty sure we…

Max C. Ted: You dip the dog in Kool Aid? Joni: No. You put it in water and then wash him. Ted: Ah. I thought he tasted good. Carson: This suit actually exploded on stage? It was probably God's will. Max about the sofa: This is great too. Thom: Isn't it? And it's comfy. Max:…

Boston Red Sox Kyan on a strand of Johnny Damon’s hair: I could sell this on eBay for like a thousand dollars, probably. Player: And when I hold the ball I have to hold it with my fingernails. Carson: In my line of work they get mad when you hold the ball with your fingernails.…

Brandon & David B. Brandon on Thom and Kyan: These guys can wrestle! Ted: You're almost out of milk and soda. But you've got a full bottle of flax oil! Carson: It's like a chainletter, this shirt. Thom leaving quietly: I can't do anything for these people. Carson tosses a football and completely demolishes a…

Barra Jason doing a Mother Bates impression in a rocking chair: I want her dead, Norman. I want her dead. Dane: You want three sandpits. And you want to watch Toy Story and eat burgers? Okay, we can work with that. Peyton: At the end of this series, I'm going to vow that every family…

Season One Ayana: The vagina is leaving the building. Thom: No, we still have Jai. Andrew to Carson: Don't put your finger in my mouth though. I know where that finger's been. Steve: These shoes aren't going to make me gay? Carson: bending over Steve to put on a shoe No, but this will. Kevin:…

Season One Butch Thom Filicia: I mean it looks actually like you're nuts. And if you weren't here to represent yourself, I'd think that, pretty much, we'd found him and I'd call the police. Thom: It looks like... if you were to sit on this, not only would you get crabs you'd get scoleosis. Thom:…

Season One Butch Ted: Alright guys, have a good time at band camp. Ted: He was working that room like a Kennedy! Ted: Cheers, Queers! Tom K. Ted: I'm sensing kind of an alcohol situation here. And botulism. John B. Ted: Corned beef from Uruguay. Wow... who knew. Ted breaks a Captain Morgan rum bottle.…

Season One Butch Kyan Douglas: You know what I like about disposable razors? They're disposable. throws them all away John B. Carson: You're kind of like... not George Strait. George Gay. Kyan Douglas nodding thoughtfully: I like that... George Gay. John pulls out a blow dryer. Kyan shocked: This is... this is news to me.…

Season One Butch Jai Rodriguez: This is like a— Oh my god I think... I think I broke the wall... and I don't think it matters. Jai: Oh wait, there's some announcement. Carson: Or some Greek dancing. Andrew L. Jai: You guys I found a book about gay people! The Rainbow Goblins! John V. Ted…

Season One Butch Carson Kressley: Look at you! Are you just the handyman or the victim? Carson: You know, I was always the last kid picked in dodgeball. They were like, "Um, okay we'll take Sharon. Now we'll take the girl in the iron lung and... you guys get Carson." Butch: Would you like some…

Brian S. (Butch) Carson Kressley: Look at you! Are you just the handyman or the victim? Jai Rodriguez: This is like a— Oh my god I think... I think I broke the wall... and I don't think it matters. Thom Filicia: I mean it looks actually like you're nuts. And if you weren't here to…